Penn and Ava

To my Mom, the first and most important artist to encourage my creativity. To my Dad, for being the complete opposite of Ava’s dad. And to my Husband, thank you for always holding me when I need it, and mostly, for never letting me hold myself back.

FALL

Life
topples
to
pieces
as I
discover
you.

Chapter One

Ava tucked a long strand of dark blonde hair behind her ear, laughing loudly at every punchline her not-so-funny friend delivered, secretly glancing at the group of guys in the corner every few seconds. Ava hoped, at least once, Luke would make eye contact with her and lift his brow to initiate their usual flirtation. He was oblivious to her tonight, however, too busy slapping Kyle on the shoulder as they talked soccer plays and football scores.
This party was a typical upperclassmen party, most attendees were long past the days of freshman year when drinking until you drop was the norm. She could spot the younger girls right away, liquid tipping over the rim of their red solo cups. One of them giggled obnoxiously at some ridiculous, likely sleazy joke a not-even-that attractive senior was trying out to get laid.
Honestly, Ava wasn’t even that interested in Luke anymore, but he did seem like the perfect way to pass some time. Ava was bored of high school, bored of most of her friends, and bored of the endless small town drama she felt tangled up in.
She had broken up with Luke a month or two ago, and it had gone seamlessly. There were no hurt feelings or blame, they both just decided to go their separate ways. It went so well, in fact, she realized she probably didn’t give two shits about Luke in the first place. What she missed most was his endless attention and the physical contact which had actually made her feel something. At times only someone else’s lips on her own, paired with skin-on-skin contact could draw her out of her own mind. She enjoyed when a guy went a little too far so she could exert her power by yelling at him to stop. Feeling something was better than the consistent numbness of nothing, right?
“Uh, hello, Ava? We just asked you the same question three times. Are you trying to get back with Luke?” Linds annoyingly interjected into her thoughts.
Ava snapped her head back to her friends and did her best to sound incredulous.
“Are you kidding? Like I would ever go down that road again. I’m going to go outside for a minute to make a call.”
She set her beer down on the kitchen counter and slipped in and out of acquaintances to escape from the noise and into the quiet. She opened the sliding glass door that led to an empty back patio. This wasn’t her first throw down at this house, in fact, she had committed to memory all the nooks and crannies in this town where she could steal a moment alone. She often needed them at parties like these lately.
Ava shivered, cursing at herself for not bringing the jacket she’d glanced at on the couch on her way out the front door. The need to show the world an extra inch of her stomach overpowered her basic human need for warmth, yet again. She found herself questioning a lot of the dumb things she did now when she had never thought twice about in previous years.
These days Ava was working out extra hard outside of Volleyball practice to keep herself occupied. Since Luke and she had broken up, she wasn’t quite sure where to focus her energy. Recently, everything seemed convoluted. The things she once loved most now contributed to the numbness. So she resorted to working out harder in order to feel present. The pain of her muscles burning distracted her from the thoughts that overcrowded her mind.
Looking up to the clear autumn night sky at the abundance of stars she finally had a spark she so often yearned for these days, the lovely feeling of existing within something much larger than herself. The world existed long before her, the stars before that, and her place in the world had only begun to take shape. Ava didn’t feel so utterly replaceable under the glow of the evening light, instead, she felt illuminated, alive. It was as though each star was listening to her every inhale and exhale.
Shifting her weight back into her hands, she leaned back and let the crisp fall night wash over her, chilling her to the bone. Closing her eyes, she inhaled the earthy scent of fallen leaves, dewy grass, the unforgettable smell of fall’s arrival.
After a few minutes passed she heard the door slide open behind her, the stale party air warm against her back. The musk of sweaty bodies and cheap beer stung her nostrils, causing her to wrinkle her face in disgust. She truly didn’t understand why she put herself through this every weekend anymore.
“Ava, what the hell are you doing? It’s freezing. Get in here, the football team just arrived and Liam is looking for you!”
Linds was always trying to hook her up with the dumbest guys on planet earth. Hot? Of course, he was. But clearly, he had gotten by on his good looks alone for far too long. Maybe, Luke would get jealous of her talking to Liam and a fight would break out so she could provide everyone with entertainment for the evening. That’s the most she could hope for at these things anymore.
Ava heaved a sigh and followed Linds back into the house. They were at the older brother’s house of a senior named Tim. Tim’s parents paid for the house which Tim’s brother lived in alone, but both brothers took full advantage of it. The bad and good thing about college towns, Ava thought, is that high schoolers, hell middle schoolers, started everything early. Everyone moved on quicker around here; drugs, sex, you name it, Ava’d probably done it. While she loved it when she was younger, she now wished she’d held onto her innocence a bit longer.
She spotted Liam across the living room right away, over 6'4’‘ he was hard to miss. Luke noticed the two of them make eye contact, but he quickly turned to the attractive sophomore he was chatting up in the corner. He was very over Ava, clearly. Ava half waved at Liam, debating if she should pursue him or not, but she wasn’t entirely sure if it mattered to her either way. She could easily end up in the bedroom upstairs, have a fling for a couple months, and break it off before spring began. It would be something to do. But she knew it wouldn’t be enough. Instead, Ava finished up her beer, crushed her can in frustration before throwing it away, and said goodbye to her friends, whose judgemental looks nearly burned a hole in her regrettably short sweater on the way out the door. It was the same old shit, different hot dumb dude. Something needed to change.
Ava turned on the ignition and blasted a horribly trendy pop song that served its purpose; sobered her up enough to drive. She drove five miles under the speed limit on the short drive back to her house, though the cops wouldn’t have done much if she did get caught, they knew her Dad would get her out of it anyways. She turned off her headlights and pulled into her driveway, leaving the car idling with her elbows planted on the steering wheel, forehead in her hands, talking to herself as she often did these days.
“Why in the hell is everything SO dull lately? My parents are together, my friends haven’t changed, and my grades are good enough. What more do you want?!”
After convincing herself it was ridiculous to cry, crying wasn’t allowed in the Pierson house, she stepped out of the car and quietly entered her house. Her younger brother Mac was up playing video games in the living room. They nodded at one another as she climbed up the steps to her bedroom. She threw herself face down onto her comforter, pulling hangers and clothes out from under her and onto the floor. She rolled over and stared at the ceiling, hoping it was all just a bad case of PMS.
Quite possibly it had something to do with her sister pulling a disappearing act recently. It could be that her parent’s marriage had always seemed like theatrics, a show with such bad acting no one bothered to tune in anymore. Then there was the anxiety of her life about to change completely in less than two years with college hanging over her like a looming black storm cloud. Possibly, she needed to get her mental health assessed since clearly, her anxiety medications weren’t cutting it anymore. She laid there long enough to fall asleep atop her blankets, dreaming of something that would wake her up, in every sense of the word.

Chapter Two

The following Monday Ava arrived at school late, once again. She never was very good at being on time and had served her fair amount of time in lunch detention for it. Annoyed at the look her teacher gave her as she plopped into her seat, she purposely slammed her textbook down while staring back at Mrs. Stevens, daring her to call her out. Thankfully, she moved onto explaining the lesson plan for the day.
The next few hours passed slowly as Ava struggled to keep her eyes open through her morning classes. In fourth period, during English class, she had to group up for a discussion about whatever novel they were supposed to be reading at the moment. While Ava loved to read she had given up on this class when Crime and Punishment was assigned. It looked like Death of a Salesmen was the latest assignment, not much of an upgrade. Trish and Wendy, friends from Volleyball, pulled their desks towards hers and began gossiping rapidly about what Ava had missed after she left the party Friday night. There’s no way they read the chapters they were supposed too, Ava quickly realized, so she leaned back in her chair to listen to the group next to her as they began to discuss. According to her group, Luke hooked up with the sophomore, and Liam had been asking for Ava all night. It took everything in her to not ask them why they thought she gave a shit.
When Mr. Jeffries began calling on groups to answer questions, Trish and Wendy looked flabberghasted when it came to be their turn. Ava took one for the team and bullshitted through the answer in what she thought was a pretty impressive way. Annoyed with the girls, Ava began to listen in more on the discussion since it had to be more interesting than the crap she was hearing from Trish. Mr. Jeffries threw out a critical thinking question that Ava was pretty sure no one would attempt to answer but someone’s hand shot up right away.
A guy she had seen around but never thought twice about confidently spoke up. At first, Ava wanted to roll her eyes, as she usually did to the know-it-alls in her class, but something about the way he spoke held her attention. He explained everything beautifully, and in great detail, enough for Ava to wish she had read the chapters herself. He was confident but not cocky, knowledgeable yet captivating. The bell rang and she jumped, startled, realizing she had been fixated on this guy even after he had stopped talking. She was staring as he scribbled notes in his notebook, which was already jammed with what looked like notes, pictures, and various newspaper clippings.
“Who is that?” Ava asked Trish and Wendy as the class stampeded into the hallway for lunch. Both girls shrugged and went back to talking about the guy Linds ended up hooking up with at the party. Ava saw him in the hallway, fumbling with his locker combination as hordes rushed by him to the lunchroom. She wasn’t sure what compelled her toward him since she wasn’t exactly the type to approach complete strangers. Especially complete strangers with zero social status. There she was though, standing next to him, staring at the multitude of clippings with quotes, art, lyrics, a whole inner world of a person taped to the inside of his locker. It was almost as if his character spilled out onto everything he came in contact with. Never had Ava been so curious about anyone. He turned around suddenly, probably sensing Ava next to him, and their foreheads collided.

“Oh- god. I- uh. Shit, I’m Ava.” She stuck out her hand awkwardly, creating space between them.
“Ava, yeah! Wow, that really hurt, uhm. You are in my English class. Did I leave something back there…?”
“No! I mean no. I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing standing at your locker. I think I… I really liked what you had to say today.” Ava could have punched herself for being so awkward.
“Really? I got pretty excited and felt like I sounded like a pompous asshole, but, if I don’t speak up no one does and poor Mr. Jeffries looks like he wants to kill himself.”
Ava laughed, mostly because Mr. Jeffries always looked depressed and fully disappointed by their entire generation.
“I hope this doesn’t sound too rude, but, who are you? I’ve been going to this school since Kindergarten and have no idea who you are.”
He smiled at her like she was a dumb but cute puppy. “Not rude at all, I started here at the end of last year, it’s so nice to meet you, officially. I’m Penn. I try to stay off the social radar, or maybe the social radar stays far away from me. Anyways, I recently got my braces taken off so I feel like my stock is about to quickly rise.”
Ava smiled, the first real smile she had in a couple of weeks. Penn was refreshing, to say the least.

“Well, Penn, I didn’t notice you because you got your braces off, but, I will say your teeth look excellent. I really did like how passionate you seemed about… uh…”
“Death of a Salesman?”
“Ahhh, yeah. Of course! How could I forget the name of this very… captivating… novel.”
“It’s a play, actually.”
“Shit.” Ava’s cheeks flared up in embarrassment.
“Sorry, I’m a literary snob. That was rude.”
“Oh, no. I uhm- I guess I haven’t really read any of the books, or plays, this semester.”
Penn looked a bit taken aback as if he’d never met anyone who didn’t give 100% to everything they put their mind too. It didn’t help Ava feel any better about herself.
“Well, what are your lunch plans?” Penn asked unexpectedly. “We can talk more and I’m happy to fill you in on what’s been going with the Lomans.”
“The who?”
“Okay, Ava, you’ve really got to start paying attention in class! Anyways, my friends are all in a different lunch hour so I usually end up sitting alone. I could use the company.”
Ava hesitated, she wasn’t sure what the girls would think of her if she decided to sit with someone else. She didn’t want to know the horrible things they’d say behind her back. Hell, they said enough horrible things to her face.
“Well, I’d have to blow off my friends and I don’t know how well that will go over.”
“Am I not allowed to sit with your friends?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to have to subject yourself to that.”
“Yeah… I’m not one to judge but they don’t seem like ones for deep conversation. Are you not okay being seen with me in a public lunch area? You can be honest. You’re a Pierson sister. That’s gold status around here.”
Ava winced a bit at that, she knew the Pierson name came with judgment from most people. She needed to prove the rumors weren’t true.
“You know what? Whatever. Let’s do it. Who knows, I could help you get a hot girlfriend if you help me with English.”
“See? The braces come off and I’m a stud.”
Ava paused, not sure how far she could go with jokes but decided to test him out.
“You’re still a nerd though.”
Penn laughed and came back with “I think I can make that work for me.”
Ava responded with a smile, she had a feeling it already was.

Chapter Three

Ava and Penn talked nonstop through the entirety of their lunch hour. They quipped back and forth about the ridiculousness of many of the novels they had read, or not read in Ava’s case, as well as the tastelessness of the cafeteria food. Ava watched Penn as he spoke, his bright blue eyes intensely focused on her while his hands energetically illustrated in the air to deliver each of his points. She noticed the muscles and large veins running the length of his forearms and couldn’t help but stare as his golden skin lit up when the sun streamed through the windows into the lunch room. She knew she should be listening better, but she too was distracted by his light brown hair which he ran his fingers through when he couldn’t explain his viewpoint clearly. She had never met anyone who knew so much about everything and could find meaning in anything. His complete engrossment in each topic they covered was, for lack of a better term, so not boring.
Coming back to the conversation, Penn skimmed over the fact that he was a runner, one his favorite times to think.
“Wait, did you say you run track?” Ava cut him off.

“Cross country. I have a meet the weekend after this if you’re interested in coming. In case you want to see the outline of my-”
“Stop! Oh my-”
“Butt. I have a good butt. There’s not much else to see.” Penn said deadpan, glancing down at his lap.
Ava burst out laughing, nearly spraying the floor with soda. She made the mistake of looking over to see her friends staring at her from their usual table. Their beautiful heads were cocked as they tried to figure out why one of their kind was mixing with another. Ava waved but they ignored her, acting like they didn’t see her at all. She figured she should feel worried about this, but truthfully she couldn’t bring herself to give much of a shit. If she had to hear one more story about who did who at so and so’s house she was going to lose her damn mind. Having a stimulating conversation with Penn had really opened up something within her.
She looked back at Penn, who was staring down at his food, noticing her friend’s judgemental looks. If she knew him better, she would have asked if his clenched jaw had anything to do with what he had just seen.
“Allow me to ask a weird question Penn, do you like your friends? Like really. Do you actually enjoy them as individuals?”
She watched as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, not sure of how to answer.
“I uh- I have had some issues making friends here. End of sophomore year is a weird time to transfer schools. At my old school my, eccentricities, we will call them, were par for the course since we all grew up together. But here it seems I’m just awkward. I’d rather talk to my teachers than anyone I’ve yet to meet here. Until now, it seems.” Penn paused and glanced at her.
“I’m definitely not as cool as those girls you hang out with.” Ava rolled her eyes and tried to interject, Penn kept talking.
“I know that you’re cool by nature of growing up here, plus your sister is who she is, and your parents seem to have a lot of things in town named after them. It appears at this school I’m just an oddball who recently formed a bit of muscle mass and got a tan over the summer. I’m a walking target for jock assholes to make fun of, and other guys already have their friends. I’m confident because I have to be. But I have a good group of friends I grew up with who I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’d go far enough to say that I love those guys.” Ava wanted to reach out and put a hand on his upper arm, but she knew they weren’t there yet. Even if she knew more about Penn in this past half hour than most of the people she’d hung out with her entire life.
“You don’t fit in here because you have substance. Don’t feel like you’re not cool because of that. It’s admirable. I would give a lot to have friends that I feel get me. I don’t know what has changed, I used to care, but it’s hard to care about the same shallow shit that they do.” Penn nodded, not sure what to say. He wasn’t convinced being not fitting in was a good thing.
“How do you know who my sister is anyway? She was barely around at the end of last year.”
“Everyone knows who your sister is. Even me, surprisingly. It’s like when she walked down the hall the whole school stopped dead in their tracks, hoping she’d acknowledge them. Which she actually did to most people. She was nice unlike the rest of your dreaded posse. That’s mostly what I remember about her. Besides you.” Ava tried to tell her rapidly beating heart to slow the hell down, but it didn’t listen.
“Besides me, huh? May I ask what that is supposed to mean?”
Ava leaned closer to Penn, elbows on the table, chin in her hand.
“I’m not sure I can tell you what that’s supposed to mean yet. But I do have a proposition for you.”
“And what would that be, mystery man?”
“I think we should make a pact to be friends. That whatever happens or may happen, we choose friendship over whatever else.”
Ava sat back in her chair, flustered by disappointment, holding back the urge to not ask what the actual fuck.
“Ava, please don’t be pissed! It’s just, I need a friend here. A solid friend I can count on because it has really sucked having no one here to talk too. I love my Mom, she’s amazing, but at 16 it’s not that cool to hang out with her every weekend.”
“At least your Mom wants to hang out, but, I won’t drag you into my family life.” Ava thought about it, pushing her feelings aside and noting that she always fell too fast and got bored too quickly. This could actually be a really good thing.
“Alright, deal. I can’t say I’ve had a guy friend since I was 8 years old but I’ll give this thing a go.”
Penn fist pumped into the air and held out his hand to shake on it. Ava tried not to laugh out loud at his goofiness and faked a cough to cover it up so he wouldn’t feel self-conscious. She shook his hand and had a thought, she knew what to do to make him feel like part of Westwood.
“Now that we’re friends Penn, I must officially initiate you to Westwood. What’s your next class? If it is skippable I have somewhere I need to take you.”
“Oh crap, I picked one of the bad kids to be friends with! My mom will not be happy with this.” Ava gave him a horrified look.
“Kidding, please, know that I am kidding.”
Ava shook her head and laughed.
“No pressure, but you really need to see this and I absolutely hate chemistry, which is my next class. If it’s not worth it I’ll buy you a nice dinner somewhere special, but if you love it, then I might make you take me to dinner as thanks. As friends, of course. Either way, I would appreciate if we got dinner.”
“I’m down! I have a study hall next period which is the ONLY reason I’m agreeing to this. Please don’t ever ask me to do this again.”
“I think I’m getting a little worried my new friend is a total goodie goody.”
“Well… you already shook on it so it’s too late to back out of this. You’re stuck with me for the foreseeable future.” Ava smiled at Penn as they got up to throw their trash away.
“Here’s the escape plan; when the bell rings we slip out the back doors in the midst of the crowd to get to the south parking lot. Follow my lead, don’t hesitate, and most important at all, stay ducked down as we pass Ms. Sommers classroom windows. She’s always looking for culprits. Got it?”
“Uh- I think s-.”
The bell rang loudly and with it the cafeteria crowd stampeded out the doors, Ava already running towards the exit way ahead of Penn.
“Shit-wait up!” Penn yelled.
Ava disappeared through the doors, Penn closely on her heels.

Chapter 4

It was a brilliant autumn day outside. The temperature reached into the high fifties with bright rays of sunshine reflecting off windows and onto the hoods of overtly expensive cars. The heat of the sun counteracted the chill of the wind; it was undoubtedly the perfect weather for an adventure. Penn and Ava ducked under classroom windows and in between cars until they reached Ava’s Land Rover.
“Who the hell bought you this Ava? Are you one of those rich spoiled brats? I don’t know if this friendship is going to work.”

“Oh my god. Penn. Chill. It was a hand me down from my Dad who spends too much money on cars. We have money but I’m no Melissa Bloomington.”
“You’re just friends with Melissa.”
“Well, kind of, I guess. Whatever, get in please.”
Once in the car, the awkwardness of sudden closeness and quiet hung heavy in the air. Ava glanced at Penn, noting what was likely mutual attraction, and quickly turned away to start the car and blast music. Operation friend zone commenced.
“The Broods. Not bad. Not bad.”
“Oh yeah? Would’ve taken you for a classic rock, Lynyrd Skynyrd type of guy.”
“Well, let’s never forget the classics. But I enjoy some indie pop too.”
“So layered you are Penn.”
“I know, it impresses the ladies.”
“Yep. That and your short running shorts makes you a real winner.”
Penn put his hand to his chest and opened his mouth in mock astonishment.
“Dramatic. So I’m not going to tell you where we’re going, you’ll just have to trust me.”
“Are we heading into downtown and grabbing ice cream at Poppy’s? I could go for some cookie batter.”
“What are we, 8 years old? No. I’ve got somewhere much better.”
“I didn’t think this through. You could easily murder me and hide my body, you probably know all the good places to put a dead body.”
“Yes.. but I haven’t fully thought through how to kill you yet. So we’ll save that for another day. Have you ever been to Loughborough Park?”
“Of course, I’m not a complete stranger to this town. Or is that where you’re planning to leave my body later?”
“Oh my god. No. I would never let you know where I’d take your body, I’m no amateur. I’m just making sure you haven’t seen this spot yet. How much of the park have you seen?”
“I don’t know… the main part with the trail? What else is there to see? I haven’t been up to the stoner spots if that’s what you think.”
“Dear God. I would never associate you with smoking anything. Give yourself a couple of years though and I could see you loving it in college. This place isn’t a stoner spot.. all of the time. I think you’ll love it.”
“Whatever you say, captain, take me away, we’ve only got 40 minutes left.” Of course, Penn was checking his Fitbit constantly.
Ava turned up the music and swung left out of Westwood High, and turned right onto a side street that cut through to the park. She sped quickly past her neighborhood, full of 6-8 bedroom homes, with lawns meticulously kept. She didn’t want to admit to him that’s where she lived and that her house was the biggest on the block. She noticed his eyes lingered on the homes with what seemed like resentment, or at least judgment. She also couldn’t help but feel uneasy behind the wheel with a guy she had only just met. As nice as he was, most guys didn’t try to be just her friend. She pressed harder on the gas as she reached the steep incline that led up to the Lookout.
Ava parked at the top of the hill where there was barely room for one car to fit. She got out and led Penn over to the edge of the drop off and smiled as he gasped as the entirety of Westwood splayed out in full autumnal colored glory beneath them. Ava tugged his arm to pull him down with her on the grass to admire the view.
“Wow, what a great place completely wasted by wastoids. This is… this is beautiful, Ava.”
She nodded as she took it in herself. Though she’d seen it many times before it was one of the few places that didn’t appear jaded. Her small town was stunning at this time of year, trees spattered with bright red, deep maroon, rusty orange, vibrant yellow, spots of brown and a few hints of green. The clear electric blue sky created the perfect backdrop to a magnificent day in the small northeastern town. For a second, she felt the sense of contentment she hadn’t felt in years. She felt she could share a piece of herself with Penn and it would be completely safe.

“I used to come here all the time with my sister. The minute she got her license this is the first place she drove us. I was the first person she wanted to drive in her car, and this was the place she wanted to share with me. In every type of weather, we’d come up here. We’d watch rain roll in from the east and fall on her windshield as we talked about everything. Everything we wanted to do in life, the places we would go, the things we would accomplish. When the snow first started to fall, we’d come up here to watch it lay a thin blanket over the town, muting everything as it fell. The town goes completely silent.”
“Jaclyn. That’s your sister’s name right? Jaclyn?”
“Yeah, I guess you probably saw us around together a lot.”
“That and I heard all the guys around me whispering to each other about how much they wanted to bang the two of you.”
“Gross. That’s disturbing. Did you join them?”
“I mean..” Penn shrugged slowly. “…haha no. I didn’t. I told them they didn’t have a chance in all hell.”
“Thanks for that, really. Guys can be gross.”
“Don’t I know it. How is Jaclyn doing? I heard she went all the way to UCLA for school.”
“Honestly, I haven’t heard from her much really. This past summer we had a sort of falling out.”
Penn waited to see if she would expand on that any further but she didn’t. She stared harder at the horizon hoping the topic would change. Instead, he pressed a bit further.
“Can I ask what happened?”
“Oh, yeah. Sure. She ah - She started dating this college guy in the middle of her senior year. He was a total asshole. She’d dated guys before, but she blew me off constantly to hang out with this guy. They broke up right before she left but she didn’t want to talk about it. When she took off for UCLA this past fall she barely said goodbye to me or anyone. We used to be attached at the hip our entire lives, but she couldn’t wait to get the hell out of here. I wasn’t worth goodbye, I guess.”
“That’s harsh Ava, I’m sorry that happened.”
“I should have picked a different best friend. Noone is best friends with their siblings. She’s my damn family on top of being a friend, I can’t just get a new sister.”
“I wish I could relate, I’m an only child. But my best friend - please DO NOT- laugh-” He used his highly gestural hand notions as he said 'do not’.
“was my Mom when I was a kid. She spoiled me rotten even though she didn’t have all that much money. Took me everywhere with her, made me feel like just another adult. When I met my best friend Darron in middle school I think I almost broke her heart. She lost her buddy there for a bit, but we’re still incredibly close. She’s the best Mom I could ask for.”
Ava wished she could say the same about her Mom, but she was definitely not someone she would consider a friend.
Ava looked over at Penn. She admired his pronounced jaw, tan skin, and crinkled eyes squinting in the sunlight. She noticed he was semi-attractive when she spotted him in class, but close up he was altogether beautiful. Penn noticed her looking at him and cracked a cheesy smile. Ava laughed and lightly hit his upper arm.
“Thanks for escorting me to lunch today, and for taking me outside of that hell hole. This was the most real conversation I’ve had in a long time.” Ava said, feeling like she said too much but also not enough.
“Hey, thanks to you too. I really thought I would never find someone to talk to at all. And by god, thank you for showing me this place. It’s awesome.”
Penn’s alarm went off, signaling it was time to get back.
“You set an alarm?” Ava laughed as Penn shrugged. “Welp- we must go back to that so-called hell hole now.”
“So we shall.”
Ava sped back to school, zipping back quickly the way they came. They both crept back under windows and waited for the bell to ring before straightening up and walking through the cafeteria doors with the crowd finishing up their lunch. Before parting for class Ava tapped Penn on the shoulder.
“You owe me a dinner of my choosing, at a date of my choosing as well, since you enjoyed it so much.”
“Yes ma'am,” He saluted. “wouldn’t want to let you down after that escapade!”
Ava laughed loudly at his awkwardness and set down a different hallway for class. As much as she tried she couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off her face for the rest of the day.

