Thoughts & Anxiety

I think I am. I think I am strong, independent. I think I am smart. I think I am worthwhile. I think so hard sometimes trying to convince myself of these traits. I am independent, until I get too anxious, too afraid to do anything on my own. I am smart, but in what capacity? I am not a doctor, I have no high paying job to show for it, my IQ is high but not overly impressive. I am worthwhile, but some people don’t think so at all. In fact, there’s millions of people who I have no idea who I am.

I think I am, but these thoughts are thoughts. Only that.
It’s amazing that the human brain can think, think, think, but only for themselves. I should say, within themselves. It is rare to find individuals that truly think for themselves. We think all day long. We think about what people think of us, what we should do next, when the next chance will be to sit down on a couch and relax. Or the next opportunity to party. We think, think, think.

I went through a fantastic program, Joyable, that helped me face down my thoughts. Anxiety is just a brain filled with negative, fearful thoughts. The program helped me to combat these negative thoughts with more positive, useful thoughts. More than anything it made me question my thoughts to find that when it comes to the anxious ones, they are mostly always wrong. “I think this person hates me,” or “All these people will think I’m ridiculous for speaking” or “Going to a new place alone will be the death of me”. I constantly thought of my failures, faults, insecurities. What I didn’t realize is that these thoughts were, and still do some days, holding me back from a life of exploration and self love.

Maybe that person doesn’t like me, for whatever reason, but that’s not my problem. I don’t like everyone either, though I try. Maybe this community of people doesn’t connect with me, but not because I am a loser, but because we have different interests. Maybe it’s scary to walk into a new setting, but if I don’t I’ll be stuck in the old places. The places I need to get out of to grow. Maybe if I give myself a break, practice the forgiveness I give freely to others, maybe, just maybe I will be able to breathe again.

I think so much. The most powerful moments of my days are the ones that I realize I am fully present, outside of my thoughts. When I’m sitting with some of my favorite kiddos at work, noticing their personalities shine through when I take the time out of my day to get to know them more. When I get out of my head long enough to practice yoga and feel that my body needs a break from my mind. When sit down to write my thoughts which become visible and not quite as scary or concrete as before.

I can think all I want. I can think myself into a dark, useless corner. Or I can think myself to take positive actions, to get outside my head, to touch base with the thoughts of others. To keep the positive thoughts close, and tell the negative they do not serve me. I think that’s the best I’ve got right now.