Chapter 5 (stopped last edit)

Ava finished up the rest of the school day in a dream-like stupor. She couldn’t stop thinking about her time spent at the Lookout with Penn. He was a good looking dude, that was for sure, but it was his profundity that kept her mind preoccupied all afternoon. The idea that she had someone to talk to about actual, important topics was exciting. She missed her sister, but even Jaclyn couldn’t understand her need to think deeply about life. Why did it feel like for the first time she felt…understood? And why did it feel so damn good?
At volleyball practice, she could barely serve the ball over the net to the extreme disappointment of her teammates, who were anticipating a huge rivalry game. All she could think about was Penn.
“Who the hell even attends these games anyway?” Ava said under her breath as the ball landed beside her and earned the other side a point.
“Parents, and creeps checking out asses in volleyball shorts. That’s who.” She used to really love the volleyball team before her sister left. They had an incredible season last year with Ava and Jaclyn as the star players. Shortly after the season ended is when Jaclyn started seeing the mega-douche. It was equally hard to concentrate this season when many of the new team members were sophomores, who frankly, weren’t very good yet. Jaclyn’s graduating class made up a good portion of the team and without it they were pretty much crap. Jaclyn ducked as the ball was nearly spiked into her face.
After practice, she rushed up the steps and into the bathroom as soon as she got into the house. Mac had his loud immature friends over and Ava’s parents wouldn’t be home for a couple hours to send them home. Just as well, as she needed to be alone for a while to decompress. She stripped off her sweaty practice clothes and washed off the day, letting the steaming hot water calm her muscles and her mind. While she was excited she met Penn, she wasn’t sure how to take the friendship agreement. Hopefully, these developing feelings would fade and Penn would become a good friend.
Ava wrapped herself in a towel and ran quickly down the upstairs hall to her bedroom, making sure her brother’s pervy friends didn’t see her. She collapsed onto her bed and wrapped herself in a big fuzzy blanket. Her cat, Panda curled up on her head. She wished she had a girl to talk through these things with. Linds, once considered her closest friend besides Jackie, would probably tell her to fuck the friendship and go for it, and she didn’t feel close enough to Wendy or Trish to give them a call.
It used to always be Jacklyn she’d go to for these things, in the room next to hers. She would slip through their adjoining door and cuddle up with her to watch a movie or make plans for the night. She would know what to do about Penn. Part of her was pissed she hadn’t given Penn her number, but mostly she knew it was better it stayed like this. On the edge of something, but not sure of what. The reason she was okay with staying friends was that they could always have open, honest moments that they did today. No one she had ever dated spoke openly with her like that.

Ava drifted off to sleep and was woken up by her mom knocking lightly on the door. She peeked her head in through a small crack. She rarely came up to check on Ava, so Ava was surprised to hear her knock.
“Dinner will be ready soon, your father just got home from work.”
“Thanks Mom, did you have a good day at work?”
“It was fine, stressful as usual, but fine. Please wear something decent to dinner tonight. I don’t think your father appreciated your sweatpants last night.”
“Got it. I’ll be down in a minute.”
Her mom opened the door a little wider and stood just inside the door, leaning her weight against the door frame.
“I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to your upcoming game. A big case came up today.”
Ava stared at her for a couple of seconds. She hadn’t made it to a game in years, probably since middle school sports when her mom had to occasionally drive her when she couldn’t make a fellow teammate’s parent drive. When she did go to games she usually spent the whole time on her cell phone. She was never fully present in Ava’s life, and her Dad even less so.
“No worries. I thought I’d give it a shot and invite you but I wasn’t banking on it.”
“Well, that’s good then. Make sure the cat doesn’t get out of your room when you come down. Your Dad really doesn’t like that thing.”
Ava nodded as her Mom shut the door. Her Mom at least tried to act like she was interested in their lives when they were younger, but now it was a half-assed act. Ava petted Panda, her black and white chubby short-haired kitty who loved to curl up next to her, before getting up to change into black jeans and a nice sweater. She checked her full-length mirror to make sure she passed her Dad’s test of what women are apparently supposed to present themselves as.
Ava arrived at the dinner table to an awkward silence, as usual. This was how it had been for years now. Her Mom and Dad had stopped getting into screaming matches and had plain given up on communicating at all. Ava took her usual spot, her back facing the kitchen island and looking directly at Mac, her brother. Mac’s cheeks were tinged with pink at what Ava could only suspect was an embarrassment at her Father being an asshole to his friends. He looked up at her to meet her gaze and then looked back down at his plate.

Her Dad always began passing the food first, filling his plate and eating before anyone else had a chance to begin to fill their own dish. They weren’t religious, but the sad, silent eating seemed like her parent’s own depressing ritual. Ava almost jumped out of her chair when her Mom asked her a question.
“Have you heard from Jackie since she left for college Ava?”
Ava cleared her throat, “Nope. Not yet.”
Her mom nodded curtly. Ava wasn’t even sure if her Mom knew anything about what had happened between them. Probably not.
“She calls me once a week. She’s doing okay,” said Mac while chewing a mouthful of baked chicken.
“Don’t talk with your mouth full of food. It’s disgusting and I raised you better than that,” Ava’s Dad snapped. He had decided to contribute his usual verbal lashing to the conversation. And that was it for the entire meal. The next ten minutes were filled with only the sound of metal clinking against ceramic. Ava’s Mom knew to keep quiet after Dad spoke up about anything, and Mac looked ready to punch the wall behind him.
“I’ll do the dishes, Mom. Don’t worry about cleaning up.” Ava suggested.
“You know the help does dishes Ava. I like things to be stacked a certain way when she gets here.”
Ava shrugged, happy to escape this horrible “family meal time” designated every weeknight. She wasn’t sure why her parents were even trying to act like they enjoyed being in each other’s presence anymore. She figured the pressure to look like the perfect American family remained incredibly important to them. Image was everything. To hell with genuine love and care for your spouse and children, Ava thought, as she walked up the stairs to her room. Those mushy feelings must be for poor people who can’t buy happiness.
Ava changed into a pair of old comfortable sweatpants, threw on a ratty t-shirt from middle school days and let her hair down from the knot she had put in for dinner. She sighed, thinking of Jackie, and looked at a picture of the two of them on her closet door.
Only two years apart the Pierson girls were tall, thin, athletic, and beautiful. They were a force to be reckoned with and no one could come between them. Or so Ava thought. Any guy they wanted, they got. And they got quite a few. As a freshman Jaclyn took Ava with her to all of the upperclassmen parties, introducing her to the people she “needed to know”. Ava was entranced by it all. The parties, the boys, the lifestyle. She didn’t think twice about choosing a different crowd to hang out with back then, or to be in anyway different from her already popular and beautiful sister. So she reveled in the role, the little hot sister of the already hot Jaclyn. Two years together they ruled Westwood High.
This past summer, however, after things shifted Jaclyn went to frat parties instead of their usual high school ones and left Ava in the dust. She was way over high school apparently, and Ava quickly came to the realization that the last two years had been little more than a drunken rush of adrenaline with her disloyal partner in crime.
Since July, Ava had noticed the shine of high school popularity wearing off. The people and their drama were all too familiar, and frankly, getting a bit sad. The smell of weed, cigarettes, and alcohol stopped feeling like a magical night full of endless possibility and more like the killer hangovers she felt after. With her sister gone there was no taller shadow to hide behind, and no hip to attach herself too. She found herself looking in the mirror at a person she barely knew; shallow, callous, undefined.
After cuddling into bed for an early night Ava’s phone lit up her dark bedroom. Her heart jumped in her chest, hoping somehow Penn had gotten her number. Instead, she got a frantic text from Linds.
“I heard you snuck out with that new hot guy Penn, who used to look like such a nerd BTW, after lunch. Is he even hotter with his clothes off?!”
Ava threw her phone to the ground beside her and rolled over to scream into her pillow. It had already started. They were all just waiting for something new to sink their gleaming white teeth into, and Ava was the perfect target.
If it had been another guy, not Penn, she most likely could’ve told Linds what the situation was beneath his clothing. But it wasn’t another guy, and chances are they would be keeping their clothes on when together. Ava couldn’t get to sleep at first, pissed at Linds for starting rumors. Her thoughts eventually came to rest on Penn’s side profile as he studied the streets of Westwood. With that, she fell asleep smiling.

Chapter 6

Ava couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the week in English class. Well, she could concentrate, just not on Mr. Jennings. She couldn’t help glancing over at Penn two rows over as he furiously scribbled notes and raised his hands to ask a multitude of questions. Each time he looked over to try to catch her eye she quickly looked away. He didn’t need to know she was studying him more than she was his notes. He was a much more interesting topic in her opinion.
As she took more notice of Penn, she also noticed a nearby neighbor of the female persuasion who continuously leaned over to ask him questions. Ava’s stomach twinged a bit with jealousy and she imagined herself ‘accidentally’ stabbing this girl in her big boob with a pencil on her way back from sharpening it. Ava was shocked at her fantasy, they hardly knew each other. They spent one afternoon together, that’s it! Since Monday they said hi in the hallway after class but not much else has happened. No plans had been made and Penn didn’t seem interested in hanging out again. She felt utterly delusional. Yet that didn’t stop her from noticing him and feeling the pissed off way she felt towards Linds and her so-called group of friends.
The sound of the shrill bell made her jump in her seat, Trish and Whitney laughed outrightly at her.
“Are you eating with us again today?” Trish asked. “I thought you and that Penn guy were hooking up?”
Ava glanced up to see Penn slowly packing up at his desk while talking to the big-boobed nosey neighbor. Now that Ava thought about it, Penn hadn’t been around at lunch. She’d looked for him but didn’t see him anywhere Tuesday or Wednesday, and now that it was Friday she was curious what he was up too. There’s no way he had lunch detention.
“We’re not hooking up, I told all of you we are just friends. Clearly, he’s talking to that sophomore girl, see? I’ll see you at volleyball later today.”
Whitney and Trish glanced at each other, exchanging looks of what-the-fuck-is-her-problem before whipping their long hair around and stalking out of the room. Ava was more than relieved to see them go.
Penn made his way over to her and sat down on the desktop next to her. She hated herself for feeling nervous and wished she would have put on an extra layer of deodorant this morning.
“So uh, when are we gonna ditch school again and talk about the purpose of our existence?”
“I don’t know, stranger. You’ve disappeared every lunch hour this week. I was starting to think you’re avoiding me.”
“Nah, well, maybe a bit. That blonde friend of yours, with the really tiny nose? She came up to my locker Tuesday morning. It was weird.”
Ava jerked her head towards him. “What the hell did Linds say?”
Penn scratched the back of his neck and look towards the door, as if considering an escape.
“Nothing. I don’t believe her, and, even if it’s true I don’t care.”
“Penn, you have to tell me. Please.”
“God I really don’t want to be put in this position. I like who you are and I don’t care what you might have done, it doesn’t matter.”
“What. the. hell. did. she. say. to. you?!” Ava had gotten up from her chair and was about to lurch at Penn if he didn’t tell her. Thankfully Mr. Jennings had left to take his lunch when the rest of the students did.
“Please calm down Ava. It’s nothing. Let’s go get lunch somewhere off campus quick. I’d rather not skip class again if we can help it but I’m happy to get out of here with you.”
“I don’t want to get out of here! I want to know what she said, now!”
Ava knew she looked scary as hell, but was too upset to care. Before Jaclyn left Linds wouldn’t have tried this. She worshipped Jaclyn and tried so hard to be just like her. Ava knew Linds was never a very nice person but didn’t think she would ever turn Ava into her latest prey. With one Pierson sister gone, it seemed maybe Linds wanted to take the other one out.
“Okay. Okay! Don’t kill the messenger here. I don’t remember her exact words, but basically, she asked if I knew who you were. I told her yes, Ava is a super great girl. She went on to say something to the effect of the Pierson sisters know their way around and I seemed a little innocent to be hooking up with someone like you. She proceeded to also say that I was cute and she’d be down to hang, to which I outrightly said no thanks! All in all, I would say she’s not so great of a friend.”
“Yeah, no shit Penn. I’ll kill a bitch.”
“Whoaaaa there. Let’s not do that. Would you please consider eating with me? We don’t have much time but even if we go eat in your fancy car it’s better than being in the lunch room with that horrible girl.”
“Fine, fine. But I don’t have lunch, I was going to buy today.”
“Not a worry, I’m happy to share! My Mom makes the BEST meals.”
Ava looked at him quizzically and laughed.
“I’m worried about your relationship with your Mother.”
Penn held his hands up, “I swear it’s not that weird. Swear.”
Penn and Ava walked to his locker to grab Penn’s lunch before running out to Ava’s car. Ava was seeing red at this point, so didn’t respond much as Penn tried to talk to her. They shivered as a chilly winter breeze whipped through the air. Ava immediately blasted the heat once inside the car. She had the urge to huddle close to Penn for warmth but reckoned that would’ve been a little too close for comfort for him.
“What’d you think about class today? I was so frustrated with Mr. Jennings intrepretation of-”
“Let me stop you right there Penn.” said Ava, agitated. She didn’t want to talk about class. “I have no idea what happened in class today, nor do I care.” My thoughts were elsewhere she wanted to add, and it’s your fault.
“Ugh, Ava, you should contribute more in class, I think you’d have so much to add to the discussion. I don’t get it, you’re not afraid to speak up around me.”
“Yeah. I guess. I just… I don’t know.”
“No, what is it Ava?”
His whole body shifted in the passenger seat to look at her. She tensed up in discomfort, feeling the intensity of his focus on her. When he looked at her she felt how much he wanted to understand her, truly see her. She wanted to hide under a blanket and come out when she felt she knew herself better.
“I just, I never had to care. I never wanted to care. There was never a reason to care.”
“What do you mean by that though? Care about school, yourself, homework, what?”
“You said you remember me last year, right Penn?” He nodded.
“Of course I remember you. You couldn’t very well miss two girls that look like you and your sister.”
“Did you hear things about me Penn?”
Penn moved further towards the passenger side window, turning his body to face forward, away from Ava.
“I didn’t believe any of it Ava. I saw you and sister around and just figured you were popular so rumors flew around you two, that’s all. Obviously, there were things said, but I never listened to them. It’s just stupid high school gossip, most of it isn’t true.”
“What if I told you they were true? The rumors. Does that scare you?”
Ava turned to stare out the driver’s side window, hoping the scenery would change. Hoping she wouldn’t be stuck at that damn school in this small town another day. Penn moved closer to her, leaned towards the center console and put his hand on her shoulder.
“Ava, I don’t care what you’ve done or with who or what drugs you’ve tried and how much your jeans cost. Though actually… how much did those jeans cost? They look expensive.”
Ava turned her head to find herself looking straight into his brilliantly blue eyes. She knew right then and there, she was totally screwed. She would be the one to try to break their friendship pact. She just hoped she could hold off a lot longer than this one week.
“Penn, can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why did we have to make that friendship pact again?”
Penn laughed and dropped his hand from his shoulder.
“Friends last longer, especially in high school. I think you are really spectacular, Ava. But there’s still so much to know about you. I don’t make out with girls for fun. I maybe should, just to figure out if I’m bad at it, but I don’t want to try on you. You deserve more than that. Yes, I think you’re attractive. But I also think there’s more than that. And we both deserve a chance to learn about each other before we label one another. Is that a good enough answer?”
Ava nodded, again impressed by Penn’s perfect answer to another one of her questions. That’s what she needed to hear. It’s what she wished she would’ve heard in middle school from someone close to her, especially before navigating high school. Most guys preyed on insecurity, and she’d welcomed the attention for the past three years. She knew she wasn’t innocent, but she wished someone like Penn would’ve been around sooner to remind her of her worth. But she couldn’t wish better parents into her life.
“Where’s your phone?” Penn asked, breaking Ava out of her thoughts. Ava handed it to him from out of her jean pocket. He typed in his number and texted himself for her. He handed it back, smiled, and hopped out of the car to go to class. He was texting as he ran back into the building. She got the message a couple seconds later.
“I’m glad we’re friends, and I’m not scared of that Linds girl. I’ll tell her off next time. What scares me more is you seeing me in my tiny shorts next Saturday when it’s this damn cold out.”
Ava let out a loud laugh and shook her head. She needed to get going to class too.

Chapter 7

Penn and Ava ate together inside the school cafeteria for the rest of the week. It was the beginning of October and already the temperature was beginning to drop into the low 30s at night and warm up only to the high 40s during the day. Mostly, they talked about the upcoming English project they paired up together to work on, and at times they ventured into learning more about each other. From what Ava learned so far Penn’s mom was a pretty amazing woman. She was an art history teacher at the local university who turned their entire home into a canvas. She’d even gone so far as to paint intricate murals onto a vast majority of their walls, including Penn’s bedroom. Ava couldn’t help but think of the stark contrast between Penn’s mom and her own workaholic parents. The most colorful thing in their house were the bottles of red wine her mother finished every night these days. When Ava asked about Penn’s father she was mortified to learn he passed away when Penn was seven of a heart attack. He was also a professor, but of history. It explained why Penn was a natural scholar and to wanted to become a professor, of what he wasn’t quite sure yet.
As Friday rolled around Ava began to feel dread instead of what used to be pure excitement for the weekend. Usually, she couldn’t wait to party hop, but now she’d rather stay at home in her pajamas where Linds couldn’t mess with her head. Though Linds had acted like nothing happened this past week, Ava could feel sharp judgemental eyes drilling into the back of her head during ever lunch hour. When Ava turned to look behind her she caught Linds, Trish, and Wendy huddled together whispering.
“Are you still coming to my meet tomorrow?” Penn’s voice broke through her nagging thoughts. “I know you’re probably bummed to hear this but the chances we will wear leggings under our shorts is quite high. I am willing to do a private showing without the leggings though if you’re interested.” Ava had completely forgotten about the meet and immediately perked up.
“Gawd, you’re so weird, but yes, I can’t wait! For the meet. I will request a private showing, but I get to pick when it is.”
“Awesome! My mom and best friend Darron will be there. You will love my mom, everyone pretty much does. Darron is a little tough at first, but I think you two will like each other. Eventually. And I’m afraid to agree to those private viewing terms, but, let’s do it. You tell me when and I’ll make it happen.”
“Deal! I am very excited to meet your mom. I likely won’t know anyone else at the meet since my crew doesn’t exactly show up to cheer on the cross-country team.”
“You mean they don’t watch nerd sports. That’s totally fine with me, I prefer they don’t show up for anything so I don’t have to deal with their shitty attitudes.”
“I, for the record, did not label cross country a nerd sport. What time should I be there?”
“We meet up at the track around 8 am. I’d have you come with us but I have to be there even earlier to warm up. My mom likes to drive me though I tell her I’m a big boy and can drive myself. I don’t even know why I bothered to get my license.”
“8 am, on a Saturday? You’re killing me! But I’ll be there. Question though… like.. how does this work? Do we stare at an empty field for hours until you come back?”
Penn laughed,“ That’s why I’ll have you meet up with my mom. She knows which checkpoints to go in order to watch us and she always studies the maps they send out. I’ve been running since freshman year at my old school so she’s a pro at this. She’ll give you a lift from point to point.”
Ava nodded and smiled, a little nervous to meet his mom and best friend. She wasn’t usually nervous to meet new people, but it meant a lot to her since these people mean everything to Penn. She was hoping to be a part of that circle eventually. He was the closest thing to a real friend she’d had in months and she really didn’t want to screw it up. She found herself inviting him to one of her games before she could stop herself.
“I’ve got a volleyball game in a couple of weekends if you’re interested. It’s a home game so you wouldn’t have to go far. The shorts are also very short. We definitely don’t wear leggings. Also, it’s our last game of the season if we lose, which we probably will, but, there’s still the shorts.”
“Oh, I’ve seen them. We’ve all seen them.” Ava threw a french fry at him. “I’d love to come, you just tell me when and I’ll be there. Not sure if you knew this but I joined the newspaper as soon as I got here last year and hoped to cover girls Volleyball this season. I was promoted right away to Junior Editor this year so didn’t get too. I heard your team was unstoppable last year and wanted to see it for myself.”
“Yeah well, I’m glad you haven’t seen much. Since my sister left it’s been brutal. There’s a lot of underclassmen and while I’m good, I was better as part of a duo. We read each other’s minds on the court, every game was seamless. The rest of the team knew to stay out of our way most of the time, and when to step in to set us up. It’s a daily struggle to stop myself from spiking a ball into the back of the head of one particularly bad sophomore.”
“Yikes. Well, I’m sorry I missed the two of you in action. But I’m still excited to watch you girls play.” Penn paused and shifted on the cheap plastic cafeteria chair. “You know, last year you two seemed so untouchable. With the gang of tall, long-haired friends and Varsity athletes following you around you both appeared… superhuman. I never thought much of who you might be as an actual person. I figured for the rest of your lives you’d run the world, everyone still chasing after you because you were both that beautiful. Not that you’re not still beautiful, but I prefer this Ava. You’re real, and multi-faceted, and I think you will run the world because like my mom you’re a strong heroine. You’ve just got find your own footing Ava, away from your sister.”
Ava could feel herself blushing and praised the good lord when the lunch bell rang. Without looking at Penn she threw her trash away and joined the massed into the crowded hallway before he could catch up with her again. Instead, on her way to her locker, she ran into Liam, who she had been avoiding since the party last weekend. He threw his massive arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to her side.

“You coming to Tim’s again tonight?” Ava pushed him off of her and tried to veer off into the hallway closest to her. Liam followed her.
“Come on Ave. I saw the way you were looking at me last Friday night.” He put his arm out, placed his huge palm on the locker in front of her to block her path.“
"Hey man, why don’t you ease off her?” Penn appeared behind them, looking more pissed than Ava had ever seen before. It was annoyingly attractive.
“Liam, this is Penn. Penn, Liam.”
“Nice to meet you, Liam.” Except Penn didn’t look anywhere near nice at that moment. Liam must have noticed the heat radiating from Penn and peeled himself away from Ava.
“Sorry, I didn’t know she was your girl.” Ava was surprised she hadn’t noticed before how tall Penn was. While Liam was stocky and wide as a barrel, Penn had height and his muscle was more evenly distributed. She wasn’t hoping for a fight, but she sure appreciated picturing Penn taking Liam down.
“She’s nobody’s property, and she would have likely told you that herself had you given her some space.”
“Alright man, chill the fuck out. Wait, I’ve seen you around. Runner right?” Liam knew he had met a match in Penn so was obviously backing down quickly.
“Yeah man, you’re on the football team, linebacker, right?”
“Yep, I thought you looked familiar. Look, I really didn’t know you guys are a thing… or whatever you are. I was just inviting Ava to a party, which you’re both welcome to come too. Gotta catch up with Linds and them, see you tonight?” Liam raced away from the two of them, looking a bit scared as he took off.
“Welp. He seems like a real winner.” Penn said sarcastically, dragging his hand through his hair.
“Oh yeah. Total shit for brains. He’s good looking but dear god.”
“Is that what you think is good looking? Hunh.” Ava wanted to tell him that she found him much more attractive than Liam, but she was doing her best to stick to this friend thing Penn was so adamant about. Even though Penn had just got telling her some pretty intimate things that not even a boyfriend had said to Ava before. But she told herself not to read into it and chalked it up to Penn being Penn.
“So, are we doing this?” Penn asked as they walked towards their class.
“Doing what?” Ava looked up at him, confused.
“Partying tonight?”
“You can’t be serious, Penn. Liam and you just nearly got into a fist fight within the first minute of meeting each other. Everyone else there is going to suck just as bad. Linds included.”
“Ava, I have something embarrassing to tell you.” Ava studied his face to see if he was joking, but he didn’t appear to be.
“I’ve never been to a high school party.”
“What!?!”
“I mean at my old school we didn’t really have parties, it was really small so we just hung out in basements. And I didn’t drink. Clearly, I don’t get invited to parties at this school. So, here I am. Junior year and I’ve never been to a party.”
“Well Penn, be prepared to be sorely disappointed. But if you really want to experience it, I’d love to take you tonight. Just promise me you won’t get in a fight.”
“I promise, I’m not really the fighting kind. Unless a guy does something shitty to a girl. I can’t tolerate that. Anyways, I know it’s going to be awful. But it’s kind of something I need to do, right? I’ll go to college in a couple years and I don’t want to be that crazy freshman that nearly dies at his first party because he doesn’t know how to control himself.”
“You’re right, I don’t want you to be that person either. I really can’t believe I’m agreeing to this, but let’s do it. The night will likely take a weird turn, but you’ll be safe with me. Promise.”
“Awesome! I’m pumped, but I can’t drink too much because I’ve got a meet tomorrow. And you’ve got to get up for the meet tomorrow.”
“I know Penn, I know. I’ll be responsible and I’ll make sure you don’t get too crazy. I barely drink at these things anymore anyway. I’ll come to pick you up later tonight around 10. I’ll text you. See you then!”
Ava waved and turned down the hall to go to class. Her stomach flipped as she thought of spending time with Penn outside of lunch or her car, with alcohol involved, and with all of her not so friendly friends watching their every move.

Chapter 8

Ava applied her mascara carefully in the bathroom mirror, careful to coat each lash and not get any on her eyelids which she’d already shadowed in a neutral shade. Her parents were both out for the night at some lawyer’s gala, and Mac, her brother, was staying with friends for the weekend. She loved having the house all to herself to get ready for the night. She applied her perfume by spraying the space in front of her and walking through it. She was trying her best to look put together but not like she was trying too hard. Linds, Trish and Whitney would likely layer on their smokey eyeshadow and contour, but Ava was long over trying to look that good for the same group of people.
For a minute she flashed back to a memory of Jackie mixing shots for them while getting ready together on a night very similar to this one. They picked out each other’s outfits, curled one another’s hair, and joked about who would make out with who for the evening. Their parents were out at this very same gala, but the sisters were positive they knew the girls drank anyway. As long as they didn’t embarrass the family, neither their mom or dad had anything much to say about it. She couldn’t remember who they hooked up with or how much they drank that night, but she could vividly recall watching her sister from the sidelines, always the life of the party. She wondered what Jaclyn was up to now.
Ava finished fixing her hair by curling it at the top and leaving the ends straight for perfect beach waves, a trick Linds had taught her this summer. She swiped her lips with a deep rose lipstick left on the counter by her mom and decided it would do just fine. She decided on a tight-fitting quarter-length cream-colored top which left a few bare inches of stomach before the start of her skinny Citizen’s jeans.

She shut off the bathroom lights and curling iron and went downstairs to put on her coat. Though she hated how puffy it was, it was too cold tonight to wear anything else. She grabbed her biggest purse to hide the bottle of vodka she took from the liquor cabinet above the sink. Her parents rarely checked it and had plenty of backups anyways. As she went to turn the front door handle Ava’s stomach rolled again at the thought of tonight. She turned back around and headed towards the kitchen to pour herself a shot of vodka to calm down. Her phone buzzed from Penn, asking where she was. She didn’t realize it was already 10.
“Coming!!!” She responded and downed her drink.
The night had quickly turned freezing cold and she was incredibly grateful she decided on her puffy coat over the thin sweater she originally picked out. She looked up Penn’s address and saw that he lived on the “other” side of town. It was called the “Other” side because it really was the complete opposite side of the town from her house, but also where the houses were smaller and the cars were used instead of brand new. She hadn’t been near his neighborhood since she was little. She remembered her friend from swim class, Courtney, had invited her over. She was the only friend Ava ever knew that didn’t have a rich mommy and daddy. After one playdate at Ava’s house, she never heard from Courtney again. Their moms had decided they were just too different from one another. Funny how parents can make decisions like that for you, she thought.
Ava tried to settle the nerves the vodka hadn’t yet, telling herself it was stupid to be nervous over Penn. This was the guy that was obsessed with literature and history and literally ran in circles for fun. He was cute but she’d dated cuter. All of this didn’t stop her from realizing why she was so attracted to him though. He was the first guy she’d known to ever try to be her friend, and the first guy to appreciate her for who she was. Or was becoming. Even though she wasn’t sure of exactly what that meant yet, but he somehow did.
She pulled up to his house, a small cottage painted a deep shade of what might have been blue but could be mistaken for purple, it was too dark to tell. Ava figured it was Penn’s mom who likely decided on the color.
“I’m here!!!” Ava texted, glad the car was finally beginning to feel warm and she could almost feel her fingers again. Penn came out right away, wearing skinny black jeans, white converse, and a puffier jacket than Ava had on. She smiled, not even sure why he made her smile. Maybe it was the way Penn never tried too hard and was so damn comfortable in his own skin. He slid into the front seat, shutting the door quickly and blowing into his hands to warm him.
“What are you so smiley about? It’s so cold!” He asked.
“Oh nothing!” said Ava, trying to cover up her lameness. “Sorry that I’m so late. I had the house to myself so time got away from me.”
“Was I supposed to bring anything to drink?”
“I have some stuff. Have you been drunk before, Penn?”
“Oh my god. I’m not that lame. I haven’t blacked out or anything, but yes, I’ve drunk substantial amounts of alcohol before. I’ve tampered with the devil’s liquid.”
Ava snorted, “You are such a nerd.”
“Guilty.” Penn shrugged and saw the vodka in her bag at the floorboard at his feet.
“I see you’re very prepared, are we going to drink all that?”
“God no. I told you I’m going to be responsible tonight. Mostly I brought that for you, but only as much as you want.”
“Phew. I’m ready to have a good time but I’ve got to be up early and can’t screw my team over.”
Ava began driving and they talked a bit more about the meet before pulling up to Tim’s, well Tim’s brother’s house, on the edge of the college campus.
“Tim’s brother must be back in town this weekend,” Ava said, eyeing the front yard full of college kids with solo cups. Penn’s eyes widened in shock, taking in the massive party exploding into the street before him. Even in the cold weather people braved the outdoors to be part of this party.
“Ready for this?” Ava asked, parking down the block and putting her hand on his shoulder.
“I really don’t know if I am.”
“Oh come on, you’re the one who wanted to come!” With that, she turned off the car and stepped onto the pavement. Penn slowly walked around the car to join her. Ava grabbed his arm and wove through the crowd to the backyard. She knew she’d find people she knew back there, huddled around the fire. Liam, Linds, Whitney, Trish and the rest of the crew sat in a circle around a huge fire, passing around a joint.

“She made it!” Liam stood up and gave Ava a big bear hug that lasted a bit too long for comfort. They were all already buzzed. Linds and the girls waved but didn’t bother to get up. It had become noticeably weird between all of them. They each looked at Ava to Penn and back, eyebrows raised. Ava noticed that soccer player Luke had the sophomore girl from last week’s party in his lap. He didn’t bother to look up at Ava or give her the time of day, which was fine with her. He was a douche anyways, and his breath had always smelled like onions. Liam clung to her shoulders, stoned out of his mind, Penn shifting uncomfortably beside her. Ava tried to clear the air of awkwardness by introducing Penn.
“Everyone this is Penn. Penn started at Westwood last year. I know you’ve probably seen us hanging out a bit lately. We’re just friends, and I want to show Penn a good time tonight since he’s never partied with us before.”
They all nodded while looking Penn up and down. He wasn’t wearing the typical polo and expensive jean combo the rest of the guys wore, and all of their judgment was clear. Ava turned to Penn and whispered into his ear to follow her to the kitchen to get some mixers and beer. Penn happily walked away from the group.
“We’ll be back guys. We’re a little too sober for this right now.”
They all laughed and passed her and Penn the joint. Ava took a long hit, while Penn shook his head no. Everyone looked around to smirk at each other.
“Let’s go.” Ava said, pulling Penn’s arm again to steer him in the right direction. In the kitchen, Ava apologized for them. Penn just nodded and threw back a shot of vodka, chased it with beer.
“That should do me for the night. Don’t let me drink anymore. I probably won’t but I can’t risk the meet tomorrow.”
“You sure? I doubt that will do much.”
“Yeah, I don’t foresee this being the kind of party I want to rage at.”
“Ugh. Same. I’m sorry I can’t show you more of a good time but I haven’t been vibing well with these guys for a while now.”
“No, I’m happy to be here with you. Now I just know my time is much better spent otherwise.”
Ava tried not to look disappointed but a brilliant idea came to her.
“Hey, come upstairs with me, I’ve got something to show you.”
Penn started to raise his hands in discomfort.
“Oh my god, no. Not to a bedroom. Somewhere else.”
Ava took the lead and headed up the stairs to a room at the end of the hallway. She knocked loudly to verify that it was unoccupied. Thankfully it was. Penn still hesitated behind her, looking around the hall to make sure he had a clear escape route if needed. Ava opened the door and motioned for him to follow her. She went straight to the bedroom window and opened it, climbing out onto the roof. She poked her head back in to see Penn staring at the open window.
“Well, are you coming?”
“Are you crazy? It’s freezing!”
“It’s the warmest it’s going to be for the next few months, come out here!”
Penn reluctantly stepped out onto the roof, cautiously scooting down until he was next to her. They looked down below to see that no one on the ground below was paying any attention to them.
“Is this how it will always be? You taking me to great heights to look down at the world below?”
“That sounds a lot more profound than I would’ve put it. I’m just showing you the spots that allow me space to step back and see the bigger picture. I’ve come to parties at houses similar to these for years now, and for the most part, there is always a roof to escape too.”
“I really appreciate you sharing these spots with me. I’ve been mostly a hermit since moving here. But it helps that my Mom has made our house one of the most beautiful, enjoyable havens to be.”
“I’m excited to meet your Mom.”
“She’s very excited to meet you too!.”
“Wait, she knows about me?”
“Uhhh. Yeah, that’s kind of embarrassing. I told her I made a new friend and she nearly tackled me with joy. She can’t wait to spend tomorrow with you.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of pressure. What if I don’t measure up to her expectations?”
“Ava, the only person who doesn’t think you measure up is you. She’ll love you.”
“Yeah?”
“I know she will. I know these things. I am a knower of things.”
“Oh please do stop!”
Penn laughed and looked over at her. “You’re a lot different from those people you call your friends.”
“You think so? Sometimes I think I am, sometimes I think I’m just going through a weird self-discovery phase and I’ll be close with them again.
"Nah, you’ve clearly outgrown them. Which is a good thing! You’re going to find new things and people that fit you so much better.”
“Are you one of those people?”
“I’d like to think so.”
They sat there a few minutes longer before both of them couldn’t stand the cold any longer. Penn climbed through the window first, Ava closely behind. Linds stood in the bedroom doorway, arms crossed.
“Hey Ave- can I talk to you for a second?” She asked. Penn looked at Ava, searching for a sign of if he should go or stay. Ava nodded at him that it was okay to leave her to deal with this. As soon as Penn left the room Linds stalked towards her.
“Are you dating that guy? He’s cute and all but not your type.”
“What is my type then Linds? Any jock that can take my pants off in record time?”
“Well… I mean Ava that’s what you like. Liam is so into you. He’s frustrated this week you suddenly go for this Penn guy who nobody knows anything about. He doesn’t even live on our side of town.”
“Looks like you all do know something about him then.” Ava crossed her arms over her chest, mirroring Linds.
“We started asking around when you began ditching us at lunch to hang with him. He sounds like a total fucking nerd. And innocent. Does he like, even know who you are?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“Ava. You and Jackie weren’t exactly…prude. You messed around with one hot guy until the next hotter one came along. You’ve been acting so weird since this past summer. I know Jackie leaving was hard, but you don’t have to act so totally fucking depressed. We’re still here and we’re your friends, you know.” Ava nearly laughed out loud at the word ‘friends’.
“Linds, either you’re drunk or you really are a bitch.”
“I’m a little bit of both, probably. But Ava, be careful. We know things about you that would make that guy never want to talk to you again.”
“Is that a threat? Are you threatening me? I’ve never done anything to you guys. And I never would. Plus, why the hell are you going after Penn? He said you basically called me a whore and then hit on him.”
“Look, Ava, you know the hierarchy around here. Guys still think you’re Queen Bee. They think you’re hotter because you’re untouchable now. But some girls, I’m not saying me, will do anything to take your spot and knock you on your perfectly shaped ass. Just be careful.” Linds stepped around her, proudly walking down the hallway without looking back.
Ava was furious. She felt like crying and punching Linds right in her too- small-of-nose at the same time. She went to go find Penn and didn’t see him anywhere in the house. When she walked back outside to the firepit, she looked over to find Penn with Trish hanging all over him as he uncomfortably tried to detangle himself from her. Once he saw Ava’s face he immediately broke away to get to her.
“What went on up there?” Penn asked. Ava stared at Linds and Penn followed her gaze. They could see Linds through the flames, tossing her long mane of brilliant blonde hair over her shoulder and fluttering her heavily mascaraed eyes up at Liam.
“Ava, what the hell just happened?” Penn asked looking concerned and putting his hand on his elbow.
“Fuck these people Penn. Let’s go.” Tears were welling up in her eyes and about to gush over her cheeks but Ava would not give them the satisfaction of seeing her cry. Penn tried to pull her in for a hug but she pulled away and began pushing through the crowd to get back to her car. Penn followed behind her and put his hand on her lower back. Someone pulled away from a nearby group to wave his arms up and down.
“Ava, is that you? Ava! It’s me, Ethan!”
Ethan, Jaclyn’s awful ex-boyfriend, stood at the end of the yard completely blocking their escape route. He was every bit the sleazy looking frat guy she remembered him to be, all the way down to his terrible boat shoes and bright yellow coat. He ran across the lawn, spilling alcohol out of his solo cup. When he got closer they smelled the overwhelming mixture of spicy cologne, cigarettes, and weed.
“Ava! I thought that was you! You look so much like your sister, it’s crazy.”
“Oh. Hey, Ethan.” Ava tried to walk around him but he blocked her path.
“Thats all I get?! How’s your sis doing? I haven’t heard from her much since she left for school.”
“You know about as much as I do.”
“Yeah well, tell her to call me if you talk to her. Or you can call me too, you know, you’re looking as good as ever, Ava.” Ava nearly vomited into her mouth in disgust.
“What did you just say?” Ava stood eye level with Ethan, they were around the same height with Ava’s heels on. At that moment, she felt she had the strength to knock him flat on his ass. Penn studied them both, not quite sure if he should step in or let Ava do the damage he deserved.
“Buddy, I would walk away if I were you.” Penn said as a warning.
“Are you her boyfriend or something? What kind of fucking nerd wears converse?”
“This kind of nerd, apparently. Please excuse us.” Penn guided Ava around Ethan and towards her car, before turning around to get one last word in.“ Hey, bro, you’re spilling beer all over your boat shoes. I may be a nerd but at least I’m not a sloppy disgusting creep.”
Penn and Ava laughed hysterically as Ethan ran up and tried to sucker punch Penn but slipped on the pavement and fell onto the sidewalk instead.
“You mothe-” Ethan shouted from the ground.
“That was all you, dumbass. Enjoy your evening.” Ava said, handing Penn her keys and stepping around Ethan to get to the driver’s side door. “And don’t ever think of contacting my sister, or me, again.”
Once inside the car, Ava avoided eye contact with Penn. She wanted to say thank you and also apologize for such a shitty evening. She wasn’t sure what they were thinking, coming to this.
“Well…” said Penn, not sure what to say either.
Ava sat silently in the seat, looking straight ahead. It wasn’t even 11 yet.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry about all of that. That was embar-”
“Stop Ava. You don’t need to apologize for it. Whatever that girl told you upstairs, please ignore it. You can be done with that. Let yourself be done with it. Your sister isn’t here and you don’t have to deal with those assholes if you don’t want to anymore.”
Ava sat there nodding blankly. Penn was already driving, but not back to his house. He headed left instead of right when Ava realized he was taking her downtown. He parked on a street Ava didn’t know very well and got out of the car to open the door.
“Now I get to show you one of my favorite places in Westwood.”
Penn smiled as he watched Ava’s face light up in the neon glow of Ying Li’s Open sign. She hadn’t even noticed it until that moment but she was starving, and Chinese was the perfect food to find comfort in after this weird evening.

Chapter 9

The inside of the restaurant was everything you’d hope for from a hole in the wall Chinese restaurant. The red and purple spherical paper lanterns hung from the ceiling, hitting Penn on the head as they walked back to a table. They picked a booth by the window which seemed to be the best option out of the five to choose from. It looked as if the restaurant hadn’t been cleaned in years, which Ava took as a sign that the food was extra delicious. She’d had plenty of Chinese food in Westwood, but never Ying Li before.
A server approached, quickly nodding and speaking in curt sentences as she took their order of crab rangoons, spicy orange chicken, and egg drop soup. They were alone since it was late, but too early for the drunk college crowd. Ava was sure they made a killing after midnight on the weekends.
Ava felt Penn watching her face as she studied the restaurant, taking in all of its quirky glory. She looked back his way and gave him a small smile. She was feeling better after he had distracted her with small talk in the car on the way over.
She became lost in thought on how she obviously found him attractive, but he wasn’t her usual type. He was slender and toned instead of the hulky guys she usually found herself drawn too. His eyes were an extra bright shade of blue this evening, complemented by his high cheekbones, golden skin, and perfectly straight teeth which made him almost pretty, but his confidence and protective nature were undeniably masculine. He caught her staring at him.
“Do I have something on my face?” Penn swiped at his mouth. Ava laughed.
“No, no. I was just day dreaming. That’s all.” She looked down at her lap to avoid staring at him again.
“That Linds girl sure is a real treat. Sorry to bring it up again but I think we should get it out of the way before we start in on some delicious food. What’s her actual deal?”
“Well, full disclosure, Linds and I have been friends forever. We grew up together; her, Jaclyn, and me. She probably felt like a third wheel to the two of us for most of it, but she never complained. She was always there, doing whatever bossy thing Jaclyn told her to do. I guess now that Jaclyn’s gone, and me clearly not interested in popularity anymore, she will do anything to take the throne of most popular girl. It’s weird because I’ll gladly let her be as popular as she wants and take the back seat. I have no ill will towards any of them. But it’s like, even if I decide to walk away and do my own thing, they will end me. Or me as everyone thinks they know me. I don’t know. I don’t really get it. Jaclyn messed with all the girl’s heads in our group. Who knows what she did to Linds. Regardless It looks like if I don’t play their games, I will get my ass torn apart, mean girls style.”
“Well shit. She is worse than I thought. What are you going to do?”
“It looks like I can’t do much. Tonight was a true threat that my time at the top is near the end. It’s been slowly happening anyways and after that talk with Linds, there is no coming back from this. But, whatever, high school bull shit. I wish I cared more, I just don’t. We’ll be out of here soon is what I keep saying. Anyways, Let’s talk about tomorrow! Tell me about your friend Darron.”
“Oh Darron! He’s such a good dude! I met him when we were twelve. Our parents enrolled us both in summer school just so we’d have something to do for the summer. All the actual camps were too expensive for our families. It turned out we bonded over being super nerds. I loved reading anything I could get my hands on and he loved looking at everything through a magnifying glass. We were in every way a walking target for summer school bullies, so I can kind of relate to what you’re going through? We managed to keep each other from sustaining any major injuries. Darron is still smart but he’s not that geeky anymore. We both grew into our skin in the last couple of years and vowed that even though we were smart we wouldn’t be total dweebs. We started working as lifeguards together last summer so that we’re still able to hang out after I moved. We both drive a half hour to meet in the middle so we can hang out nearly every day all summer. ”
“I’m so jealous. Outside of my sister, I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend like that. Even so, I’ve never had friends I had interests outside of boys and alcohol. If you don’t mind me asking, have you had a girlfriend before?”
“Oof. Yeahhhh. I had a girl break my heart freshman year. Ashlyn Evanson. Total babe. Derrick warned me it was going to be a tough one. We dated for about a year and a half-”
“That’s a pretty long time. Was she pretty?” Ava blurted out. She wanted to slap herself in the face for asking.
“Yep. We lasted way longer than anyone else expected. She was, how do you say, busty? Curvy? Anyways. Guys drooled over her and made fun of her for dating me. I was shorter, chubbier, a little zitty back then.” Ava smiled as he gestured accordingly with each attribute. His animated movements were always entertaining.
“Also, it took a great barber here to finally teach me how to deal with my hair. It’s a little curly so in humidity, it turns into a bird’s nest. Anyways. I keep it short now and use product. Man, describing it now I don’t know what the hell she saw in me.”
“I think I could see why.” Ava hoped her cheeks didn’t show as much color as she felt rushing into them. The alcohol and weed were eating away her filter. She was more buzzed than she thought she was.
“Oh yeah- it’s because I’m charming right? Smooth. Bewitching if you will?” Penn raised an eyebrow while Ava just shook her head slowly and sarcastically no.
“God no. If you were anything now like you were then, I would say it’s because you’re caring. Thoughtful. Guys don’t usually learn that until much later, if ever.”
“Yeah. well. Maybe. Anyways, I walked in on her giving a blow job to our small town tennis star Jack Pleban. I didn’t think to call Ashlyn to let her know I was coming over, and her mom just let me in their front door. When I opened the door to her bedroom there she was, on her knees in front of the hottest dude in high school. I’m guessing Jack snuck in through her window since her mom clearly didn’t know what was going on in there either. I ran like a bat out of hell and told myself not to cry, but it was mortifying. For me, but also for her. The only one who got off okay that day was Jack, well, maybe not since I interrupted.” Ava laughed loudly. “When my mom asked me to move a month later I gladly agreed. I was sad to leave Darron and our other friends but it was only an hour away. I knew it would be better for my Mom, she wouldn’t have the long commute to the university anymore. My dad and her met in my old town which is why she didn’t want to leave for a while, but it was time.” Ava nodded empathetically.
The waitress arrived with all of their food. The smell caused Ava to moan loudly and she was too hungry at this point to care.
“So, do you remember much about your dad?” Ava asked between mouth fulls of delicious chicken and crab rangoons.
“I do and I don’t. Since I was seven when he had his heart attack I remember more of how devastating it was to watch my mom try to hold it together. He was taken so suddenly there was no time to take it all time. The funeral happened, school ended for the year, and suddenly it was just the two of us left together alone in a quiet, shell of a house. We knew then that we had to make the best of it with one another. My mom just recently told me how she met him. It was a scandalous relationship apparently. My mom was a student of his when he was a high school teacher. I’m talking a thirty-something-year-old high school teacher, not a fresh out of college young teacher. Anyways, once she graduated high school, they started dating. He divorced his then-wife and married my ma five years later. She had me in her mid-thirties, so my Dad was in his early 50s when he died. Still too young to pass, but not as young as people first think when meeting my mom.”
“God Penn. I’m so sorry. I’m always so enwrapped with my lame ass issues when you lived through that.”
“Ava, stop. I don’t think about it much anymore. I mean I do, I know I’m a lot like him but I’ve had a great life with my mom. She’s incredible and everything I could ever ask for in a parent. You’ll just love her.”
They tried to talk more over food but found themselves too preoccupied with shoveling it in, coming down from their buzzes into food comas. Penn paid for the bill and told Ava he needed to get some sleep before the meet. She didn’t realize how late it had gotten.
Ava drove Penn home with the windows cracked, heat blasting. They both knew every word of Ghost of a Good Thing by Dashboard Confessional and sang it at the top of their lungs until pulling into Penn’s driveway. She reluctantly parked the car, not wanting the night to end. Which was surprising after the rough beginning to the night.
“Thanks for dinner Penn, I couldn’t have picked a better spot.”
“Of course. I owed you. Thanks for letting me know why I will never again attend a shitty high school party. By the way, Ashlyn was pretty and all but she doesn’t have anything on you. Not that I’m into you like that or anything. I-I’m not. And if Linds does start to spread rumors I’ll be there to combat them with you. Even if they are true, fuck ‘em.”
Penn jumped out of the car with that, before Ava could even respond, and quietly entered his house as to not wake up his mom. A laugh from deep within Ava came up and kept going as she pulled out into the street. She felt crazy, but god if she didn’t feel alive. She smiled the whole way home with the crisp cool air whipping her hair, heater blasting. She tapped her hands to the beat on the steering wheel, letting everything feel good, better than it had in a long time. When she got home she floated up the stairs to her bedroom, everyone in her house asleep. She looked down at her phone as it buzzed, hoping it was from Penn. Instead, she saw she had been tagged in a post from her sister.
“Missing my bestie. My sissy. Love You Avie.”
It was a picture of them the summer before last, arms wrapped around each other on the Lookout. They were stoned out of their minds and about to meet up with some guys. Ava guessed it was an attempt to be sweet but it came off more like a half-assed attempt to reach out. She threw her phone across the room and vowed to ignore Jaclyn until she made a concerted effort to have a real conversation. Panda snuck in her bedroom through the crack in her door. She hopped up onto the bed and took her usual spot on top of Ava’s head. Ava tried to hold it together as she listened to Panda’s purrs, but tears fell in streams until she fell asleep. As much as she tried to start over, there was always something pulling her back.

Chapter 10

Ava awoke to her head pounding and a phone alarm blaring loudly into her ear. She opened her eyes wide enough to see the time and realized she needed to rush if she was going to get to the track on time. She threw covers off of her and quickly ran to the bathroom in the hall to get a quick shower in. She suspected her parents were already down in the kitchen, silently making coffee and working on their computers even though it was a Saturday.
Ava was in and out of the shower in five minutes. She wrapped her body and hair with towels and got ready to go in record time. She made sure to layer extra today, it looked like it would be in the cold in the morning, and warm as the sun came out in the afternoon. She made sure to blow dry her hair, throw on some mascara, and call it good. She didn’t love not getting to apply her usual makeup routine, but this would have to do.
She ran down the stairs and saw her parents sitting on opposite sides of the island, quietly sipping their coffee, tapping away on their keyboards. It appeared like they had gotten into another fight, most likely money related from the look on her Dad’s face. She crept in quietly to grab a banana, not wanting to make matters worse. Sometimes walking in the room caused a fight to break out either between her and her father or between her father and mother. They both said good morning without looking up from their computers. Typical. Ava spotted a bill on the counter that she recognized right away as her sister’s credit card, the one she was supposed to use for emergencies only. The charges reached over 18,000 dollars. Ava froze, wanting to ask questions, but knew they would tell her it was no business of hers.
“I’m going up to the school for a cross country meet, I’ll most likely be back in the afternoon. Need anything while I’m out?”
They both shook their head no. Her mom snapped out of it for a minute realizing Ava had mentioned cross country.
“Cross country? That’s not a sport I’ve heard you ever supporting?”
“Yeah, I uh. I have a new friend that asked me to watch.”
Her mom raised her left eyebrow. “What kind of friend?”
Ava nearly rolled her eyes but didn’t want her father’s head to snap up and join the conversation.
“Just a friend, Mom. Nothing else.”
“Mmhmm. Well, have fun, and we’d like to meet your new friend some time. Wouldn’t we Bryant?”
Her dad looked up, a grim expression on his face. Never one for talking, besides to state the facts to win nearly every case he was on, he curtly nodded one slow, begrudging nod, and looked back down at his computer. Feeling sufficiently iced out for the day, Ava ran out the door, relieved to be away from the house for the day. Saturdays were the only day her parents spent together for an extended period of time. Sundays they reserved for either catching up on work or enjoying with friends separately. For all their lives, Jaclyn, Ava and Mac were to entertain themselves elsewhere or stay perfectly quiet on Saturdays. She texted Mac to go to the neighbor’s house today, she didn’t want him to have to endure what she just walked into.

First she sped out of the driveway in a rush, but quickly realized she would most likely spend most of the day waiting for Penn to turn corners or run past her at certain points. Very much a hurry up and wait scenario. So she slowed a bit and began to worry about making a good impression on Penn’s mom and best friend.
“We’re just friends.” Ava had to remind herself multiple time during the drive. She reached the school and parked on the upper lot next to the track. She saw a small crowd of people standing outside as the teams stretched in the middle of the field. Penn saw her from a distance and ran over to introduce her quickly to his mom and Darron before returning to his stretches.
“Ava! You made it! I would’ve forgiven you if you decided to sleep in. Those shots of vodka did more damage than I thought they would, how about you?”
“Ah, yes! I almost snoozed through the whole thing! But I made it.”
“Thank you for coming!”
They both shuffled their feet, noticing how weird and formal they were being now that they were together in public at a school event. Ava scanned the crowd for signs of Penn’s mom and friend. She was on edge, really hoping she clicked right away with them. She hadn’t cared this much about something in a very long time.

Penn caught what must be his mother’s eye and waved his arms wildly in the air, motioning for her to come over. His mother was beautiful, even from a distance, with long shiny black hair that rippled behind her as she jogged towards them. She was in impeccable shape with naturally golden skin. Penn hadn’t mentioned that she was a total MILF, she would have to discuss this important matter with Penn later. As soon as his mom reached the two of them she opened her arms up and engulfed Ava in a tight hug, something Ava was not expecting at all. Coming from the reserved family she was brought up in, Ava didn’t know people to express love in many ways, especially physically. However, Ava melted into it and felt cared for right away. She knew she was going to love her as much as Penn said.
“Mom, come on. You don’t even know her!”
“Oh, but I just am so excited to meet you Ava! Penn hasn’t shut up about you! Usually it’s some book he’s read but it has been Ava this, Ava that. I hope his incessant fascination with certain subjects doesn’t drive you away. I feel like that’s why he hasn’t had a girlfriend since that blow-job giving what’s her name. My god you are so beautiful! He didn’t mention that.”
“Mom- please. Please stop talking.”
She playfully smacked Penn’s arm and he rolled his eyes. “It really is so great to meet you Ava!”
“Well, Ava, I hate to leave you with this- woman I am related too. Mom can you please introduce her to Darron when he gets here? Coach is going to yell at me if I take any longer.”
Penn was already running away as he made the request. Penn’s mom didn’t leave a second of silence and was already asking multiple questions about herself. Ava loved it.
“So Penn tells me you’re a volleyball player? Like a really good one? I’ve always wanted to play volleyball. I do lots of yoga and pilates but I’m not so good at actual sports. Neither is Penn. Don’t tell him I said that. But that’s why he sticks to running.”
Ava smiled and nodded,“ So Mrs.-”
“AH NO, call me Jana!”
“Okay.. Jana, is it okay if I ride with you today? I’m not sure what Penn mentioned but-”
“Of course! I planned on it. Oh here’s Darron coming now! I love Darron he’s like my second son. He’s a bit stiff sometimes, but you’ll grow to love him.” Jana was gesturing at him wildly to come over just like Penn. The two of them were most definitely related.
Darron wasn’t what Ava was expecting at all. She remembered Penn telling her both him and Darron had grown out of their awkwardness, but she was picturing Darron as still a bit on the dorky side. This guy, however, was far from. He was huge, muscular, and reaching almost 6'5 looked like he could be a professional basketball player. He had flawless light brown skin and bright green eyes. He and Jana gave each other a big hug hello.
“Oh Darron it’s always so good to see you! You have to meet Ava, Penn’s new friend.”
Jana practically dragged Darron over to Ava. Ava was nearly 5'8" so wasn’t short by any means, but this guy made her feel like a tiny doll. Darron purposely stuck out a hand instead of giving her a hug. He didn’t look all too too excited to meet her. Her stomach sank.
Stiffly, he said, “Hello, Ava. Penn told me you would be here. Glad you could make it. It’s good to hear he’s found a friend at school. I was worried about him. He’s a great dude, but people take advantage of that shit. We miss him back home but love that Jana is happy here.” Jana practically beamed. Ava wasn’t sure what to think of Darron. She could tell he cared for Penn and Jana deeply, but seemed he wasn’t convinced Ava was worth any of his time. While Penn and Jana were possibly the warmest, most genuine people she had ever met, she was less sure of Darron.
They all made small talk while Penn stretched, made bearable by Penn’s mom until Jana asked how Darron’s family was doing. It was clear Darron didn’t want to give any details about his personal life with Ava hanging around. While she felt a bit like an outcast in Penn’s tight circle, she was genuinely happy to be with people who weren’t Linds and her crew. Thinking of them immediately made her sick so was grateful for this distraction.
Finally, the runners assembled signaling that it was time to get the race started. Ava watched as they all jumped up and down in their thin uniforms, trying to warm up. She felt guilty in her puffy coat and boots, but Penn caught her eye and gave her a huge smile. She could feel blood rushing to her cheeks and wanted to die. No guy should look that cute in those ridiculous uniforms. And then before she knew it, they were off. Jana and Darron yelled at the top of their lungs, and Ava realized she should probably join in too. Normally she’d have to be drunk or high to do something like this, but today she was open to new experiences.
As the runners ran out of eyesight Jana motioned at Ava to follow her and Darron to the car. Jana insisted that she take the front seat but Ava took the back instead, not wanting to piss off Darron anymore than she had just by being present. Jana urged Darron to pick a radio station, to which he put on the only r&b station available in Westwood.
“Too many rich white people live around here.”
Ava laughed as Jana hit his arm. Ava spoke up from the back seat.
“Oh, don’t worry. I know it’s true and I’d have to wholeheartedly agree. The few people of color at my school are trust fund kids like the rest of us.”
“That’s part of Penn’s problem. He doesn’t trust rich people,” Jana said nonchalantly. “I felt like a horrible mother at first when he started last year. He was miserable for the first semester before he started making friends with the teachers instead of the students. Most of the parents make the teachers yearly salary in less than a month around here.”
“Yeah, usually the families with less money go to Bayford, on the other side of town.” Ava said.
“You mean our side of town?” Jana laughed, not taking it too heart.
“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing…” Ava said, immediately embarrassed.
“No, of course you didn’t Ava. We are the last neighborhood that falls within the Westwood school district before it changes to Bayford. It was the only house I could find within our budget when we moved here. Penn would’ve probably preferred he went to Bayford, but the teachers are excellent at Westwood. There’s no denying that.”
“Well, I’m so glad he came to Westwood. Honest.” Ava tried to save some face. Honestly, she didn’t appreciate her teachers and had never taken a whole lot of time to get to know any of them like Penn had. She was naturally smart and annoyed her friends with her good grades without ever trying too hard. She felt like a spoiled brat, and she could tell Darron was thinking the same thing.
“We’re here!” Jana yelled as they pulled off to the next stop and waited for Penn to round the corner. Jana went to grab a coffee, somehow knowing she’d have enough time before Penn passed. Ava started to ask Darron about himself but he had time to come up with any difficult questions.
“So I hear you and Penn go way back?”
“Jana and Penn are basically my family, not that I don’t love my own huge and crazy one. But they have always gone out of their way to care of others before themselves. Often they get hurt by it. People take advantage of them easily. And I’m not saying you’re one of those people, Ava. Penn barely knows you and already I know he’s excited to have you around. But know he’ll go above and beyond to care for you, and I don’t want to see him fall on his face again. I’m sure you know about that girl he dated when he was just a kid. He never really got over that. He’s sometimes attracted to people for the wrong things. Just watch it, okay?”
Ava’s face fell, and she took a step back from Darron. She tried her best to put on a smile when Jana returned and snuck a coffee into her hands.
“Oh my gosh, thank you. I would’ve paid. I- ”
“No! My treat.”
Darron shook his head at Ava and started cheering as Penn rounded the corner, near the middle of the pack. Jana leaned over to whisper in Ava’s ear. “Ava, Darron is super protective of Penn. Please, don’t let what he says get to you. I was hoping he wouldn’t say anything stupid but I’ll yell at him alone later. He’s happy for Penn that he found a new friend. A pretty new friend. But he may be a little jealous too.” She put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her in for a quick side hug. “Never feel like you’re not welcome. With Penn and I, the door’s always open.”
Ava smiled, feeling much better. The way Jana held her made her feel incredibly cozy and loved. Likely, this is what a mother-daughter relationship felt for some people. Ava felt a twinge of sadness for something she hadn’t realized she’d been missing.
She could also see exactly why Darron had warned her. Jana and Penn would open their door to any stranger and make them feel loved. Ava understood then exactly why she needed to keep her pact to stay friends with Penn. Friends meant love, not pain. Friends meant family, not hostility. Friends meant longevity. Friends meant she would have a shot at being part of a family that truly loved and cared for one another. She saw for the first time why staying friends was much more important to her than it could ever be to Penn.

Chapter 11
They followed Penn at a few more checkpoints and cheered at the finish line of the race, where he crossed over third. Though Ava and Darron’s talk made things incredibly awkward, Jana made up for it by talking nonstop about her major crush Mr. Henley, Penn’s coach. She made them both check her lipstick every few minutes and stood in direct eyesight of Mr. Henley at each checkpoint. Ava was pretty sure he was into it.
Penn looked exhausted as the team cooled down together. He barely listened as Mr. Henley gave his speech. Penn looked over at the three of them to roll his eyes and smile. They waved and got into Jana’s car to go back to the school since Penn had to take the bus back.
“Jana, I can’t thank you enough for taking me around today. It’s been so great to hang out with you, to hang out with both of you.”
Darron just nodded in the front seat, looking out of the window.
“Oh Ava, you are such a treat! I’m so glad Penn and you found each other - I mean - as friends. I think you’re just what he needed.”
Ava felt the warmth rush to her cheeks as anger radiated off Darron’s body. She slunk down in her seat, wanting to die.
“Are you both up for eating at TJ’s for lunch? Darron, you have to try these burgers. You will LOVE them,” Jana gestured wildly at the word LOVE. Both Darron and Ava knew that even if they had other plans, they couldn’t turn turn down this invitation even if they tried.
“Sure,” said Darron, uncomfortably.
“I’d love too. TJ’s is a favorite of mine too.”
“Great!”
They arrived back at the school and waited for Penn to take a quick shower and change. Ava figured it must be a tradition for them to eat right after the meet. Penn came towards them wearing blue jeans and a nicely fitting gray crew neck. She hadn’t seen him wear full fall clothing yet, but she was a big fan of what she saw. Darron gave him a huge clap on the back as Jana hugged him and doted on what a great job he did. Ava stood there, arms crossed, avoiding Darron’s evil eye. Penn turned to her, expecting some sort of positive feed back.
“Yeah uh, great job Penn. Looks like it went as best as it could for a uh, running competition.”
“Wow Ava, so inspired by your words. Almost as inspiring as Mr. Henley’s speech.” Penn turned back to Jana. “Mom, please stop being so obvious. Everyone can see you trying to hit on him. It’s embarrassing.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about Penn.” Jana flipped her hair over her shoulder and strutted to her car, in plain eyesight in from of Mr. Henley. Penn hung his head and groaned, running after her.
“Well, are you guys coming or not?” Penn asked. Ava looked over at Darron, daring him to say something.
At TJ’s Darron and Penn filled each other in on everything that went on the past couple months since they’d last seen each other. Since Darron purposely edged Ava out of the conversation, she focused on getting to know Jana better instead.
“Have any thoughts to where you want to go to college Ava?”
“You know, I really should have a better idea of where to go. My sister went to California for school but I don’t see myself on the west coast. I’m not even sure what I would study.”
“You still have time to think about it Ava, but you really should start thinking about it. Is there a subject in school you really like?”
“Honestly, I’ve always been able to keep good grades but haven’t ever been too interested in a certain subject. Before Penn I didn’t know anyone could be passionate about school at all.”
“Well, there’s me to blame for that. And his Father. He is definitely a perfect mix of the two of us. He’s known the name of all the best schools probably since birth, but don’t let that discourage you from finding somewhere. I’d love to help you. I know a lot of people in academia so would be happy to connect you if you’d like, when you know what you’re interested in. You just let me know Ava.”
“Seriously, thank you so much. Penn is so lucky to have a Mom like you.”
“Ah, I’m lucky to have a kid like him. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you parents do?”
“They’re both lawyers,” all Ava said shortly.

“Sure. That makes sense,” Darron smirked as he said it. Ava hadn’t realized Penn and Darron’s conversation had ended. Either way, something snapped inside of her at the sight of Darron’s once again judgemental face.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Ava asked, incredulous. Penn’s eyes widened, unsure of how to deal with the high tension.
“I don’t know, Ava, you tell me. Your bag looks like it cost my parent’s rent for the month.” Ava’s jaw dropped, money had never been a real problem between Penn and her. Why did Darron care so much?
Both Jana and Penn were at a loss for words, not wanting to take sides.
“It was a birthday gift. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t wear it with the intention of offending you.” Ava said slowly, trying to keep what little cool she had left.
“Yeah, I guess a rich snobby brat like you wouldn’t see it as offensive.”
“Are you really stereotyping me like this right now?”
“Am I expected to feel bad for you, Ava? My Mom works three jobs to keep food on the table while your parents probably have three vacation homes, and yet you’re completely ungrateful for it.”
“You can have the bag if you want it Darron. Here, take it.” Darron pushed it away, knocking over her water glass as well. Water poured off the tablecloth and into Ava’s lap, adding insult to injury.
“I don’t want your hand-me-downs Ava. I just want people like you to be a little grateful for the lucky hand you were dealt.”
“You know even know her, Darron.” Penn finally spoke up, but kept his eyes on the table as he tried to help mop up the mess.
“I know her enough Penn, and I don’t see why you’re still hanging around her.”
“I’ve done nothing to you, Darron, nothing for you to think I’m some kind of rich bitch who only hangs out with Penn to dangle my wealth in front of his face. I think Penn can judge for himself who he wants to hang out with.”
“You won’t last Ava. Once you get over whatever white girl depression you’re dealing with right now you’ll go back to your bitchy friends.”
“Maybe I won’t last Darron, you’re right, but there’s a lot worse people Penn could be hanging out with and I think it’s pretty sad you’re depriving him of that out of jealously.”
“I’m not jealous of you! I just know Penn can do better.”
Ava got up from the table, took a 100 bill out of her wallet and slammed it down on the table.
“I’ll pay for your lunch, you ass. Because thankfully these two wonderful people love you, and I am happy to pay for their meals. And maybe, if you were a little less of an asshole, I’d make sure to help your family out in whatever way I possibly could. But I’m a spoiled princess, and us rich people don’t give a shit about anyone but ourselves.”
Ava marched towards the door, Darron following her. Penn stopped him before he got to her.
“Darron, what the hell dude? I thought you would be cool with all this. Ava, I apologize for Darron, and I assume he will apologize to you as well when he stops being so stubborn. Ava, I’ll admit I judged you first by how you looked and it wasn’t right. This isn’t right either.”
Jana walked Ava outside to calm her down, “I’m making no excuses for Darron here Ava, but everything about you is well-polished, even when you aren’t trying to look any certain way. You’re also beautiful and well spoken, I think he’s very intimidated. Plus, he feels like he’s losing his friend to you.”
“I understand what he sees, and I know that I’m incredibly privileged. But having money doesn’t make my life perfect, it only makes it more complicated. It makes it much easier to cover up all of our family problems. So much that no one could possibly know anything we’re going through.”
Ava felt hot tears roll down her cheeks before she could stop them. She was so worked up she could hardly breathe. Deep down she knew Darron was a little bit right about things. She knew the jadedness she felt was due to realizing the world didn’t revolve around her and her circle of friends anymore, or ever. She could see the world was much bigger than her, and she was struggling to figure out how to be a part of it. Ava had just begun searching for reality when Penn found her.
Ava hadn’t noticed Jana leaving and instead found herself pulled into Penn’s chest, his arms wrapping tightly around her. He put his chin on her head and waited for her to calm down.
“I am so-”
“He’s right though Penn.”
“But not about you. Maybe how you were before, but not you now. He’s always had a temper, and he’s never liked girls getting close to me since the blowjob girl. He also doesn’t know anyone with a lot of money so stereotypes them pretty harshly.”
“Yeah. That makes sense. But Penn, I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I was given all of this, this, stuff. I was given so much, and people were given so little, and it doesn’t make sense. I didn’t ask for it. We all keep our yards perfect and our houses freshly painted, I don’t know anyone who actually needs anything. I want to help, you know? I’ve just been sheltered and told people are lazy and don’t deserve handouts. My parents really aren’t the best of people.”
“It’s okay, Ava. We’re all just figuring things out right now. I think you’ll both get along, eventually. Honestly, you two might be a little too much alike. He’s here for the weekend though and I-” Ava broke away from Penn quickly. She figured friends probably shouldn’t hold each other like that anyway.
“No, no I get it. I’ll let you two hang out, obviously. We both probably need time to cool off. I’ll leave you guys to it.”
“Ava you’re welcome to hang out with us still. Please don’t feel like you’re not invited. My mom loves you.”
“Another time, Penn. Tell Jana thank you again for everything. I’ll walk back to the school from here to get my car.”
“Are you sure? I can run you back.”
“Nah, it’s a beautiful day. I don’t mind.”
Penn gave her a long look then turned to join Jana and Darron. Ava took a deep breath and felt grateful for the sun, warm on her skin as she slowly walked back to the school. Soon, the air wouldn’t lose its chill in the afternoon and winter would settle in to slow the whole town down for months. She loved Westwood and had always thought it was a beautiful place to grow up. She remembered feeling like a princess as she and Jaclyn dressed up in their holiday best to drank hot cocoa together in their bay window, as snow fell in sheets. Though she was still excited for the holiday season, the sense of magic had long left her. Now she clearly saw where money was spent unnecessarily at overpriced boutiques, where Bentleys would soon turn the sparkling white snow brown. She arrived back at the school before she knew it, and, feeling the full weight of a very dramatic day, couldn’t wait to get into her room and shut the door on this day.

Chapter 12

Ava drove home with the radio turned off. She slowly turned onto her street and saw her neighborhood with fresh eyes. Each enormous and beautifully kept home, framed by impeccable landscaping, tried to outdo their neighbor. And her house was the obvious winner of them all. She had been brought up in greed, selfishness, and the desire to always have more. Ava felt ashamed of her way of life for the first time ever. She was used to being shamed by her father for nearly everything else, but for some reason, this felt worse. She wondered who her neighbors stepped on while climbing to the top in order to put a white picket fence around their yards and lives as a whole. She sat in the driveway afraid to go back into the house. She was already aware her parent’s marriage was a sham, but how could she face them knowing they had the power to help others and instead chose to help themselves?
Ava begrudgingly walked into her house to find her brother on the couch again playing video games. Her parents weren’t there, they must have gone into the office even though it was their day off. She walked in front of the TV and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Why don’t you get out of here? It’s a beautiful day. Go find a neighbor kid to play with.”
“I’m not seven anymore, Ava. I don’t just go out in the street and play anymore. You’re breaking my concentration, get out of the way.”
“Seriously Mac, I see you sitting here a lot lately. You used to play sports and do things all the time, what’s the deal?”
“Why do you care Ava? You’ve barely bothered to talk to me for the last three years.”
“What does that mean? I say hi to you every day.”
“Ava, please, move. I don’t want to talk to you about anything.”
“Mac, come on.”
“Come on with what? You stopped being interested in my life when you got to high school. At least Jaclyn still bothered to hang out with me and take me places. She still talks to me more than you do, even while away at school.”
“Well, I’m glad she still talks to someone in this family.”
“She misses you too, you know. And she’s not doing well out there, I can tell. She hasn’t said anything much but there’s is something serious going on.”
“Have you always been so observant?”
Ava sat down on the couch next to Mac. He placed the video controller on the coffee table and turned to her.
“No Ava, you’ve just always been wrapped up in your head. It’s not your fault, Jackie made sure she kept you busy so you wouldn’t notice anything going on. She couldn’t deal with it much at the end there though either.”
Ava looked down at her hands which had balled into nervous fists.
“You think Jackie was, protecting me?”
“I’m not saying she was the best role model or anything but I think she did what she could to distract you. Not always in the healthiest of ways.”
“When did you get so damn smart Mac?”
“Ah, I’ve always been the smartest one. Far less attractive than my sisters, unfortunately. But smarter nonetheless.”
Ava elbowed him in the arm.
“Want to go get ice cream with me? My treat.”
“You mean mom and dad’s credit card treat right? You still have yet to have a job.”
“You’re so right. I do plan to fix that soon. I should maybe do that before I go to college hunh?”
“If you don’t want the everyone to hate you for being overly privileged, yes. If you go to some rich school though, you’ll be better off not having had one.”
Ava nodded, wondering what college would be like. What she would be like.
“Do you think about how much money we have Mac? Does it bother you that we have all this and some people have nothing?”
“It’s not a burden we asked for, but we’re lucky. And hopefully we do better things with our money when we’re older. No one can choose their parents.”
“Yeah. I know. Sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to be, someone else, maybe. Anyways, let’s get going.”
Ava drove Mac downtown to their favorite ice cream spot, one they would go to all the time as kids. When they were younger their parents took them out often to what Ava assumed now was to show off their perfect family. Now, they just donate money and put their names on things to look like perfect people. Ava let Mac pick the music and was surprised with his love of the Beatles and Bob Dylan.
“When did you become such an old soul?”
“Some of my weird video game friends are nerds but they listen to some good stuff.”
“I’m starting to think the nerds really do know better than the rest of us in most areas.”
When they arrived at the ice cream shop Mac ordered his favorite, mint chip with oreo topping. Ava ordered coffee flavor with mixed in chocolate shavings. They took what used to be their both, right next to the storefront window where they could watch passersby. They watched as the sun began to set and the sky exploded into a mixture of brilliant blue, hot pink, and deep purple.
“So Mac, what do you think is going on with our parents?”
“With Mom and Dad? I think their marriage is dead in the water.”
“That simple, hunh?”
“Yep. I think they are trying to keep up with appearances so won’t pull the divorce trigger. But it’s not looking good.”
“God. I think I just told myself their silence was better than the fights they used to have. Their quiet whisper-shouts were worse than any screaming I’ve heard. I hoped they worked it out.”
They both sat there taking slow bites of their ice cream and thinking about their parents as the sunset slowly faded into dark blue sky,
“I know you are always up in your room to get away from it Ava, but part of why I sit on the couch all the time is to see if they’ll actually look at each other and have a real conversation. They talk news and politics, work and bills. But they don’t really talk.”
“I’m sorry Mac, I don’t mean to hide away but I can’t stand the tension. Or Dad judging me all the time. I’m sorry I haven’t been a very good big sister.”
Mac shrugged.“Jackie would come in and talk to me a lot at night. I miss her a lot.”
“Does she call you often?”
“Once a week she checks in on me.”
“I hate her sometimes. But I miss her more.”
“She’s afraid to call you.”
“I guess I’m afraid to call her too.”
“You shouldn’t be. I think she needs you.”
Ava looked down at her now empty cup, fiddled with her plastic spoon.
“I just need to not be close to her for awhile. She was always the strong one who was the spotlight of every room she was in. I wanted to be exactly like her. Now I just want to be me, and I don’t have a clue who that is.”
“When you figure it out, you should call her. Maybe it’s your turn to be the big sister.”
“I don’t know Mac, I think at this point you’re the one who has their shit together the most.”
Mac sheepishly grinned and shook his hair out of his eyes in the insecure way 13-year-old boys do. “Nah, I’m just a quiet kid who pays attention.”
“You should give yourself more credit.”
“So should you.”
Ava and Mac walked back to her car to drive home. Ava heard someone call her name as she sat down in the driver’s seat. She looked up to see Penn and Darron walking down the opposite side of the street. Darron looked at the ground to avoid eye contact with Ava as Penn crossed the street to meet her.
“Hey Ava. Is this your brother?” Before Ava could answer Penn leaned down and stuck his head through her driver’s side window to introduce himself.
“What are you guys up too?”
“Just finished some ice cream, about to head back home. What about you and Darron?”
“Oh we’re just walking around, checking out downtown. I wanted to show him around. I took him up to the Lookout, he loved it.”
“Did he know I showed it to him? He probably wouldn’t love it then.”
Penn laughed. “He feels bad now you know. He admitted he was out of line.”
Ava glanced at Darron who was still looking away and shuffling his feet around in awkwardness.
“Well, tell him no worries. He opened my eyes a bit to some things I need to start paying attention too.”
“Really? I’ll be sure to let him know you don’t hate him completely.”
“Yeah well, I’m going to get Mac home. You guys have fun.”
Ava turned on the ignition to go but Penn touched her arm, not wanting her to leave just yet.
“I uhm, I really appreciated you coming today. I know it was kind of a nightmare for you but I hope you know how glad I was that you showed up. It meant a lot to me that you met my Mom and Darron. However much of a dumbass Darron can be, it was great to have you all there for me.”
Ava was grateful Mac wasn’t paying attention but instead playing a game on his phone. She hadn’t expected Penn to get all sappy on her. She looked up into Penn’s annoyingly beautiful eyes and breathed out a huge sigh. If she wasn’t careful, she’d fall for him quickly.
“Thank you for inviting me to be there for you, it meant a lot to me too. But we’ve really got to get going.”
“Oh, yeah, same! I’m sure Darron is ready to go too. Mac, it was great to meet you! See you at school Monday, Ava!”
“See you on Monday Penn.” Ava waved and drove the car away from the curb as Penn crossed the street back to Darron. Darron nodded to her before walking down the street with Penn
“That guy seems really nice. Like maybe the first guy you or Jackie have ever dated that’s not a total douche.”
“We aren’t dating.”
“Oh yeah? The only girl I’ve ever looked at the way Penn looks at you is Kerri Webb. She’s the most beautiful creature to ever walk planet earth. I know when I look at her my eyes nearly melt off of my face.”
“You think he looks at me like that? No. He’s just got nice eyes.”
“No Ava. That guy is into you. Big time.”
“Now you’re being dumb and I take all the nice things I said about you back.”
“Ava, come on. He wants to date you.”
“We aren’t in fourth grade! He’s just a friend.”
“Yeah a friend with a huge crush on you.”
“Oh my god. Discussion over. Isn’t it past your bed time? That’s why you’re talking so crazy.”
“It’s 6:30!”
“Yep, time for beddy bye,” Ava mocked while she ruffled his hair.
Mac rolled his eyes and laughed. Ava decided to blast Beyonce on the way home, thinking Mac would hate it but couldn’t stop laughing when he knew every lyric. She couldn’t believe her little brother was growing up to be so wise and awesome. He would be in high school with her next year and she couldn’t wait to see the own path he forged for himself. He would make it all his own experience, and not care who thought what of him. She was more than proud to be his sister.

Chapter 13

On Monday, Ava could practically feel the cold chill roll off of her old “friends” shoulders as they brushed by her in the hallway, eyes focused straight ahead. She made eye contact with Wendy, who responded by flipping her hair over her shoulder and looking in the opposite direction.
“Is this a remake of Mean Girls or something? Too bad Linds isn’t as pretty as Rachel McAdams. Or as good of an actress,” Penn joked as he caught up with Ava in the hallway. He must have watched the whole scene play out from behind her. Ava just shook her head, one eyebrow raised as the girls proceeded down the hallway. She was also focusing on trying to surpress the fluttering feeling in her stomach she convinced herself had nothing to do with Penn.
“Where are you headed?” Ava asked him, hoping to change the subject.
“Oh God, don’t remind me. I’m off to chemistry with Mr. Barnsby. He’s the absolute most boring teacher on planet earth, making chemistry more difficult than it ever needs to be. I understand he most likely bores himself to death on a daily basis but he could try to make it a bit more interesting for the rest of us. Be a little more Walter White and little less old boring white dude.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard he’s bad. Jaclyn would complain about him all the time. Luckily, my grades are science grades have always been sub-par enough that I don’t have to take honors chem.”
“Lucky. I should have half-assed my other science courses to avoid this nonsense.”
The warning bell rang, sending Ava and Penn in opposite directions. Ava tried her best to pay attention to the lesson during Spanish class, but wrongly answered the very easy question asked by her teacher by speaking in the we form instead of the I form. Thankfully, she was surrounded mostly by sophomores who she didn’t know at all. The only girl she knew was on the JV volleyball team but they never bothered to say hi to one another. At the start of English class, Ava almost sat in her normal seat next to Wendy and Trish, forgetting for a second what happened this past weekend. They both glared at her before she had a chance to move away.
“Ava, come sit over here!” Penn pointed to the seat where the girl who always tried to flirt with him usually sat. Ava gratefully rushed over and sat down, feeling embarrassed.
“Yeah, your fuck buddy is the only person who wants to be anywhere near you anymore,” Trisha loudly said to Wendy who laughed maliciously.
“Excuse me?” Ava turned her entire body to face Trish. Part of her wanted to turn back to the Penn, ignore it, and act like nothing was said. But it was way harder to do that than she thought.
“You heard me bitch.” All of the class stopped mid-conversation and turned to look at Ava and Trish. Mr. Brewer was chatting at the front with another teacher before the final bell rang. He was clearly not paying attention.
“WHOA! What the hell Trish?” Ava shout-whispered to try to divert Trish from speaking so loudly.
“Don’t act like you haven’t slept with most of the athletes Ava. We all know why you’re moving onto the track team now. Too bad we didn’t get to Penn before you did, now none of us wants to touch him.”
Penn’s face turned bright red as he tried to form words to say anything in response. It was the first time Ava had ever seen him flustered. Ava was shaking but kept her cool for both Penn and her sake.
“Trisha, I will ask you once, very nicely. Keep his name out of your mouth.”
“I’m sure he’s in your mouth all of the time.” Wendy laughed obnoxiously.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Ava rose out of her chair, not sure what she was going to do but envisioned pulling on Trisha’s ponytail until it ripped off the back of her head.
Mr. Brewer ended his conversation as the bell rang where he looked up to find Ava, red-faced, standing up out of her chair.
“Girls, do we have a problem?”
Trish smiled, twirling her ponytail. “No sir, I don’t. It just seems that Ava can’t control her emotions today, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.”
Ava remained standing, now with fists clenched.
“Ms. Pierson, do you need to take a moment and return to class?”
She took a second to collect herself, breathed in a huge breath, and sat back down in her seat.
“No, I have no problem handling my emotions. I have a problem with Trish calling me a whore in front of my classmates.”
Mr. Brewer froze, it was clear he did not have much experience dealing with teenage girl fights. Trish looked over at Ava to give her the dirtiest look of all time.
“Girls, we really don’t have time for this behavior. Either get out of my class and go down to the office, or sit here and be quiet.
Neither Ava or Trish got up to leave and instead let the class proceed. Ava stared ahead seething for the entire class, even as Penn tried to catch her eye. She imagined how hard she could spike a ball at Trisha’s face during Volleyball practice. She also realized how miserable Volleyball would most be for her now since Trish and Wendy were the only girls she ever talked to. The other girls thought the three of them were too stuck up and annoying. Now Ava understood why.
The class went by slowly, which Ava was half grateful for since she didn’t want to have to talk to Penn about any of what just happened. She never wanted to bring him into the drama on Friday night in the first place. She wished she were home with her head into her pillow, Panda purring on top of her head for the rest of day, or maybe the rest of the year. However long it took for this thing to blow over. The bell rang without her realizing. She was shaken out of her day dream by Penn nudging her arm.
"Ava. Ava, are you here?”
“Crap, sorry. I was off day dreaming about somewhere, anywhere else.”
“You should talk to a counselor. You don’t have to deal with girls harassing you.” Penn always thought he had the answers.
“I don’t think bringing a counselor into this will make it any better.”
“Well, there’s got to be something we can do.”
“No Penn. You don’t need to do anything to help. I will not involve you in this, no matter how they try to drag you into it.”
“It’s not right, Ava. That’s twice you’ve been slut-shamed in the past three days. That’s not okay. It has to stop.”
“Penn, I have a feeling it’s only the beginning.”
They walked to the cafeteria and stood in line together to get food. Ava was incredibly grateful Penn was there with her. If it weren’t for him, this entire day would’ve been unbearable.
“What do they want? Seriously, what are they getting out of this?” Penn asked, looking over at the girls as they laughed in their direction.
“They are doing all the can to destroy any positive image anyone has ever had of me.”
“But, why? That makes no sense. If they don’t want to be your friend anymore, fine, then they should just leave you alone.”
“Penn, they have to bury me first.”
“Why? This is seriously ridiculous. It’s high school. This isn’t even real life, it’s four years of awkwardness until we all become respectable adults.”
“To you maybe. But to these girls, it’s everything. They will do anything to be on top. If they win in high school, they go on to college thinking they won, and they become adults, like my parents, who will continue to win, no matter who they have to step on. They think wealth and popularity is winning.”
“What world am I living in? I thought we were all on the same page; No one wins. Each of us struggle to find meaning.”
“Reality isn’t reality for most people at this school Penn. It’s never made much sense to me either, but I didn’t have much choice, or confidence, to question it until now. But those girls, they’ve created their own silent hell. They will always think they are better, that they work hardest while not working at all, and that they deserve everything handed to them, perfectly wrapped. But likely they’ll end up in loveless marriages where nothing they buy can fill their emptiness. No amount of things can take the place of the love and empathy they sold to be the best.”
“That was deep Ava, where did that come from?”
“I’m a product of people just like them. And Penn, please don’t feel like you have to fight for me. I can stand up for myself. Jackie used to do it for me, but I need to do this on my own. I’m done hiding behind others.”
“I know, Ava. But please know you’re not alone.”
Ava nodded, wishing she could drape her arms around him and let him hold her. Before Penn, she either wanted to be naked with a guy or not be near him at all. It was all or nothing. Now she wished she could be with Penn anywhere and everywhere, clothes fully on. It fully scared her. They decided to eat at a table in the other area of the lunch room, far out of eyesight from Trish and Linds.
“How was the rest of hanging out with Darron?”
“So good. I still wish you two would’ve gotten along better but I should’ve seen that coming. It was great to have him around. We make the dumbest jokes and don’t do much but walk around and eat shitty takeout but it’s always the best time.”
Ava smiled, she used to feel that way with her sister. They could do nearly nothing together and still have the best day.
“So… I heard you have a volleyball game this weekend?”
“Yeah. I’m dreading practice for the rest of the season, but it’s almost over. If we win this game we will go onto districts, but there’s no chance we’ll win. Our team really sucks this year. I’m glad we won state last year but it won’t happen again for a while. Really, if we lose as expected this weekend, the season is over.” Ava was very relieved to discover this.
“Hey, you guys could win though!”
“Nah, but I appreciate the optimism. It’s going to be a mess with Trish and Wendy trying to sabatoge me on top of everything.”
“You think they’ll do that during the game?”
“I wouldn’t put it past them.”
“Yeah, I really wouldn’t either. They are horrible.”
The lunch bell rang and Ava heaved a huge sigh, not wanting school to end today. She wished for a miracle snow storm to close down the school and cancel practice. She checked the sky out of the window, the sky was completely clear.
“Good luck at practice Ava, please call me if it gets too bad.”
“Thanks Penn, but don’t worry about me.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!” He half-joked as he walked off to class, but Ava could tell he really wanted to make sure she was okay.

Chapter 14

Practice was every bit as horrible as Ava thought it would be, if not worse. Trish and Wendy spent the entire two hours whispering insults under their breath as they passed her. Each time it was a more ridiculous version of whore than the next. Ava took it out on the ball, making sure each serve crossed over the net perfectly. Her coach caught her after practice.
“Ava I haven’t seen you play that well since your sister was still on the team! Hope you can bring that on Saturday.”
“Oh coach, I’m sure I can bring it again.” Ava was sure Trish and Wendy would have time to come up with more detailed insults by then. Ava was half expecting to find her school clothes soaked in piss in the toilet when she got to the locker room but thankfully found them still untouched sitting in her locker. Wendy and Trish seemed too preoccupied with their phones to say another word to her, but scoffed as she walked past them to leave. Ava had to admit to herself that though she was sick of both of their comments she was grateful she hadn’t had to deal with Linds at all today. Their schedules were completely opposite, so really the only time she would see her was during lunch which Penn helped her to avoid.
Ava walked out to her car and fumbled around her bag trying to locate her keys. She didn’t notice the giant penis painted across her windshield until a guy drove by in the parking lot and shouted, “You have a huge dick!”
Ava looked up at her car, mortified.
“Ughhhhh COME ON!” Ava shouted and kicked her tire, stubbing her toe in the process. She jumped into her car and turned the wipers on to try to get the paint off, hoping it was just window paint. It wasn’t.
“SHIT!” She screamed loudly. She almost called Penn to try to help her scrape it off but decided to bare the embarrassment of the penis and drive home. She was so done for the day. On the way home she was honked at, laughed at, and harassed but she felt so numb to the whole thing she didn’t bother to react. As she parked in the driveway she noticed her brother sitting on the porch steps.

“You’ve got a huge sphonz on your car.” Was the first thing Mac said to her.
“Do I? Oh, Is that what that is?” She playfully pushed her brothers head and sat down next to him.
“A razor blade and glass cleaner.”
“What?”
“To get that dick off your car. Dad caught my friends and I paint a similar design on Mr. Garrison’s Bentley last summer. Dad made sure each of us spent the entire night cleaning it off. Like literally, until the sun came up.”
“Well, Mr. Garrison is a dick, so it’s fitting. I’m not sure if I’m more surprised you didn’t cut your fingers off or that Dad was around to catch you doing something.”
“Yeah, bad coincidence. He was coming home super late from work and happened to shine his headlights on us. Not my best night.”
“Yikes. I thought you were the good one in the family.”
“Usually, but I get bored. So what’s going on? Why the penis?”
“Girls being bitches.”
“Heard that. You going to be okay?”
“I think so. It’s going to be rough for a while, but I think things are going to turn out better than they were.”
“I think they will too. Did you talk to Penn today?”
“Yep. We ate lunch together and have a class together too.”
“Has he said anything about liking you yet?”
“Oh my god. Drop it. Or I’ll find that girl you like and tell her.”
“I’ve told her! She’s not into it. But she knows I’m here for her when those other guys don’t work out.”
“She’s an idiot.”
“No, she’s perfect. I’ll get the penis off the car if you’ll take me to a friends house later.”
“Deal.” They shook on it and Ava got up to enter the house.
“They just got into it big time, so you know.”
“How do you even know? It always seems like they are pissed at each other these days.”
“Nah, you’ll see.”
Ava walked in and found her mom sitting at the island, looking at a newspaper but not moving her eyes at. Her dad sat at the kitchen table, looking through a file folder, his free hand rubbing over his head and neck.
“Hey, guys.” Ava said, trying to break the awkward silence.
“Hi, Ava.” her mom answered, not looking away from the paper. Her father just nodded at her, not even bothering to look up.
Cool guys, Ava thought. And so typical. She grabbed Panda from her snooze on the couch to bring her up to her bedroom to cuddle. Ava was surprised her Dad didn’t notice the cat. Mac was right, it must have been a bad one.
Ava must’ve fallen asleep for a few hours and woke up to her brother knocking on her door. Panda jumped off the bed to mow back at him, wanting out of the bedroom.
“Arghhh. I’m coming,” Ava said as she rolled off her bed. She put on her uggs and a sweatshirt while throwing her hair up in a quick top knot.
“Looking good sis,” Mac joked as they walked down the stairs together. Ava saw her parents had gone out for the night.
“Where do you think they went off too?” Ava asked
“Honestly Ave? I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them is having an affair. My bet’s on Dad. But we can dream they went on a romantic dinner date that made them decide to like each other again. Or for the first time.”
“Well, that’s just fucking depressing. But you probably aren’t far off.”
Ava side hugged her brother. They walked outside to get into what was now a penis-free car.
“Thanks for getting the dick off. Did Mom or Dad ask about it?”
“Mom raised her eyebrow, Dad was looking at his phone when he came out. Don’t think they will ask about it.”
Ava drove Mac across town to drop him off at his friend’s house and made sure he had a ride home later. She waved goodbye to him as he ran up the driveway, and decided to stop into town to grab a chai latte. She found a great spot on the street right next to Comet Coffee. She went in to order her chai and found the shop basically deserted for the night, the college crowd must have come and gone for the evening. She chose a spot in the corner, in her favorite comfy chair, and opened A Handmaid’s Tale, their newest assignment for Mr. Brewer’s class. Without the distraction of her dysfunctional parents, Ava found herself completely immersed in the novel. She felt part of Offred’s story and was turning the pages quickly in anticipation of how it would all end. She had never cared much for most of the books they’d read in her English courses thus far, but this was captivating.
“Miss, we are closing for the evening.”
Ava snapped the book shut and looked at her phone to see the time. It was close to 10:00.
“Oh god, sorry! I had no idea it had gotten so late.”
Ava hopped up from the chair and ran out to her car. A piece of paper was tucked into one of her windshield wipers. Rolling her eyes at she figured was Trish or Linds leaving her some terrible note, she stuck it into her book and got into her car, heading for home.
Her mom had returned, but she didn’t look right, her usual cool demeanor was off. She slumped over the island, a hand on her forehead, in an oversized robe Ava had only seen her wear once before.
“Everything all right Mom? You don’t-”
“It’s your sister Ava. She’s been kicked out of college for drug possession paired with failing grades.”
“What! Is she alright? What kind of drugs? She’s failed out?” Ava couldn’t stop her brain from jumping to all sorts of conclusions, each one worse than the next.
“Ava, you can ask her these questions.She’s coming home for awhile. Your father went to the airport to get her.”
“So she’s.. she’s.. going to live here again?”
“Well yes, this is still her home.”
“Yeah, of course. Of course, it is. Does Mac know?”
“He’s in bed sleeping, I didn’t want to wake him up.”
“Right. I thought you said she was doing well in school?” Ava realized her Mom was just as clueless when it came to her kids and what they were up to as she always was. She didn’t know why she was surprised now.
“Ava, I thought she was. When she called she told me things were going great for her. I assume now she was lying. I know this will be awkward for the two of you but I’m hoping you make up quick.”
“Yeah. Maybe. Well, I guess I’ll see you all in the morning then.”
“Goodnight Ava.”
Ava ran up to her room and threw herself on her bed. She didn’t want to wake up in the morning. The idea of having to confront her sister and the pain she’d caused was daunting. This day officially felt like one of the longest in history, and it didn’t look like tomorrow was going to be much better.

Chapter 15

Ava was abruptly awakened by her alarm which she had stupidly laid under her pillow. She threw it across the room and groaned. There was no part of today she was excited for. Not seeing her sister, not going to school, not dealing with the girls at volleyball practive. She didn’t even think Penn would be able to cheer her up much today. Ava threw her blanket over her head and hoped she could fake sick for the rest of the week. This was a poor plan, she quickly realized, since she’d be stuck in the same house with her sister all day. She quickly jumped out of bed at the thought.
Ava peeked her head out into the hallway, wondering if her sister would be up yet. She saw that Jackie’s door was closed and the house was dead quiet. Her parents must have gone to work early and Mac had already left with the neighborhood carpool for school. She ran down the hallway to the bathroom hoping she could avoid Jackie.
Jaclyn caught her right as she was about to close the bathroom door.
“Hey, sis! Aren’t you going to give me a hug?”
Ava turned and stared blankly at her, wondering if the past 8 months of silence meant anything to her at all. As Jaclyn moved closer Ava noticed her sister had shrunk in size, clothes bagging around what used to be generous curves. The infamous Jackie was now a shadow of her former self. Her eyes were sunken, rimmed by dark blue circles. Her once thick hair was now on top of her head in a thin top knot.
“Jackie, what the hell did you do to yourself?”
Jaclyn stopped in her tracks, immediately covering her chest self consciously. She looked as if she were going break into a thousand pieces. Or maybe she already had.
“I don’t know what you mean, Ava. I just lost a couple of pounds. I didn’t like the dining hall food too much.”
“Oh Jaclyn cut the bullshit!” Ava cried. “You would have called me out in a heartbeat and made me tell you what was going on. What’s going on with you? Drugs? Eating disorder? What is it?”
“Ava, I don’t know who the hell you think you are attacking me like this. I only wanted a god damn hug, not a lecture. I’ve had enough of those this week, thank you.”
“Well, Jacks I don’t know why you thought I would embrace you with open arms when we haven’t exactly been on speaking terms lately. With not much effort on your part to fix it, might I add? And you come home looking like a crack addict after being kicked out of college after only, what, 3 months? I don’t know what you expected from me but I don’t want to talk to you until you apologize to me.”
“Apologize to you for what, exactly, Ava? For growing up and getting a boyfriend I actually want to hang around with outside of you? For trying to get away from this stupid town? For wanting to not be around our fucked up family for a bit? I’m sorry, but I can’t apologize for that. I took good care of you for years before now, and perfect, beautiful little Ava was sheltered from a whole lot of shit you that still don’t know happened. I needed a break from being not only your sister but from being myself. I didn’t want to glue the pieces together anymore for this family.”
“Well, it looks like that has turned out great for you, Jacklyn.”
“You ungrateful bitch.”
“Yep, that’s me! You should call up your girls Linds and Trish, it sounds like you are all on the same fucking page!”
Ava slammed the bathroom door, locked it, and turned on the hot water. She cried as she showered, adding salt water to the stream running into the drain. She knew her sister had thought she was doing the best she could by everyone, but she was just making shit up as she went. While Jaclyn was trying to fix up their clearly unfixable family, she herself felt apart. Ava was upset with herself for not figuring it out sooner before her sister turned into this emaciated version of herself.

She turned off the shower and dried off, stepping onto the heavenly heated floors. She opened the door to find Jaclyn’s door shut, the house quiet once more. Ava got ready for school quietly and left the house without saying another word to Jaclyn.
The concerning confrontation made Ava late for class, she didn’t see Penn in the hallway like she usually did. She was a disappointed but overall distracted with thoughts of her sister. Through the morning she attended classes in a complete daze, wondering where the hell things were headed next. She was so distracted she didn’t even notice the stares of disgust coming from Linds, Trish, and Wendy in the hall between classes.
When Ava arrived in English class she sat down in her usual seat next to Penn. She opened up her book, finding the piece of paper left on her car from the night before. It read:
“Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it yet.” - L.M. Montgomery
Ava wasn’t quite sure what to think of it, she looked up to see Penn looking at her, smiling from his chair, clearly happy she had received his note.
"What the hell is this mean Penn?” Ava asked, agitated. This day was the farthest thing from fresh.
Penn’s smile slid from his face as he watched her throw the paper into her bag.
“Are you okay Ava?” Penn searched her face, very concerned.
“Does it look like I’m okay, Penn?” Ava’s eyes brimmed with angry tears. She wasn’t sure why this moment was the one she chose to lose it, but here seh was. Maybe it was something about this English class that brought out a different side of her.
“No, Penn.” She whispered so Wendy and Trish couldn’t hear her. “I’m not fucking okay. It’s not okay that you leave little notes on my car and say sweet things to me and treat me like you care about me as more than friends when you say that will never happen. It’s not okay that your best friend thinks I’m a psycho and your mother is a better parent than both of mine combined. It’s not okay that I really like you. Like REALLY like you, and think about you all of the time and have to hold that shit in. I’m NOT okay. ”
She realized the whole class turned to look at them as she said the last part loudly.
“Where the hell was Mr. Brewer when you needed him?” Ava said under her breath. Tears were already streaming down her face. She wanted to die from embarrassment at freaking out at Penn with the whole class watching. Trisha decided to chime in at that moment.
“You forgot to say you’re a giant whore with no friends, too.”
This is the moment Mr. Brewer walked in, just in time to hear Trish’s comment. While Ava wanted to stay and see what happened, she took this as her moment to escape. She ran right by the furious Mr. Brewer, through the empty way hallways, out into the cold air to her car, and floored it to the Lookout.
She parked her car at the top of the hill, heater running. She watched the town through her windshield go on without her below. She sat there for what seemed like hours, wondering how shit got so mixed up. Her sister, her horrible friends, her family. And oh god, Penn. What was she thinking? She didn’t know how to fix it. She wasn’t sure if she even could.
When she strong enough to go home, she heard a car pull up behind her. Terrified someone was going to murder her, or worse, see her crying, she put her car in reverse to leave. She looked behind her to see Penn getting out of a car. He waved at the driver, who she didn’t recognize, and walked up to Ava’s passenger window. He knocked lightly on the glass.
“What are you doing here Penn? Come to hear me harass you some more?”
“Ava, be quiet and let me in. It’s freezing out here.”
“What do you mean, be quiet? Is this you being mean?” She unlocked the door.
Penn got into her car and moved his body close to hers until their noses were nearly touching.
“Uhhh, what are you doing Penn?”
“I thought I told you to be quiet.”
“Look Penn, this is fucking weird. I seriously just embarrassed myself in front of you, and everyone, but mainly you. And I don’t know what you’re doing right now, but it’s weir-.”
Penn put his hand on the back of her head and neck, bridging the gap between them. He touched his lips to hers, waiting for her to reply. She placed her hand on the back of his head, answering him. His mouth was soft on hers, kisses sweet at first, but soon all they could taste were each other, the sweet, the salty, the combination of tastes only the two of them could create. Ava wasn’t quite sure how long they stayed there, wrapped around one another, but she couldn’t get herself to pull away. She didn’t notice the extra saltiness and wetness coming from her tears unti; Penn gently pulled her mouth away from his.
“Ava. Ava, what is going on? Please tell me. Did I mess up? I know we both agreed to stay friends but I thought this is what you wanted. I’m sorry, please just tell me.”
Ava sighed, knowing it was about to spill out because Penn had that odd effect on her, and this day was a full emotional rollercoaster. Hysterically, but the best she could, Ava let it out.
“Jaclyn is home. She got into something really bad out there, I can’t believe how sick she is. My parents hate each other and my Dad has never told any of us he loves us, and I really don’t believe he does. You’re my only friend and I’m afraid if we don’t work out, I’ll have no one. Besides my brother who is the only person I know, other than you, who has his shit together. And he’s four years younger than me.”
Penn brought her to his chest and held her.
“Do you want to stay at my house tonight? Not in my bed or anything like that, but we’ve got a guest bedroom and my mom is really good at being a mom.”
Ava buried herself in his chest, breathing in the smell of fresh laundry and boy. She looked up at him and smiled for the first time that day.
“That sounds perfect.”
Penn kissed her on the forehead. He offered to drive them home since she seemed pretty over the day. Ava was so emotionally drained she agreed. She wasn’t sure what to make of her and Penn. She didn’t want to make sense of them. She wanted to wrap herself around him and hide until this all blew over. But she knew he wouldn’t let her hide, he’d encourage her to face it. He really was too good of a friend.

Chapter 16

Jana was talking on her cellphone in the kitchen, laughing loudly and speaking in the warm, engaging way she did as Penn and Ava arrived. Ava’s stomach growled at the rich scent of roast cooking in the oven. Jana looked as beautiful as ever even in a pair of jeans and plain t-shirt. Penn kissed his mom on the cheek and Ava gave a small wave as they headed to the back of the house, to Penn’s room.
Ava had never been inside the house before, and while it looked small from the outside, the inside was an open concept and fully inviting. Their home was beautifully but simply decorated, a true reflection of the two of them. As Ava walked through their home she took note of the expert use of color, walls painted in deep blues, bright berry accented by warm neutrals. When they got to the back of the house she knew she was in Penn territory. His room was painted a deep sea blue, almost an exact match to his eye color. An entire wall was made into a small library, some books brand new, some with the binding barely holding the pages together, each on topics Ava knew nothing about. Another wall was covered in hand-painted quotes, Jana’s contribution to his room, from Penn’s favorite historical and literary heroes. His bed was a queen and took up the opposite wall from the bookshelf. Though not perfectly made, he had made an effort to throw the blankets back on the bed before he went to school this morning. His desk, on the smallest wall, housed his iMac and the current books he was reading.
Ava put her bags down and walked quietly around his room, observing. She ran her hand across the spines of his books, paused to read each quote on the wall and it’s author. She thought about her room at home, always messy, with plain walls covered only by photographs. Photos of people she couldn’t even call her friends anymore. She felt her current painful transition fully in this moment, where Penn was nuanced and already very mature, she was only beginning to discover herself as an individual. And while it felt scary, she was wondering when her passions would spill out of her and out onto her walls.

Penn came over to stand next to her, draped his arms around her shoulders.
“I’ll let you have my bed tonight and I’ll take the guest room. My bed is much comfier so I want you to have it, don’t worry, I’ll change my sheets first. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need too. My mom has always wanted a daughter, so don’t feel like your intruding. Seriously.”
Ava smiled, not quite sure what to say. She wished to hide here forever, away from everyone but Penn and Jana. If she could, she’d bring Mac here so they could start over with a family that cares. But her messed up family was hers, and she would have to face them sooner, rather than later.
Jana walked in and threw her arms around the two of them.
“Ava, so glad to have you! Penn let me know you were having some troubles at home so please, anything you need, let us know. My home is your home! I got so excited you were coming I put a giant roast in the oven. I’m talking giant. Like it could feed 10 people instead of 3. I got so carried away, but I hope you like roasts. Can you I show you this new chair I bought in the living room? I can’t decide if I like it and Penn rolls his eyes at me when I ask him his opinion.”
“I’d love to Ms.-”
“Nope. I’m Jana. Call me Jana. I don’t like to feel like I’m at school teaching. It’s mom or Jana around here.”
Ava smiled widely and followed Jana out to the living room. Penn rolled his eyes and sat down at his desk, diving into a project and letting the girls do their thing. Jana and Ava ended up talking all night in the living room. A conversation about the new chair turned into a conversation about paint color which kept evolving until the two of them realized how late it was getting. Penn only came out of his room to eat, and when he did was so wrapped up in his thoughts he didn’t say a word. He knew he couldn’t get a word in edgewise with Ava and Jana talking anyways.
“Ah, you need to get some sleep! Well, I do too. I’ve got some hungover students to teach tomorrow. Let me change the sheets for you, Ava, and get Penn a set as well. I love having you here! I know you need to go home eventually, but, I love having another girl around here. No offense to Penn, I love him, but he smells sometimes.”
Ava burst out laughing. Penn came out to see what all the fuss was about. Jana wouldn’t say, she instead kissed him on the cheek and headed to her own bedroom. Penn and Ava were left alone again together, and for the first time, it felt awkward.

“I uh, I feel embarrassed for kissing you today. I know now it wasn’t just me upsetting you and you have a lot going on. I, of course, care about you a lot. I just don’t want to rush us into anything we aren’t ready for. You’re dealing with a lot and I just feel like what you need is a friend.”
Ava stopped herself from rolling her eyes. While she agreed, she didn’t want to hear the friendship speel again.
“Don’t feel embarrassed, it was a damn good kiss. But I think you’re right. I’m running from a lot right now. I need to face some things and figure out myself before we can ever become a thing if we do become a thing. Still, know, I do think about you even though I wish I didn’t.”
Penn nodded and smiled. He hesitated as if to kiss her on goodnight but left the room with a “Goodnight” instead. Ava curled up in his bed, half wishing he were there beside her to hold her. Noble Penn, she thought, always doing the right thing for everybody. He wasn’t perfect Penn though, she thought, he was the one who had kissed her earlier today.
…
The rest of the week, Ava decided to stay with Penn and Jana. While she wanted to go back home, she hadn’t worked up the courage to do so yet. The girls at school were still incredibly rude, but Ava was starting to care a whole lot less. Penn and she stuck together, discussing everything under the sun when they got a chance while in the halls, during English class, and at lunch. Ava continued to go to volleyball practice for what she sincerely hoped was the last game of the season this Saturday. Jana made sure Ava called her Mom to tell her where she was staying for the week. While her mom was annoyed, it seemed like she was too stressed dealing with Jacklyn to care. Ava doubted anyone would remember to come to her Saturday game, and she hoped she was right.
Saturday arrived too fast; a horrible, freezing day with heavy sheets of sleet drowning the town. Ava tried to stay in Penn’s bed sleeping but Penn made her get up and ready. The two of them didn’t actually spend much time together while she stayed at his house. Ava stayed up talking most nights to Jana while Penn studied. They worked on their English homework together one night, but it was strictly English related. The two of them didn’t speak any more about the kiss and they quickly reverted back to friends.
As the volleyball teams warmed up, Ava nervously looked around to see if anyone from her family was there. Thankfully, she just saw Jana and Penn, waving at her from the stands. While she should have been nervous, she felt indifferent. She didn’t feel much team spirit with Trish and Wendy glaring at her from the opposite side of the stretch circle.
Though the other team was nearly unstoppable, Ava was at the top of her game. Every serve she delivered landed in an undefended space on the opposite side of the net. When the ball came her way, she didn’t miss it. She set up her teammates perfectly and spiked the ball consistently. If it weren’t for her, the other team would’ve annihilated them.
During a huddle before the third game, she saw her sister and Mac make their way up the stands. Her stomach lurched at the sight of Jaclyn. If she wasn’t carrying the team she would’ve headed for the nearest exit. It threw her off enough to lose focus, ultimately leading to the other team’s victory. Her coach hugged her after the game to thank her for doing the best she could.
“We knew this year was going to be tough after losing your sister. I see that she’s here, wish we could’ve snuck her on the court somehow. Thank you for kicking ass today Ava. It’s a joy to coach you and to have on this team, I hope you know. I’d like to offer you captain next year if you’d like. The only reason you weren’t this year is because Melissa would’ve thrown a fit, even though she didn’t deserve it.”
Melissa was the only senior, and never had been very good at Volleyball. Ava started to tear up and gave her coach another hug so she wouldn’t see her cry.
“I’d love too. Really.”
“Fantastic. I’ll announce it when we meet for the first time next year. I’ve gotta let Melissa enjoy what’s left of her reign. I’ve heard the new freshmen class has some awesome players!”
The team gathered around in a circle, where Coach said a few sweet things about the team and thanked them all for working hard this season. They did one last chant and headed off to the stands. Ava grabbed her bag and walked to Penn and Jana first, avoiding Jaclyn while she still could.
“Great game! You look damn good in those shorts!” Jana said with her usual perkiness.
Penn laughed out loud, “She’s not wrong.” Jana hit him in the upper arm. “Glad you’re done now?”
“Yes, you don’t even know. I uhm, my sister is here, so uh, if you guys would like to go I’ll let you know if I’ll be over tonight.”
“Oh- oh okay! Just know I bought a whole tub of fudge cookie dough ice cream and Penn and I are going to have a movie marathon tonight.”
Penn glared at his mother.
“Oh, but I hope you work things out with your family!”
Penn shook his head, gave her a hug and looked over at Mac to wave him goodbye. He turned before he reached the bottom of the bleachers.
“I’ll see you on Monday, Ava. You were awesome today, please let me know if you need anything. I’m proud of you for going home.”

Chapter 17

Ava approached Jaclyn and Mac slowly, looking anywhere but Jackie.
“Mom and Dad couldn’t make it, hunh?” Ava asked, not surprised in the slightest.
“Yeah, well, Mac and I wanted to talk to you about what happened this week. Well, Mac suggested we take you out for dinner and talk about it,” Jackie said, staring down at the gym floor.
Ava nodded, wondering what in the world they were being so evasive about.
“Good game, sis, you were awesome! Too bad the rest of the team sucks!” Ava almost told Mac that wasn’t true, but, she couldn’t lie about it.

“Shhhh… they know how bad they are you don’t have to say it out loud.” Ava smiled at Mac.
“So, Jackie and I were thinking Maple’s, but you’re the girl done carrying your team for the season! Ultimately, it’s your pick.”
“Maple’s, that’s fancy. Who’s paying?”
“The parents, of course,” Jackie held up her father’s credit card and looked mischievously at Ava.

…
The three of them piled into Jackie’s two-seater convertible. Ava had never understood why she insisted on driving this ridiculously uncomfortable vehicle. With the top up, their heads brushed against the soft ceiling, making the drive even more awkward and claustrophobic. Mac tried to make small talk and engage both Jackie and Ava in conversation, but it wasn’t successful. They ended up sitting in silence for most of the drive.
Ava felt silly going to Maple’s in her sweaty volleyball uniform, but that wasn’t about to stop her from eating her favorite filet with brandy cream sauce. Plus, the owner of Maple’s, Tina, loved the Pierson’s was always ecstatic to see them. As soon as they walked into the entryway Tina dropped what she was doing and ran up to embrace all three of them together. While it was cute when they were little, it was a bit too close for comfort now.
“Jackie, you’re home! It’s so good to see you guys all together! Where’s your parents? Do you want the usual table? It just opened up. I’ll make sure I get Rachel to serve you three! How was the game?”
Tina was always incredibly animated and welcoming, wanting all of her guests to feel at home in her restaurant. Though the prices were high, her goal was to make everyone feel like royalty when the dined with her. Jackie answered all of her questions and caught her up on the college experience. Tina walked them to their table as Jackie skimmed over the fact that she was officially a college drop out.
“Well, I hope everything is going wonderfully for all of you. Please let your parents know I miss them and hope they come in soon! I used to see you guys at least twice a month, it’s been months since any of you have come to see me. All of my love to you guys!”
They sat quietly for a few minutes, looking at their menus as if they all didn’t already know what they wanted. Not a single menu item had changed since their family began frequenting Maple’s 15 years ago. Ava broke the silence first.
“What’s the deal, you guys? Where are mom and dad tonight? I’m not super surprised they missed yet another of my games, but the two of you are acting funny. Obviously, something is up.”
Mac and Jackie looked at each other, not sure who should speak first. Mac figured he should take one for the team.
“Well, uh, the night after you disappeared- wherever you were- mom and dad had maybe the worst fight they’ve ever had,” Mac said bluntly.
“Meaning what, they actually yelled instead of harshly whispered at each other?”
“No, like, Mom found something on Dad’s phone.”
“What do you mean, found something on Dad’s phone?” Ava asked.
Ava was sincerely worried but knew she shouldn’t be overly surprised if her father was having an affair. It wasn’t like he had shown sincere love for her mom, well, ever.
Mac and Jackie looked down at the table, not sure how to proceed. Jackie must have figured it was time for the ball to drop.
“Dad got his girlfriend pregnant,” Jackie said, not blinking an eye.
Rachel, the server, appeared at that moment to take their orders. As experienced as she was she could immediately tell she’d entered dangerous territory. She quickly took their menus after jotting down their orders and nearly ran away to leave them to talk.
“Dad did what?!?” Ava asked as soon as Rachel was out of earshot.
“Ave, don’t be naive, we all knew Dad probably was screwing someone, if not multiple someones. We just figured he’d be smart about it, and for a while there, he was,” Jackie said in a matter-of-factly tone.
“Okay, so Dad got someone pregnant. I’m not sure how to feel about this. Is this girl, lady, keeping it? How much do you guys know?”
“She’s eight months pregnant, apparently, and it sounds like Dad plans on being a real dad this time around.”
“You’re kidding, right? Like he’s going to give more than financial support?”
“Like he’s had a plan to leave mom, and us, for a while now but mom finding the texts on his phone finally spurred him to confess.”
Ava sat there, motionless, trying to process the crumbling of her family as she knew it. Not that much was left intact, anyway. Mac decided to break the final crushing news to Ava.
“Ave, he moved out yesterday. Completely emptied his closet and left. He gave us the address of his new home with his girlfriend and told us to come by if we needed anything. He just left, like he was going to work or to the cleaners. I’ve never seen Mom’s cool expression crumble in that way. She was crushed. I’ve never seen her look anything but collected,” Jackie was looking at Ava to see if she could hug her but Ava drew her arms to cover her chest.
“So, what does this mean? Do you think everyone in town knows? Will we have to move? How is Mom even functioning?”
“I made Mom take some vacation time, she has a lot saved up from over the years. I mean, I can’t even remember the last time she took a day off. Do you?”
Ava shook her head and stared at the glass of water in front of her, beading with sweat on the sides as the ice cubes melted, about to flow over if she didn’t take a drink soon. She couldn’t grasp what this change meant for her, but she wasn’t overall surprised by any of it. Her family never felt quite like a family. It felt like five people moving by each other, passing the dressing down the table or sitting across the room from one another behind a newspaper or a book. Even when Ava and Jaclyn were close, the house always felt divided. As if the children and parents were living on completely separate plains. Penn and his mom felt more like a family than hers ever had. Where the Mathew’s home was warm, loving, inviting, theirs had always been frigid, devoid of color, closed off.
They sat quietly for a bit, surveying the restaurant, recognizing a few of their parent’s friends. Ava wondered when the story would get out. When their nosey desperate housewife neighbor Jenna would notice their dad’s car missing for longer than a normal business trip. And her mother, a woman who always looked like she had the world under control, would she let this pain show? Or would she stuff it down further, thickening the protective shield she seemed to always be hiding behind.
Rachel appeared back at the table, carrying their food on a tray. She set the food down on the stand and quietly placed each of their plates, sensing the mood was not a very happy one.
“If I can get any of you anything, let me know, okay? I’ll leave you all to enjoy.”
They politely smiled, just as they were told to do at dinner under their parent’s strict rules. Mac made the connection first.
Mimicking his father he said, “We don’t want our children throwing food around and rudely ignoring the server. You speak politely, keep your space clean, and always smile politely. Especially in public. Understood?” It was almost a perfect imitation of their father’s threatening, deep voice.
Ava and Jackie couldn’t help themselves but burst out laughing.
“I think he continued to say that even when we got to high school Ave. I hate to say it, and I hope I’m not alone in this, but our Dad is truly an asshole.”
Mac and Ava looked at each other, thinking maybe, maybe they should defend him.
“Well, he did always hand over the credit card freely,” Ava said.
“Yes, out of fear we might tell him something personal or ruin his reputation somehow,” said Jackie.
“I’m curious Jackie, what did he say to you exactly when he found out you were coming home?”
“Barely a word, but the vein in his head was throbbing when they picked me up from the airport. Mom hugged me, which is rare for her, but Dad just nodded, grabbed my bag and started walking towards the parking lot. Part of me thinks he left his phone out on purpose for her to see. He’s too smart for that, and I think this was his perfect way out.”
“What a guy. What a Dad,” Mac said.
Both Ava and Jackie leaned over at the same time to hug Mac, knowing that he was the real softie of three of them. He always had the biggest heart that never seemed to harden, no matter how cold and unloving his parents could be. Ava and Jackie couldn’t say the same for themselves.
After they finished eating, Jackie paid the bill with their father’s card, they said goodbye to Lisa, and headed back out to the tiny convertible. It finally felt less tense between the three of them. It almost felt like it used too.
“Mac, do you still want to go over to your friend’s house tonight? It’s getting kind of late.” Jackie said.
“Whoa! Okay, Mom with the curfew. Yes, it creeps me out being home right now, I’d like to go anywhere but there please.”
Jackie turned up her music, some DJ Ava had never heard of before that she’d probably discovered in college. After she dropped Mac off she turned the music down and kept the car in park in front of Mac’s friend’s house.
“Ava, can we please talk? I miss you, so much. Mac won’t tell me anything going on with you. He says we have to talk it out ourselves.”
“I don’t know if it’s the best idea, Jackie. I feel like, well I thought like, I was figuring some things out without you figuring it out for me for the first time. And it felt really fucking good.”
“I just want to listen and hear what’s new with you. There won’t be any drugs, no alcohol, no boys, no other girls. Just you and me. When’s the last time we did that?”
“It’s been a couple years, that’s for sure,” Ava said, sighing deeply and looking out the side window, not really looking at anything.
“Can we go to the Lookout? Please?” Jackie nearly begged.
Ava looked up at the sky for answers but almost smacked her head on the stupid car ceiling.
“Fine, under one condition, put the top down on this stupid thing. It’s done raining and I can’t stand being this cramped.”
“Deal!” Jackie clapped her hands together and turned the music back up, driving to the spot they used to call theirs.

Chapter 18

The sky was unbelievably clear, the perfect night to enjoy with the top down. Even though it was freezing with the wind whipping around them, Jackie blasted the heat on high. Ava leaned her head back on the seat, gazing up at the stars as her sister drove way too fast down the all-too-familiar streets. Her heart raced as she sensed the way everything was changing, yet it all looked exactly the damn same. She thought back to just a few weeks ago when all she wanted was change. Now that it was here, she wasn’t quite sure how to feel.
Ava looked over at Jackie, who appeared a bit better rested than she had when Ava first saw her the night she came back. She was dancing in her seat, singing too loud, living completely in the moment. Ava had almost forgotten this about Jackie. She was always the more out-going, more fun, more adventurous version of Ava. Jackie was the polar opposite of their parents, while Ava’s mannerisms reflected theirs. She was the girl everyone wanted to know and be known by. Ava felt the jealousy in her gut all over again, just as she had every day when they lived together. Looking away, she wondered if she’d always feel this way around her sister. She truly hoped that someday, one day soon, she could just appreciate her for who she was and not want to be her.
Jackie stopped the car at the top of the hill and popped the trunk to get blankets out. They silently set up camp near the edge of the dropoff, bundling themselves up in blankets like little kids ready to play out in the snow. Jackie took out a pack of cigarettes and banged it against her palm a few times before taking one out to light it.
“When did you pick up this habit?” Ava asked, a bit surprised.
“Well, it’s my solution this week.”
“Your solution to what?”
“Just my solution,” Jaclyn answered mysteriously.
“Jackie, I didn’t come out here to play games. If we’re going to talk, you need to cut the bullshit. I don’t want to hear the lies you use to shield me from the truth. You protecting me only made things a hell of a lot shittier when you left and I had to figure it out by myself.”
“Look, I thought I was being a good sister. You know I feel guilty about some of the shit I got you into Ava. I was just-”
“What? Too drunk, high, having too much fun to tell your sister to have some self-worth?”
“You can’t completely blame me for all of your decisions, Ava. I’ve seen you say no when you needed too. I said I feel guilty, but I’m not taking all of the blame for this families dysfunction anymore. That’s what got me here.”
“No Jackie, you’re right. If I wasn’t so fucking concerned with being as popular, as beautiful, as outgoing as you, and had parents that reminded me what an intelligent, talented girl I was, I wouldn’t be so screwed up now.”
“You’re not screwed up, Ava. I am. No matter how you feel, I was, and always will be, the screw-up.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Everyone loves you, and I mean everyone.”
“Like who, Ava? Who, that actually matters? You are my person, Ava. You were always the one that loved me, no matter what. Our parents are fucked, and while Mom loves me in her own way, you were my baby doll, my sister, you were my everything, Ave. I knew I couldn’t do wrong in your eyes when we were kids, and it always terrified me that when you grew up you’d see who I really was.”
“What do you mean, who you really are? You’re still as fun and beautiful as ever, you’re just way too freaky skinny right now.”
Jacklyn took a deep drag on her cigarette. They both watched as she exhaled, a puff of smoke releasing into the air, like a dark secret finally finding it’s way towards the light.
“Ava, I’m an addict. It used to just be alcohol but when I was dating that guy, Ethan, it became much more than that. Coke at first, but painkillers were my downfall. Even though I stopped talking to Ethan when I got to college I found multiple suppliers on campus. Without you and Mac around for me to take care of, I spiraled out of control. My roommate came home one night and found me passed out with an empty pill bottle in my hand. She thankfully called 911. The college suggested I go home and clean up. Since I wasn’t going to classes any way they felt it best I don’t return back.”
Ava shook her head in disbelief, not sure what to say. She was pissed at Jacklyn for being so stupid. But also pissed at herself for not being there for her. She hugged her blankets closer and fought back tears.
“I know you’re mad. And probably disappointed. I never wanted anyone to find out but I lost my shit. Without any boundaries or image to uphold, I was free to fall. The scary thing is, I loved it. I loved not having to be a Pierson and all the stigma that goes along with it. I don’t know if I would’ve come back here if I hadn’t run out of money. I dreamed of living in a van, doing drugs by the ocean, and living on love.”
“Are you fucking insane Jackie?” Ava was yelling now, it came from deep within her. “You were just going to throw your life away and everyone you ever knew, to eventually OD in a van somewhere. That sounds ideal to you?”
“You know, yeah. I wasn’t ever particularly smart or talented, not like you. You don’t try hard at school but you’re fucking brilliant. You can remember everything you’ve ever read, like Mom, and recall any fact you’ve ever learned, like Dad. Plus you’re naturally gorgeous. I know I was given some of the Pierson looks, but I had to try harder than you. Mac’s got charm and heart, things our parents surely need more of. Me? I’m just a good time. A fucking real good time.”
Ava stared at her sister in awe and disbelief. She took her pack of cigarettes and threw them as far as she could into the ravine.
“What the fuck Ava!?”
“You’re being fucking pathetic, Jacklyn. You’re giving up on yourself and I really want to slap you in the face for it. I can’t believe the shit you’re saying. What the actual FUCK!” Ava stood up and screamed the word fuck as loud as she could for as long as she could until tears ran in rapid succession down her cheeks. Jackie sprang up from where she was sitting and hugged Ava close to her. Ava pushed her away.
“Don’t try to mother me right now! Don’t you- try to- damn it.” Ava was breathing heavily, unable to calm herself down.
“You can’t blame me for this Jackie. You can’t claim that because we drifted you decided to become a junkie. That shit isn’t fair to me.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It isn’t.” They both laid down on the ground, staring up at the night sky.
“Maybe if our parents would’ve just, I don’t know, expressed love for us, maybe we wouldn’t be in this fucked up parent-child-like sisterhood, ” Ava said, more to herself than Jackie.
“Maybe. Probably.”
They laid there for a while longer, coming to a quiet understanding. They were both just trying their best to love one another, love each other despite their horrible parenting, and attempt to grow up in the process.
“Hey, Jackie?”
“Hm?”
“Are you at the point, or would you, have you, thought about rehab?”
“It has crossed my mind. As much as Mom and Dad will be embarrassed, I don’t see any other solution. If I stay much longer in that house with them I’ll start using again in no time.”
“Well I think, quite possibly, this is the perfect time to get your shit together. Or at least try.”
Jackie looked over at Ava to smile hugely at her.
“Okay. I’ll let you take me to rehab but only if you tell me what’s going on with you and that Penn guy. He’s super hot, by the way.”
“What are you talking about? Did Mac say something?”
“He might have prepped me but my god, his eyes didn’t leave you for a second at that game tonight and he wasn’t staring at your ass either. Well, not for longer than appropriate anyway.”
“Oh my GOD! Jackie! Stop.” Ava snuck her arm out of her blanket to slap Jackie on the arm.
“I’m serious Ave, I walked by him to go to the bathroom and his gooey eyes were frustrated I blocked his view of you for a split second.”
“Yeah, well. I kissed him and spilled my heart out to him but he refuses to be anything less than a gentleman, and by that, I mean he still insists we stay friends.”
“Did he kiss you back?”
“Why does that matter?”
“Well, did he?”
“Yes, oh yeah. I mean, he started it. And it was a damn good one too.”
“Mmmhmm. He’s already halfway in love with you Ave. He’ll put on a good front for a while to be the good guy he is, but you guys could be in it for the long haul. All those other guys you were with were dumbasses. I always knew you’d find someone equal to you in every way. I know you’re too young to ever consider marriage but hell, it would be a more functional relationship than the one we witnessed growing up.”
“God, I hope so. I hope we all have relationships our kids can look to as great examples of love.”
“Me too Avie. Me too.”
“I saw that guy not too long ago, that Ethan guy you dated. He asked about you, while hitting on me.”
“Ugh, sounds about right. His drugs were always more interesting than him. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
“It’s okay, he tried to punch Penn but fell on his face.”
Jackie laughed so hard the sound seemed to reverberate across the entire town.
“What a fucktard!”
“Sis, I missed you too. And I forgive you for whatever damage you caused and hope you can forgive me too. I love you, and if it weren’t for you and Mac, I’d hate being a Pierson too.”
“I love you too, sister. I’m crap without you and Mac around to love me.”
“So you’ll let me take you to rehab, for real?”
“I have a spot picked out already, just need to finalize the dates. I pretty much had already decided on going but I really wanted to hear the truth about Penn.”
Ava smiled at Jackie as they lay there talking about everything they missed out on for the past months. Jacklyn rolled her eyes when hearing about Linds and explained the weirdness of college in California. She couldn’t believe Westwood hadn’t changed a bit, meanwhile, her entire world was on flipped its head.

Chapter 19

Ava and Jackie tried to quietly sneak into their house. They shut the door softly and attempted to tip-toe up the stairs, but their Mom jolted up from the couch, looking wistfully at the door. Ava had never seen her mother look this addled; her hair was matted on one side of her head, black mascara smeared across her cheeks, clothes still on from the night before. Both girls noticed the empty bottle of wine sitting on the coffee table. Ava had guessed her mom might be a closet alcoholic, but the recent events were bringing all of her parent’s dirty secrets out into the open.
“Ma, it’s just us. We’re going right up to bed. Mac is over at a friend’s house for the night,” whispered Jackie as she sat down on the couch and tried to put her arms around her mom.
“I just, I thought you were, just nevermind,” their mom stammered and drunkenly fell back onto her pillow, ignoring Jackie’s attempt at affection. Jackie looked over at Ava and shook her head, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling. Even as drunk and broken as she was, their Mom still wouldn’t let her daughters in. Ava sighed, wishing she was back at Penn’s tonight. The huge house, always sparsely decorated, echoed with every little sound. Ava felt her Dad’s absence and wondered how life would be different. Though his presence was anything but comforting, it was eerie here without him.
Walking up the stairs to her room, Ava felt motivated to start looking into colleges. She needed to find a place to start over, for her story to begin. This one was sad, exhausting, and frankly, she was done waiting for her parents to get their shit together.
As Ava crawled into her bed she found comfort in the lingering scent of cigarette smoke in her hair. She was on the verge of falling asleep when her phone ring. She smiled at the name on the screen.
“Who calls people anymore Penn? Heard of texting?”
“Sorry, I desperately wanted to hear your sarcastic voice resounding in my ears.”
She couldn’t wipe the silly smile off her face, though she wished she didn’t feel this way about him.
“What do you really want, Matthews?”
“Just checking in on you. We were hoping you would surprise us tonight with your presence, but when the movie credits started rolling my Mom and I gave up on waiting for you.”
“I am sorry to disappoint, I meant to let you know. I caught up with my sister. Turns out some really crazy shit took place while I was hiding in your house.”
“You mean with more than just your sister?”
“Yeah, turns out my Dad is the cheating bastard we always thought he was, and my Mom is hitting the bottle big time. Jackie needs to go to rehab, and I’m about to lose my damn mind! Just another day at the Pierson’s lately. ”
“I’m so sorry Ava. I don’t know what else to say. If you need anything, please let me know. My Mom would adopt you in a heartbeat, you know?”
“So that would make us what, brother and sister? That makes that kiss we had pretty incestual.”
“Shit. You’re right. I take it all back! Guess you’ll just have to marry me then, that way she gets a daughter and I get to kiss you without it making us both want to vomit.”
“You’re proposing to me now? That’s a big leap from just friends.”
“It was the volleyball shorts. They did me in. I’m helpless.”
Ava let out an obnoxiously girly giggle that even she hated herself for. Panda jumped up to curl in for the night with her. There was silence on both lines of the phone for a moment, both noticing they had crossed over the 'just friends’ line for a moment. Penn quickly pulled them back.
“So, you’re going to be okay Ava? You don’t need me to come rescue you from what I assume is your castle-sized house?”
“You assume correctly, but I’ve never needed rescuing, Penn.”
“I know that. But it’s fun for me to try.”
“Goodnight Penn, I’ll see you Monday.”
“We’ll miss you over here, though I’m happy to have my bed back. Night Ava.”
Ava fell asleep quickly, forgetting for a moment that she’d wake to a mess of a family.
…
At some point during the night, their Mom made it to her bed to pass out. Ava and Jackie spent the entire morning cleaning the house after their Mom had left dirty dishes and kleenex everywhere. Neither one of them could wait for the cleaner to come on Friday. The air reeked of expensive wine and dejection.
“I’ve booked myself into rehab starting tomorrow, I need you to take me,” Jacklyn casually mentioned.
“What?! You just went ahead and did it? And tomorrow? But you just got home.”
“Yeah, and after seeing Mom like that last night I’m not about to prolong treatment so I can end up on the couch beside her. No fucking way. Our parents have screwed up our lives enough I’m getting help now before its too late for me.”
“You’re just going to leave me here to deal with this bullshit alone?” Ava asked, fists clenched.
“Ava, you’re a big girl now. You can handle this, and you’ll do a lot better job than I could. Plus, you’ve got Mac. We all know he’s the best family member anyways.”
Ava was pissed but proud of her sister. She wanted nothing more than for Jackie to live the life she always deserved.
“Ugh. Fine. I’ll take you, but you owe me when you get out. I’ll think of what it is you owe me, but it will be big.”
Jackie smiled and threw a throw pillow at Ava. Ava told her to go pack for rehab while she tried to convince her mom to take a shower. She winced as she opened the door to her Mother’s room. Her mother was passed out naked on the bed, a pool of drool on her pillow. Ava placed her hand on her shoulder and shook her a bit to wake.
“What are you doing in here?” She snapped.
“Mom, how about you climb into the shower?”
“You shouldn’t be in here. We’ve never allowed you kids in our bedroom. Your Father would be furious if he caught you in here.” Ava figured it wasn’t the best time to mention it wasn’t her Dad’s bedroom anymore. He was gone for good.

“Mom, are you going back to work tomorrow?”
“Go make me a Mimosa. Please.”
“No, I asked if you’re going back to work can you please answer?”
“I have months of time off and I intend to use it.”
“That’s great, Mom, but you can’t spend it like this.”
“Yeah? And how would you spend your time if you found out your husband of nearly 20 years has been cheating on you for most of it? That he’s been using your hard-earned money to pay for her apartment? That he’s flushed away most of your money running off with that, that whore, and is trying to get the house, this house that I mostly paid for! I make more than your father ever did, did you know that?”
“No, Mom. That’s amazing, you’re amazing at what you do. If he wants the house, give him the house. We don’t need this huge thing.”
“That’s not the point Ava. He destroyed this family.”
“I don’t think that’s totally true.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Mom, we knew you two weren’t happy. We barely saw you look at each other for most of our lives, unless it was in public.”
Ava’s mom laughed dryly. “People are going to be so utterly shocked by this shit. Your sister is an addict, your father is a cheat, and I-I’m a fucking blind idiot.” Tears welled back up in her Mom’s eyes. Ava couldn’t take it much longer, she felt the angry bubble expanding in her chest burst. She walked to the door about to walk out, then turned back towards her Mom.
“Jackie is taking ownership of her problems and going to rehab. I’d say that’s pretty brave, and admirable. Dad’s a prick and always has been, everyone who knows him is aware of that. But you Mom, you don’t have hide. You’re beautiful, successful and intelligent. I don’t understand why you’ve ever let Dad determine who you are or what you do with your life. He’s gone now, and I don’t think he’s not coming back. You get a chance to live your own life, on your own terms. Mac and I are still here, rooting for you and on your side. I’d love to see the incredible woman that came before our asshole of a father.”
Her Mom stared at her like she wasn’t sure who this person was speaking to her. Ava realized she’d never spoken up like this before to her Mom. As far as her parents knew, she was perfectly obedient and quiet. Ava thought for a second she was going to get slapped in the face. Instead, her mother stood up and walked slowly into the bathroom to quietly shut the door. Well, Ava thought to herself, at least there was movement.
…
“How’s the packing coming?”
Jackie was in the middle of her room, surrounded by multiple stacks of clothing. If Ava had to guess, the packing wasn’t going great.
“I bet they won’t let me wear any of this stuff. I’ll probably be forced to wear some ugly jumpsuit or something.”
“Maybe still pack some sexy underwear in case you find a hot dude in there.” Ava joked, sling-shotting a hot pink thong at Jackie.
“Great, I’ll become a sex addict.”
Ava laughed and shook her head.
“Nah, you’re going to do great.”
“I hope so. I know it will be hard but, I want to try to be different. I heard what you said down there about me to Mom. I was eavesdropping. You made me tear up a little.”
“I meant what I said.”
Ava sat down beside Jackie on the floor, amidst the chaos. She held up a bikini that was nothing but strings.
“Jacks, this thing is ridiculous. Are you actually going to pack it?”
“Who cares! Pick on something bigger so I’ll have more room in my suitcase!”
The two sisters spent the afternoon laughing over what to pack and finally, a few hours later, they managed to fit everything into one suitcase. As they finished up they heard their Mom walk down the hallway. They spied through a crack in the door as she went downstairs. She was freshly showered and wearing her normal impeccable “lounge clothes”.
“Looks like your pep talk worked!” Jackie jabbed Ava’s side.
“Maybe we should have told our parents they were horrible at parenting long before this.”
“Yeah, I doubt it would’ve changed anything. Who knows how Dad would’ve punished us.”
“Well, now another poor child is about to have our Dad as a dad, what a shame.”
“Tragic, really.”
Ava and Jackie stayed up in Jackie’s bedroom for the rest of the night, having a sleepover like the old times. They ordered a pizza and watched chick flicks, acting like everything was the way it used to be. Like Jackie wasn’t going to rehab in the morning, and their Dad was grumpily watching the news downstairs. They knew it was the last night they could happily pretend everything was normal.

Chapter 20

Ava woke up to Jackie turning the ceiling fan light on and off. If Ava wasn’t about to take her to rehab she would’ve thrown the bedside table lamp at her head.
“Time to get up, up, UP!” Jackie yelled, each word increasing in volume.
“I’m going to kill you.” Ava threatened as she literally rolled off her bed and onto her carpeted floor.
“Seriously, we’ve gotta go, your car is packed. I let you sleep as long as possible but if you don’t take me now you’ll be late for school this morning.”
“Oh, what a tragedy that would be!”
“Come on!”
Ava threw on a pair of leggings and a gray sweatshirt, quickly tossing her hair up into a ponytail. She washed her face and brushed her teeth in record time. She grabbed a breakfast bar for both of them and almost left without her backpack, before turning to grab it and slamming the front door. Jackie was already waiting in the car, music blasting, a hot cup of coffee in her hands.
“You seem strangely excited for this Jack, I don’t think this is what people feel before they go to rehab.”
“It’s my last morning of freedom! There’s a shot of Baileys in this coffee and I’m ready to enjoy it before being held hostage for the next three months.”
Ava wasn’t surprised in the slightest. She started the car and blasted the heat, not believing November would be so cruel.
“It’s real rehab right Jackie? Not some retreat place where you get facials and massages the whole time? I really want to make sure you get the help you need.”
“God, I wish massages were included! No, here, I’ll send you the link. It’s legit I promise. One of the best money can buy, thanks to Daddy! Best thing that bastard ever did for me.”
“No kidding.” Ava backed out of the driveway, worrying that Mac had a ride to school and that her mom would leave the bedroom at some point today. The entire ride Jackie played DJ, picking out her favorite songs and savoring her spiked coffee. Ava could admit she enjoyed having Jackie back, she would miss her all over again these next few months. Ava turned down the music, realizing this was the last half hour she’d get to hang with her sister for a while.
“Do you get visitors or phone calls? I know some rehabs have family therapy.”
“Nah, I opted out of that. Our parents wouldn’t even make the effort and the problem clearly isn’t you and Mac. Why? You gonna miss me?”
“Maybe a little bit.”
“Yeah. Fuck. I didn’t think about missing the holidays, not that they have ever been all too memorable. Why the hell didn’t we ever go to any of our relative’s homes? I’m sure Aunt Katherine or someone invited us. Ours was so… depressing.”
“Probably because our parents didn’t bother to keep in touch with their ‘inferior’ family members. They didn’t run in the proper circles so god forbid we be exposed to their middle classism.”
“God, you’re probably right. I liked Aunt Kath. I remember her from our grandparent’s funerals when I was younger. She was always laughing obnoxiously loud, just like me, and sneaking cookies to us. You were a little too young, but I remember.”
“I wish I did. Mac hasn’t met any of our family.”
“They only live about three hours away, ya know. In case you want to take Mac somewhere for the holidays.”
“You’re sure they won’t let you see anyone for the holidays?”
“They might, but I don’t want to honestly. I want to do this right, on my own. I don’t ever want my future kids to come home to me passed out on the couch, or worse, like Mom. I’m doing this all the way.”
“I’m really proud of you sis, I know I’ve already said it, but I am.”
“Yeah well, I’m proud of you too. All it took was me leaving for you to see there’s more to life than the shit I got us caught up in.”
“It was not your fault Jackie.”
“But it was, Ava. To me, it always will be. Even if our fucked up parents did most of the damage, I was supposed to protect you from it.”
“That’s not your job. Just because you were born first doesn’t mean you had to raise Mac and me.”
“Yes, it did mean that. And I failed. I’m going to work on forgiving myself these next few months.”
“You know we forgive you right? I mean I tried to blame you for a while, but I can’t anymore. I never should have.”
The girls sat in silence as they pulled up to the unassuming brick building. It looked more like an apartment complex from the outside than a rehab facility. Ava offered to go inside with her but Jackie refused. They embraced on the sidewalk for a moment before Jackie turned quickly to walk up the stairs. She looked back at the top, hesitating, before smiling bravely at Ava. She waved goodbye as she opened the front door handle and disappeared inside.

Ava felt intensely alone on the drive back, the rest of the day looming ahead of her like a storm about to erupt. She drove to school with the stereo turned off, wondering what home would be like without Jackie there to distract her. She drove up to school in a haze, knowing she would be marked late if she didn’t book it.
Through her morning classes, she tried her best to focus. All she could think about was her Mother. Being alone with her was the last thing Ava wanted, with practice over she didn’t have anything else to do but go home. The fourth period came before she knew it, with so much running through her mind she barely noticed Penn as he sat down next to her. He tried to steal her attention but she couldn’t muster the strength to do much more than stare down at her notebook.
Penn stood next to her desk as soon as the bell rang, forcing her to notice him.
“Hey, are you with us today? You look exhausted.”
“Oh, thanks, Penn, subtle way to tell me I look like shit.”
“You know you never look like shit. You looking like shit is equivalent to what other girls look like on prom night.”
“Good one.”
Penn followed Ava all the way to the lunchroom, trying to get her to talk to him. She shrugged and nodded at him through the lunch line. When she sat down Penn pulled his chair close to hers.
“Ava, talk to me.” He put his hand on her knee, sending a shiver of goosebumps down her leg. She breathed him in, the scent of soap, mint, and something else uniquely Penn. It snapped her out of her weird mood enough to tell herself to chill out.
“I’m just tired.” She turned away from him, hoping he couldn’t smell her morning breath and lack of deodorant. She hadn’t had time for hygiene this morning. They sat together quietly for a few moments when Linds appeared beside them. Arms crossed, Ava recognized the evil look on her face. She knew something big.
“Is it true?”
“No Linds, I don’t have syphilis.”
“No, did your sister really go to rehab?”
“How the hell did that get out? You better keep your fucking mouth shut,” Ava snapped, jumping up from her chair.
“And your Dad walked out?”
“What the FUCK is wrong with this school?” Ava said, loud enough for the entire cafeteria to freeze and listen. Penn eyed the girls, not sure if he should intervene. Linds put her hands up in defense.
“Ava, I’m not who spread the rumor. I swear. The lady your Dad has been sleeping with, her name is Penelope-”
“What a horrible name,” Penn said under his breath.
“Yeah, well, she’s ecstatic she doesn’t have to keep her little secret anymore.” Linds sneered. “She called up a bunch of friends from the club to brag, and to talk shit about your Mom. My mom couldn’t wait to tell me.”
Ava’s face turned bright red, tears quickly welling in her eyes. She didn’t care everyone was watching anymore.
“Fan-fucking-tastic. My mom won’t be able to show her face anywhere in this horrible town.”
“Ava, I’m really sorry. But it looks like the Pierson family isn’t nearly as perfect as we thought,” Linds smirked and flipped her hair over her shoulder.
Penn shot up from his chair, a flash of anger across his face, but Ava stepped in between them before he could say anything.
“I don’t need your pity, Linds. And don’t you dare say shit about my sister. She was nothing but a good friend to you. Something you were never able to be.” Ava walked past Linds, bumping into her shoulder on her way out of the cafeteria. Penn ran after her as she stormed out of the lunchroom and into a deserted hallway where she couldn’t hold back the pain anymore.
“These people HAVE GOT to get a life, Penn. They can leave mine the hell alone.” She started to shake, not wanting the tears to fall. Penn stood there speechless, made a movement to hug her but Ava put an arm out to stop him.
“You don’t have to play hero, anymore, Penn. And I’m not sure I can do this friend thing with you. You’re not so great at covering up your feelings for me and I’m not going to pretend time and time again that I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry, I need to figure some things out on my own.”
Ava turned and walked down the hallway, tears running in thick streams down her cheeks. She knew could no longer rely on Penn to distract her from the present, she had to face this all on her own.

WINTER

Bare-
like the branches
of an oak tree
in the throes
of winter.
Exposed-
before the snow falls
you see
all
of me.

Chapter 21 -

November passed in a cold, damp, and depressing blur. Ava felt the days drag as slowly as her feet down the gossipy Junior hallway. She questioned her decision to cut Penn out of her life but felt it was only right that she take this on by herself. He texted often at first to check on her but soon gave up as she continued to ignore him. In English class, Ava started sitting in the far back corner away from Penn, Linds, and Trish. Lunch became the loneliest time of day, she ate alone in her car to avoid the sharp whispers and cold stares in her direction.

Home was a separate sad story, with Ava and her Mom tiptoeing around one another, desperate to avoid conflict. Ava made sure Mac had rides everywhere he needed and began to take on the grocery shopping and cooking since her Mom must have forgotten to pay the housekeeper since their Dad left. She refused to go back to work and instead moped around the house as if that would bring their useless father back. Their Mom had shrunk to a thin, hollowed-out version of herself.
Ava was beyond grateful to have Mac around, he was the only person she could talk to about everything going on. He urged her daily to get in touch with Penn but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Mac did everything he could to help Ava by pitching in with the cleaning and practicing patience with their Mom, urging her to take showers and freshen up. It took the entire month for them to develop a routine that gave the outside world the illusion they were all doing great, better yet with their Dad gone.
As Thanksgiving drew near, Ava decided it was best to get Mac away from the house for the holidays. She had been thinking about Aunt Katherine ever since she dropped Jackie off at rehab, and decided she was the perfect, and really only, person to call.
While Ava’s Mom was passed out she stole her phone and found Katherine’s number. Katherine was beyond ecstatic to hear from Ava. They spent hours catching up on the past decade, Ava learning all about the family she never knew. Ava told Katherine about the recent split, as well as where Jackie would be for the holidays. Katherine couldn’t wait to have Mac and Ava over, she’d been hosting the family holidays for years now. By the time the call was over, Ava couldn’t wait to leave for the holidays.

When Mac and Ava arrived on Thanksgiving they couldn’t have been more pleasantly surprised. This side of the family was nothing like their Mother. Their relatives were funny, creative, warm, and sassy. They welcomed both of them with open arms, Katherine even offered that they move to her house until their Mom sorted through some things. Apparently, their Mom had always been the black sheep, chasing only after Dad and money. Ava felt happy for the first time all month, finally surrounded by flesh and blood who loved her, even after all these years.
Being with caring relatives was the dose of inspiration she needed to get started on Ava 2.0. As soon as Thanksgiving break was over she asked to meet with each of her teachers individually, a tactic she learned from spending time with Penn. “I may look like a suck up but my college recommendations will be off the charts,” he joked while she made fun of him for being a teacher’s pet. It was another reminder of how much she missed Penn, but it was also exactly what she needed to get her ass in gear.
Each teacher was taken aback by her asking, they mostly knew her for her bored, uninterested sighs in class. They were, however, very happy to suggest ways to improve her grades. She had a long way to go but she had a plan to get there. There were a couple classes that would change next semester, so she had even more pressure to pass these final exams with flying colors.
Since Ava knew she’d need to start studying more she took a long look at her outdated, sparsely decorated room and decided it was time to make another change. If felt cathartic to put each picture of her old life; of Linds, Trish, Wendy, and countless guys she barely remembered, into the trash. The only photos she kept were of her and Jackie, at their most sober and happiest. She made a huge Goodwill pile consisting of numerous crop tops, cut off shorts, a pink comforter, and stuffed animals which were lame, thoughtless gifts from her Dad even when she was a teenager. He never knew her enough to buy her anything that meant something.
Ava took an entire Saturday running errands to redecorate her room. She took a page out of Jana’s book and chose a color that was both comforting and inspiring to her. Though she hated herself for it, the color blue she picked out very closely resembled that of Penn’s eye color. Thankfully, the woman at the hardware store was kind enough to explain to Ava what all you need to paint a room. Ava left the store loaded with a paint tray, paint stick, rollers, tape and a tarp to cover her cream colored carpet. Ava stopped by Target to pick up a brand new bedspread in navy and sheets in light shades of blue and ivory. She also picked up a new desk chair and lamp, along with journals, pens, and a dry-erase calendar for her wall.
Back at home, Ava tried to ignore her Mom on the couch as she drank Titos from the bottle at 1'oclock in the afternoon. Though she thought she’d get used to seeing her Mom this way, it was still heartbreaking to watch. Ava still had the silly hope her Mom cared enough to ask her what she was up too, but she couldn’t lift her head up from the couch, let alone ask about Ava’s life.
In her room, Ava blasted Haim as she got down to business. She lifted up her window, opened the paint can, and swirled the paint until it was evenly mixed. Each stroke she made with the roller was sweet therapy as the blue covered over the deceivingly perfect white her Father had painted the entire house. Though it took her hours to get the first coat done, she nearly cried when she finished. She did it, she had painted this room herself, taken care of her family mostly by herself, and for the first time in her life, believed she’d be able to do absolutely anything she put her mind too.

Chapter 22

In mid-December Ava decided she needed to do some serious resume building. Playing Volleyball and a decently high GPA weren’t nearly enough for colleges these days. She decided to choose a handful clubs she was interested in, then crossed off the ones Penn was in. She received permission from the teachers in charge of the clubs to join for a meeting in order to see how she liked it.
Ava was nervous about what people would think of her. Especially since she hadn’t gotten to know many people outside of her small circle. She knew names and faces, but she’d never had the audacity to reach out and make new friends. She’d never felt so vulnerable.
Feeling like Goldilocks, Ava attended each club hoping to find the perfect fit. The Westwood Post, newspaper club, was fast-paced and intimidating. There were about 20 students who fed off of each other; pitching stories, cracking jokes, and discussing upcoming events to cover. Each of them was so comfortable with one another, Ava felt she’d always be an outsider. While they were nice, she could tell they weren’t very interested in having her on staff.
Her second attempt was FBLA, the Future Business Leaders of America. Her main motivation here was interest in possibly owning her own business someday. However, the one business class she took sophomore year bore her to pieces, turned out FBLA wasn’t much different. She did admire the handful of badass girls in the club, noting how they spoke up louder and more direct than most adult women she’d heard. It reminded her of her mother in a courtroom and how once, Ava’s Dad brought her to see her Mom during a big case. She controlled the entire courtroom and won the case, cool and collected the jury ate her words right up. She was amazing. It was one of the few times Ava had seen her Dad’s face light up and made her believe he really did love her Mom at some point. Now she knew her Dad just enjoyed having control over her Mom, a powerful women who only he could make feel inadequate, and continued to enjoy still even in his absence.
Not feeling all too confident on her third attempt, Ava slipped into the back row of the classroom in which Model United Nations was held. A stunning tall girl leading the meeting stopped to greet her. “Hi, Ava! I was told you’d be joining us today. Please, don’t be shy, we’ve got seats a little bit closer to the front.” Ava did her best not to blush as she moved up a couple rows. As the girl up front continued to talk Ava noticed the classroom was primarily female, with a few guys sprinkled in. Though it was a small group, about 15 students total, Ava could tell each one was excited to be there. Once the tall girl finished speaking, the group broke up into smaller groups and Ava was left fidgeting in her seat.
“Oh Ava, come join us! Having you here makes it an even 16 so we can each be in a group of 4. I’m Amaya, by the way.” The tall girl stuck out her hand and Ava was gripped by a strong handshake. Ava couldn’t help but stare at Amaya’s perfectly smooth dark chocolate skin and realized she probably looked incredibly rude.
“Do I have something on my face?” Amaya asked, running a hand over her mouth.
“Oh god, no. I’m sorry. I’m just jealous of your complexion.”
“Psh. Jealous? I stick out like a sore thumb in this white bread school. But thank you. What brings you to Model UN?”
“Honestly? Resume builder. But also very interested in getting outside the Westwood bubble.”
“We all need to get out of our Westwood bubbles! Good answer. This is Syd and Gloria,” Amaya said, pointing to the other two members of their group.
“Sure, I’ve seen the two of you around before. Syd, you were in my Geography class last year right?” Ava asked, hoping Syd didn’t hate her for hardly remembering.
“Yeah, girl! It’s crazy we’ve been in school together since, like, third grade I think is when I moved here? We just barely ever had a class together. I’m glad you decided to come,” said Syd warmly. Ava had always thought she seemed nice, and she was not afraid to be herself. She wore an “I’m a Feminist” t-shirt with hot pink leggings and combat boots. Her turquoise hair was chopped short, framing her round, dimpled cheeks. She was someone Linds would definitely turn her tiny nose up at.
Gloria politely nodded at Ava. She was quiet but exuded confidence. Ava guessed she was a freshman since she hadn’t seen her around. Freshmen and Juniors were on completely opposite sides of the school. Her long, caramel colored hair fell in soft waves down her back and Ava wondered how her skin managed to stay so tan in December.
“So, Ava, here’s the deal,” Amaya took charge of the group once more, “our team was assigned Norway for the next UN Conference which will take place in March. Right now we are focusing on research. We usually do two conferences a year and the preparation is the same. After being assigned a country, we decide which students will participate in a certain committee. Our committee is the ECOSOC, the Economic and Social Council. Our topic is Climate Change and Inequality. We need to research deeply before developing our position papers and perfecting our speeches. It’s a long process, but damn it if we aren’t getting pretty good at this.” All three girls nodded in agreement. “We meet every Tuesday and Thursday, we know it’s a big commitment but it’s worth it. So, are you in?”
It didn’t seem like Ava had much of a choice anyway but fully decided this was the perfect fit for her. She felt fully welcomed and incredibly empowered by these girls.
“Yes, tell me where to start.” Amaya and Syd clapped happily, while Gloria smiled softly in her direction.
As the hour came to its end, Ava found herself not wanting the meeting to be over. She was completely wrapped up in researching and learning about a country other than America. The more she learned the more she wanted to know how all the countries in the world operated, and why. It was invigorating to learn of other cultures, traditions, and governing ideas. She was so caught up in not only learning so much but enjoying the company of Gloria, Syd, and Amaya that she forgot to dread going home. She hung her head as she packed up her things, trying to find the motivation to leave.
“Hey, Ava! Before you go, I want you to know how excited we are for you to join us,” Syd stepped in front of her as the other girls joined to huddle around Ava, blocking the exit. “We were also wondering if you’d be interested in hanging out with us this New Year’s Eve? We know you have other friends, so its completely okay if you say no. Plus, you barely know us yet. And, it’s kind of weird that a senior, junior, and freshman all hang out together. We just find we like each other a lot more than our other friends.”
“I-uh-”
“And we’ll just be watching movies at my house, so it’s not like, cool or anything? If we’re lucky maybe my Mom will sneak us a drink of champagne at midnight but like, that’s about it. I know you’ve probably got parties, or whatever,” Syd was beginning to look embarrassed that she’d asked.
“I-,” Ava tried to answer but they wouldn’t let her. Gloria peeped up.
“What Syd is trying to say is we would love to hang out with you more. And we would really like if you joined us for New Year’s but there is no pressure.” Syd nodded enthusiastically as Amaya shook her head at Syd’s awkwardness.
“What I was trying to say, is that I would really like that.”
“But… are you sure you don’t have other things to do?”
“No, honestly girls, it sounds amazing. I’ll be there.”
The three girls smiled at one another and left together, sweetly bickering as they walked out the door. Ava was filled with joy she’d never known before, having friends who she shared something important with; common passions. It made her miss Penn and Jackie a little less, but only a little.

Chapter 23

With the help of Amaya, Syd, and Gloria, Ava’s newly painted room, and Mac, Ava managed to pass her final exams with flying colors. Before she got up to turn her final exam into Mr. Brewer, Ava looked over at Penn who was deep in thought. She wanted to whisper, “Have a good break,” but figured it wasn’t exactly the apology she owed him.
Thankfully her new lifesaving trio told Ava to call them over the break to hang out for more than just New Years, or else she would have spent the entire two weeks, outside of Christmas, locked up in her bedroom when she wasn’t reminding her Mom to shower. Mac’s friends already agreed to rotate houses for sleepovers all break, so Ava was relieved he was taken care of.
It was brand new to Ava to just hang out at a girls house, or simply go out together for lunch, and have a blast without any drugs involved. She’d known Linds wasn’t a very good friend, but now she realized they were downright terrible. It was also nice to see that the girls didn’t have fully functioning families either, though she would’ve happily been apart of any of theirs.
Amaya had a huge family with 7 kids. Her Dad was a high-up in the local university where Penn’s Mom also worked. Ava didn’t ask if the two knew each other. Amaya’s Mom was a grade school teacher. They each took turns making dinner and fighting over portion sizes, but Ava understood why Amaya seemed 10 years older than she actually was. As the oldest, she commanded the household and made sure everyone contributed equally so her parents could come home and breathe after work. Ava wouldn’t be surprised if Amaya ran for president one day.

Gloria didn’t often invite people over, but the other girls told her it was her turn to host. Ava absolutely loved Gloria’s home, and family. Her parents had immigrated from Mexico when Gloria was three, and she’d never seen two people more in love. Her Mom was a cocktail waitress at a high-end bar where she headlined as their most talented singer when she got off her shift. Her Father was a dentist with his own practice. Their home was warm and bright, with cozy furniture and books strewn on every table for whoever to pick up and read. Though Gloria was uncomfortable at first, Ava enjoyed their easy way of living.
Syd’s home seemed like a standard Westwood special, she lived only a couple of blocks from Ava in a home not that different looking from hers. Though the house looked the same on the outside, it couldn’t have been more different on the inside. Syd’s family loved pets a little too much. With three dogs, four cats, a parakeet and a giant fish tank, it ended up being more of a zoo than a home. Syd’s parents were high energy, her Dad a football coach at the private high school and her Mom a pediatrician. Syd’s younger brother was a dance prodigy with bright blue hair who leaped and spun through the house and over the animals. It was chaos, and Ava loved that it looked so unassuming on the outside.
When it was Ava’s turn to host she was beyond worried. She hadn’t told her friends much about her dysfunctional family for fear it would send them running. Before the girls came over for the evening Ava made sure her Mom was showered and hid away in her bedroom. Ava ordered pizza in and scrambled to clean the house while Mac told her it would all work out just fine, to stop being so nervous.
The girls were great, didn’t ask where her parents were as they hung out in the living room watching chick flicks and painting their nails. They thought it was cool to have a house pretty much to themselves. When they asked to see Ava’s room they commented on how grown up her room was, and she didn’t bother to mention what it had looked like before.
{Insert part where Ava’s mom comes out strung out and Ava has to explain what’s going on to her friends}

When they left, Ava was relieved but she knew one thing for sure, it was incredible to have friends that didn’t judge and loved her for what she was.
The holidays crept up before she knew it, and Ava loved seeing family again for Christmas. Ava and Mac were used to quiet Christmases with expensive gifts. They were short, emotionless, and spent in separate rooms after gifts were opened. The kids were always asked to disappear by their father once they got too excited.

New Year’s spent at Syd’s was everything Ava had hoped for. The girls hung out in Syd’s room all night, talking about their project, and their crushes, and who they wanted to be when they grew up. Ava felt even more behind when she heard their plans. Amaya would attend Washington University in the fall, with plans to major in Political Science. Though Gloria was only a freshman, she dreamed of being a writer and to dual major in English and Journalism. Syd was planning on majoring in graphic design and hoped to help non-profits on the side with their branding. They all had colleges picked out with a number of back-ups. When they asked Ava what she planned on doing, she froze. All she could say was she was still figuring it out.
“Ava- weren’t you dating that new hot guy Penn for a while? What happened to that?” Syd asked.
Ava froze.
“Oh yeah, that guy on the track team?!? He got so cute this year! All the senior girls walk by his locker on purpose to get him to notice them. I’m not one of them I swear,” said Amaya. “Okay, I’ve done it a couple times.”
The girls all giggled as Ava bit her lip and looked out the window.
“Oh crap, Ava, did something bad happen?” Gloria picked up on her not so talkative change of mood.
“We were just good friends. That’s all. He came around at a time where I needed a friend.”
“Damn, so can I have his number?” Syd joked while Gloria threw a pillow at her head.
“You liked him didn’t you Ava? I can tell.”
Ava wished Gloria would stop being so damn intuitive.
“Yeah, I guess I did. He only wanted to be friends though.” Ava tried to shrug it off.
“What guy in his right mind would just want to be friends with you? I don’t believe that for a second,” Amaya bluntly stated.
Ava wouldn’t make eye contact.
“Let’s drop it, girls.” Gloria, always the voice of reason, changed the subject to new classes for the upcoming semester. Ava couldn’t concentrate on the conversation for the rest of the night and instead read through Penn’s old text messages, wondering what he was doing this break.

Ava dreaded the start of school again, she couldn’t believe winter break was already coming to a close. While some of her classes changed, English was not one of them, meaning she’d still have to be in close proximity to Penn. The night before school started she tossed and turned, sleep escaping her as much as she tried. She looked at her phone to see it was 1 in the morning. She got out of bed to see the first snowflakes of winter start to fall from the sky. She wasn’t a huge fan of snow but for some reason, tonight, she had to be out in it. She threw on a coat and Ugg boots and quietly headed outside to the front yard. She let the flakes fall around her, feeling at peace, and knowing she needed to take care of something. And she needed to do it now.
She hopped into her car, drove down the street, across town, and ended up in front of Penn’s house. She saw the TV still on in the living room and decided she wasn’t as crazy as she thought for driving all the way over to his house in the middle of the night. She called him from inside her car, not wanting to freeze to death. Her heart jumped at the sound of his voice.
“Ava? Is something wrong?”
“No. I’m outside your house.”
“Well, that’s just creepy. Have you been stalking me?” He walked outside in his sweats and smiled at her as he ran to her car and opened the door. She wanted to cry at the sight and smell of him as he filled her car, filling up spaces in her she hadn’t realized were so empty.
“Impulsive, much?”
“I just, I don’t know. I just had to see you.”
“Welp, here I am.”
“You don’t seem overly thrilled to see me.”
“Well, I’ll admit I was excited to see your name on my phone. And this spontaneity is very reminiscent of our first trip to the Lookout. But seeing you now, yes I’m pissed. You cut me off. Out of nowhere. and it’s not right.”
“You’re right, it’s not.”
“I have a right to be pissed.”
“You do. I know.”
“So, were you expecting me to fall head over heels for you with this visit? To forgive you and be best friends? This seems like some teenage rom-com shit right now.”
“You would never fall head over heels for me.”
Penn almost said something but quickly shut his mouth.
“Or, if you were, you wouldn’t really admit it to yourself.”
“Ava, this high school romance shit is bull shit. We’ll be over each other before we even begin. It’s the same story, over and over. Yes, I’m attracted to you, for your mind as well as everything else. Being around you but not being able to talk to you have been miserable. And you are doing so well, don’t think I haven’t noticed, and I’m happy for you, but I don’t get why you had to shut me out of your life. I always wanted to help, and this is not fair. It’s not fair to see you believe you are every bit as amazing as I knew you always were, but better without me around.”
“Of course my life isn’t better without you in it. That’s stupid.”
“That’s sure what it looks like.”
“Let me break this down for you Penn. I am in love with you, I think. I’ve never been in love so I don’t know much about it. At first, I just thought you were cute and nice, but then I fell hard for you. And all you could ever say was I was your friend. So yeah, I wanted to figure things out on my own. I was so distracted by how I felt about you I couldn’t get my own shit together. You’re the one who opened me up to a future of possibilities, and I knew I had to do something about it. So, I did. I am. I would’ve hidden away in you if I could, I wouldn’t have faced down the bull shit, I would have let you fight the battles for me. And I couldn’t let you do that.”
“I don’t know what to say. I feel like a safety net, or like someone you used when shit hit the fan to feel better until you could handle it on your own. ”
“You know you meant more than that to me.”
“So, what? What am I supposed to say?”
“This makes no sense! We don’t get to be together at all if it goes like this. I don’t want to be just your friend, and even though you won’t say it, I feel like you don’t just want to be my friend either. So why not just be together? If we broke up we’d just be back to where we already were, not together. For being smart you’re being fucking clueless.”
“I know I am.” Penn looked down at his hands and sighed. He looked defeated. They both stopped talking to watch the snow fall thicker now, covering the windshield, surrounding the two of them in a world all to themselves.
“Fine.” Penn said, not looking at her.
“Fine, what?”
“We can try.”
“No way did I win you over that easy.”
“If this is the only way you’ll talk to me, fine.”
“Well, that just sounds horrible.”
“I think, maybe, I might love you too. But also, I think we’re too young to know. Whatever I feel for you is more than my teenage brain can comprehend. You’ll probably break my heart like I always knew you would. But my mom will be happy, and I’ll be happy until you inevitably break my heart.”
“What do you mean you always knew I would break your heart? Is that what you wouldn’t tell me when we first met?”
“When I first saw you, Ava, I thought you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I mean, a lot of guys probably think that, but it wasn’t just because of your appearance. It was something about the way you observed your friends and your sister, the other people passing by, how you always seemed to be trying to work out how you fit into all this. Your sister was electric, magnetic. But you, you were more like a quiet current, pulling people in your direction without noticing why.”
“Why did I have to approach you then?”
“Because I knew I didn’t stand a chance with you.”
“You’re wrong, you know.”
Penn stopped staring out at the snow and turned to Ava.
“I knew friends would never work Ava, but I don’t want to lose you. Friends were the only way I felt I could keep you around longer.”
“I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon, Penn.”
“You will Ava, and so will I. There’s no chance we’ll stick around Westwood after school is over.”
“That’s so far off! We’ve got a year and a half before that happens!”
Penn began chewing on his lip, a nervous habit Ava learned he resorted to.
“Okay.”
“Okay…what does that mean?”
“Okay, we’ll try this.”
“You’re serious?”
“It won’t be easy at all Ava, but I’m learning it’s your way or the highway. I want to be in your life.”
“Thank God, because I’ve been missing you like crazy”
They leaned in towards each other, lips meeting over the center console. It was every bit as wonderful as Ava remembered their first one to be. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he wrapped his arms and her waist and they stayed that way for what seemed like hours. Penn pulled away first.
“School starts in less than four hours. We’ve got to get some sleep. Why don’t you sleep here? I think you left an outfit from last time you stayed, I’ve been holding it hostage.”
“That sounds lovely. I hope Jana makes something delicious for breakfast.”
“You know she always does!”
Ava walked hand in hand with Penn into his house, where he tucked her into his bed and kissed her on the forehead before heading to the guest room for the night.

“Is that all I get? Aren’t I like, your girlfriend now?”
“If I kiss you now I won’t leave this room tonight, and that is not how I’m starting this relationship off.”
“Fineeeee. See, it’s not all my way. Goodnight Penn.”
“Mmhmm. Sweet dreams, Ava.”

Chapter 24 -

Ava felt weird walking down the hallway with Penn, knowing they were officially together now. Amaya, Syd, and Gloria watched as she kissed Penn on the cheek when parting ways for class. Syd squealed and hugged her as soon as Penn drifted beyond ear shot.
Ava caught Linds glaring at Ava from across the hall, arms crossed, sending her a clear message that their friendship wasn’t salvageable. Ava was genuniely relieved at the thought. She watched her group of old friends dick around with one another, the athletes calling each other various horrible nicknames and the girls whispering when someone they didn’t like passed by in the hall. Ava couldn’t believe she had been a part of that, giggling along with Linds at Karen’s muffin top or Sheila’s inevitable camel toe. It was embarrassing to know she had been that person, and even worse to not realize she was doing anything wrong at the time.
She looked over at Amaya, Syd, and Gloria who were genuinely happy for her and her new relationship. Though she still felt on the outskirts of their friendship still, she had never felt so loved by a group of girls.
“Are you with us Ava?” Amaya asked, picking up on Ava staring across the hall. “Sorry we aren’t as cool as your old crew, but we like to think we won you over with our gumption.”
Amaya was always trying out words from different eras, Ava believed it was an attempt to make them cool again so she could say she started the trend.
“No, you won me over with your authenticity, and all of your beauty, obviously.”
All three girls laughed and flipped their hair over their shoulders, parting their separate ways for class.
Ava was thrilled to see Syd and Amaya as she entered the class, their last class of the day. After thinking more about colleges after the girls brought it up over break, Ava admitted she’d never been more engaged than during their UN meetings, and hoped to someday be part of it in the real world. Ava knew Math and Science weren’t in the stars for her but hoped to study more psychology, sociology, and economy to pick an area of expertise. She was taking an economics class this semester that Syd and Amaya happened to be in as well, so she was hoping this would be her shot at finding the right path for her.
“Ava, we heard our teacher was hot, but we were not expecting this,” Amaya whispered, gesturing towards the front of the class.
The man at the front was writing his name on the board, which was apparently Mr. Scott. When he turned to face the front of the classroom Ava knew it was going to be difficult for all of the females, and a few males, to pay attention to the subject at hand. Mr. Scott was tall, with square shoulders and a sturdy frame, and a face straight out of a Land’s End magazine. His hair was turning grey, but it only made him look more distinguished.
“Welcome to Economics, where we will cover the basics of both micro and macroeconomics. This class won’t be easy, and for you seniors, I’m sorry to say, you should have picked a different class if you plan on coasting by until you graduate.” Amaya looked at Syd and Ava, eyes wide in fear.
Mr. Scott was every bit as captivating as a teacher as he was an attractive man. The girls scribbled furiously in their notebooks throughout the class, trying to soak up everything the could. When the bell rang for class to be over the girls audibly sighed, upset they were done for the day.
“My God,” said Syd as she ran her hand through her hair, “I wish I would’ve showered this morning if I knew I’d be in the presence of that.”
“Seriously, but, he’s married ladies. And also, clearly, a gentleman,” said Ava.
“Ah, I see the three of you just experienced Mr. Scott for the first time,” Penn said as stepped into the circle.
“Yeah, Penn, why didn’t you tell me what I was walking in too?”
“Honestly, Ava, I was hoping you would be indifferent to his looks and not notice.”
“Yeah right, your girl isn’t blind Penn. I’m Amaya, by the way. Were you going to introduce us, Ava? She’s told us nothing about you, but we did ask her who the hot guy was that she kept staring at as you passed by in the hall way. It’s good to know she’s not a stalker.”
“Hi Amaya, it’s so nice to meet you. And you’re Syd right? We’ve had some classes together.”
“Yes, nice to offically meet you Penn!”
“And I’m Gloria,” she said quietly, joining the group. “All the freshmen girls have a huge crush on you, by the way. They’ll be bummed to learn your dating one of the prettiest girls in school.” Ava blushed and shook her head no.
“Ugh please,” said Amaya, “we all know it. Penn knows it. Those horrible old friends of yours know it, that’s why they are jealous of hell of you.”
Ava smiled as Penn hugged her close and kissed the top of her head.
“Oh God, you two are so cute it’s making me nauseated. We’ll see you guys tomorrow!” Syd said as the three of them left together down the hall.
“I’m more than just a pretty face, you know,” joked Ava.
“I know, I don’t date no dumbos!” Ava laughed and hugged him from the side. She had missed him so much these past months.

The girls spent the next few weeks working hard in Model UN and sitting together in Economics in the front row, as close to Mr. Scott as they could get. Amaya constantly fluffed her long curly mane as Syd dreamily stared at his pleated pants. When Ava wasn’t hanging onto his every word she glanced over at her friends and tried not to laugh at them. Penn would text her often to make sure she wasn’t checking out Mr. Scott to hard.

“Hope his button-down is wrinkled and he forgot to shave again today.”
“Ah, that will only fuel our fire of thinking about him in bed last night.”
“Dear God! High school girl hormones might be worse than guys.”
“Yeah right. The comments that have been made about Ms. Sommers…”
“Not by me! She purposely wears those low cut shirts to feel wanted by teenage boys. It’s disturbing.”
“You’re right, Mrs. Whitaker is more your type.”
“Got me there, she’s a real curvy woman. She’s got nothing on you though.”
“Tell that to Mr. Scott for me, will you?”
“Oh my god.”
“hahaha, text you after class.”
Ava smiled down at her phone as Mr. Scott continued class. It was a thought-provoking, highly participatory class as usual. Somehow he got everyone to speak up in class, even the most introverted of the introverts. He’d won teacher of the year three separate times, it was no wonder he inspired Ava to start looking into colleges with strong Economics programs. She couldn’t help but feel something like contentment surrounded by her friends and listening to her favorite teacher lecture. She felt like she had finally found a place of her own in school, and didn’t want to think about it ending in just a little over a year.

Chapter 25

A few weeks into February, Jacklyn’s facility sent Ava an email with the date next week she needed to be picked up. All Ava knew was she hadn’t been kicked out and had stayed for the full duration of her treatment, which must mean something good. She couldn’t wait to hear about it and see what her plans were next.
As always, there was a collective “awww” when the bell rang to end Mr. Scott’s class. The girls packed up their things and started to head out when Mr. Scott asked Ava to stay after for a minute. The girls all made jealous faces at her, squinting their eyes and making threatening motions behind Mr. Scott’s back. They smiled and waved when Mr. Scott looked their way.
“What’s up, Mr. Scott?” Ava asked nervously, hoping she hadn’t failed the most recent assignment.
“Penn stopped by class to talk to me earlier today. He said you were thinking about majoring in economics and thought maybe I’d be a good resource for you. Is that so?”
Ava was nervous, never having been alone with him before. He was more human up close, you could see the fine lines on his forehead and the gray hair that peppered his dark hair. He was even more handsome up close.
“Yeah. I mean Yes. I-I think behavioral economy captures my interest more than most subjects.”
“Well, we haven’t gotten to know each other much yet in this past couple of weeks but I’ve loved the contributions you’ve made so far. It seems like you’ve done a lot of observing of human behavior, more than a lot of students have.”
Ava laughed to herself and smiled. She liked his unassuming personality, giving time for people to speak up without interrupting their thought process.
“You could say I’ve done a lot of that in the past year, yes.”
“That’s wonderful. I’m happy to be a reference for you, please keep contributing in class and receiving the marks you have been. I know it’s hard for students to ask for a reference, but Penn doesn’t seem to have that problem at all. I’m excited to hear your thoughts on some upcoming topics we’ll cover. I have extra reading material too if you’re interested?”
“Sure, I’d love too, it, I mean, yes, please!”
Mr. Scott studied his massive bookshelf and picked out a few books with battered covers he had obviously read dozens of times.
“These are some of my favorites, clearly. I think they’ll be a good start for you, plus if you love them, then you know you’re on the right track for choosing a major. We can discuss the books when you’re finished if you’d like to write up questions and a summary of what you thought.”
“That sounds great, Mr. Scott. Thank you so much for taking the time out to talk with me, I’m glad Penn has no fear of asking for anything.”
“Me too, but Ava? You’re capable of speaking up too. I’ve heard you, and I want to hear more. Don’t doubt yourself. It doesn’t do you any good, but worse, it doesn’t do good for others in the room who need to hear your perspective. I’ll see you tomorrow Ava, thanks for staying after.”
Ava thanked him again and read the descriptions on the back of the books as she walked out to the hall. She nearly ran into Amaya, Syd, Gloria, and Penn who were standing in front of her locker.
“Jesus! Don’t you people have somewhere to be!?” Ava asked, not expecting a crowd to greet her.
“Are you having an affair?” Penn asked, crossing his arms and jokingly looking down his nose at her.
“You KNOW Mr. Scott is my man!” said Syd, popping her hip out and looking pissed.
“Oh my god, you all are nuts. Penn, you are the reason for the alleged affair.”
“I knew it. My pants just aren’t pleated enough for you.”
Ava shook her head. “No, you care about my future too much. He wants to be a reference for me.”
“Damn, I thought we were really going to have a scandal on our hands,” said Syd in disappointment.
“No offense, Penn, but I always thought Ava Scott sounded great.” Amaya joked.
“Damn, Ava Mathews really doesn’t sound as good. You’re right.” Penn sighed, walking off dramatically.
“Oh get back here so I can tell you thank you!.” Ava yelled down the hall.
“I will do no such thing! You must chase after me, as I am the damsel in distress this time.”
Ava smiled hugely and looked up at the ceiling, loving her crazy friends and boyfriend. She grabbed her coat out of her locker
“I don’t know what I’ve gotten myself into. I’ll see you girls tomorrow!”
They all waved as she already started chasing after Penn, he caught her waist as she turned the corner as he spun her around and kissed her.
“I’m so proud of you.”
“For what? You’re the one who asked him.”
“Yeah, but you should hear what he said about you. He thinks you’re brilliant and loves reading your papers. He couldn’t be more excited to geek out with another Economics lover.”
“Thank you, Penn. Really. And I think we are much better this way.”
Penn kissed her again, making it last longer than the last.
“You really are a brilliant girl.”
Ava smiled into his shoulder, hugging him until he grabbed her hand to walk down the stairs and out into the parking lot. Lately, they had been driving out to the Lookout often, even in the freezing winter cold to talk, eat, and make out sometimes. She loved these moments with Penn when he was all hers, not buried in a book or talking to a teacher or cooking with his mom. He wasn’t a student or a son when they were here together, he was just hers. And he was everything she never knew she needed. He is what was missing, or maybe that isn’t right. He was the person she needed to find the pieces of her that were missing.
Ava had been thinking more about how they most likely wouldn’t go to college together, what with Penn looking to double major in English and History to become a professor just like his parents. He would go to some fantastic Ivy League, and Ava was looking into smaller schools with good Economics programs. She knew she shouldn’t think about it, that it was far away. But she also knew it was inevitable. Soon all of her new friends and Penn would be spread out aross the country. Ava knew she was stronger than she’d ever been, but she didn’t want to think about a time when all the people that supported her would be far away.
She looked up at Penn from the shoulder her head was resting on. He looked so serene as he could finally relax when Ava and he decided to be more than friends. But where his anxiety eased, hers heightened. Her life was changed for the better because of this person, when he walked in things began to take shape. What would happen when they went their separate ways? Penn looked down at her at that moment, kissed her forehead and settled his cheek there. He was hers, for now, Ava thought, and that had to be enough.

Chapter 25-

Ava could barely contain her excitement as she drove to pick up Jackie. She couldn’t wait to hear all about rehab, and wondered if Jackie could share much at all. She wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but she knew was she was thrilled to see her sister sober for the first time in years.
Ava nervously drummed her fingers on the steering wheel along to the radio, not actually listening to what was playing. The music was down low, just low enough to calm her nerves. Pulling up to the plain brick building she saw her sister on the steps, bags packed, foot excitedly tapping the concrete. Ava ran out of her car to engulf Jacklyn in a huge hug. The two of them nearly toppled over on the sidewalk.
“AHHHHHHH, I’m so freakin’ excited to have someone I love to talk too. You have to fill me in on your life, Ava. And don’t let me coax you into stopping for cigarettes. I feel so great but I miss nicotene!” Jackie rambled on and on as Ava helped her with her bags and got into the car.
“You look the best I’ve seen you in a long time, Jack. Like, even in high school you didn’t glow this way.”
“I know, right!?! They had us working out, doing yoga, eating healthy, going to therapy. It was amazing. As hard as the detox was, and the cravings are still, it was like summer camp. You remember summer camp when we were younger don’t you? Like a paradise every single summer. Nothing could touch us there. That’s how I feel. Untouchable.”
Ava was incredibly happy for Jackie but had a strong feeling that going home to their bitter, uncommunicative mother wasn’t going to help things. Plus, Jackie really didn’t have big plans for her life now that rehab was over. This seemed like another high for Jackie, becoming sober, and Ava was afraid of the crash once she came back to reality.
“So, have you heard from Dad? Wait, let me guess. I’m going to go with no, right?”
“Not exactly. His new girlfriend or whatever the hell she is should be due soon. He had the nerve, or she did, to send an announcement card to the house. I found it before Mom did, thank god.”
“Welp that answers my question about Mom. As miserable as ever is she?”
“Maybe the most miserable she’s ever been. Mac and I buy all the groceries, have all the bills on autopay now and rehired the house cleaner to come every other week so we’re doing fine. Mom did go back to work this week, I think one of the partners may have threatened to fire her. She’s been working long hours again, we barely see her at all.
“Shit. Well. Have you guys talked much about Dad leaving?”
“When I see her, which I do on Sundays occasionally, she’ll nod at me and acknowledge my presence, but, no. That’s about it.”
“What the actual fuck. This is borderline fucking neglect.”
“I know, but we have a shit ton of money still, so I don’t think it quite counts.”
“Just the most selfish fucking people on planet earth, you know that? I mean, maybe not the earth, but Jesus, people. How’s Mac holding up?”
“He’s fine, I think. Seems unphased and continues to be his usual, clever, happy, observant self. He missed you a ton and can’t wait to see you. He had a basketball practice today that he couldn’t miss but he’ll be home later tonight. We spend every dinner together and get ice cream once a week. I love him so much. He doesn’t mind being the third wheel with Penn and I either some nights.”
“Wait, does that mean?! No… Yes?? Penn?” Jackie whipped around quickly in her seat to stare at Ava.
Ava smiled widely and nodded.
“Hell yeah! I knew it. I wish a guy ever looked at me that way. Maybe a nice guy did at some point, but I didn’t want any of that back then. So, how is it going?”
“It’s been amazing, Jack. I hate to say it because I’ll probably jinx it but, it’s been perfect.”
“Aw, you guys make me sick. Did you bang yet?”
“Not quite. Touchy subject.”
“He’s not judging you for shit in the past is he?”
“Not Penn, never. More I’m scared for it to mean something, you know? If it means something, and it will, I don’t want to know what will resurface. What if I hate myself?”
“Oh Ava, you shouldn’t. I know you might anyway but, you shouldn’t.”
“I know. Part of me just wonders though, what happens after this? If this is as good as it feels like it can get, then what? What about college? What happens if I lose my best friend?”
“I don’t know if I’m the best person to give advice, I mean shit, I just got out of rehab, but just take it one day at a time Ave. You guys will figure it out, or life will figure it out for you. You guys weren’t ever going to be just friends, even I could see that. But you’ll have other best friends, you’ll maybe have other boyfriends, but that doesn’t make you guys less special. You’re happening now. Let it happen.”
“Wow, rehab made you very, very wise.”
“Glad all that money really paid off, right?”
They pulled up to the driveway to see Mac on the sidewalk waiting excitedly for Jack. He ran to open up her door.
“Jackie! You look so great! I want to hear about everything, er, well, whatever you can tell me!”
“I thought you were supposed to be at practice,” Ava asked him suspiciously.
“I couldn’t wait, I don’t mind getting in trouble! I missed you so much Jackie!”
Jackie hugged Mac so tightly Ava couldn’t help but admire the two of them. She was flummoxed on how they all ended up so great, able to form deep relationships with one another, even though their parents never could. The trio walked into the house together with big grins, until all of their gazes rested upon their mother at the counter, a grave look on her face. They froze in the entryway.
“Hey Mom,” said Jackie, hoping for some sort of a welcome.
“I think the three of you should sit down. I need to speak to you about an urgent matter,” their mother said, as formal as ever.
They exchanged bewildered looks and sat down on the couch, arms linked together for support.
“What’s going on Mom?” Mac asked, trying to sound as sincere as possible.
“Your Father called. Your half-sister was born today, but there were complications. The child is diagnosed with Down Syndrome.” The look on their Mom’s face bordered on disgust.
Panda jumped up on Ava’s lap, sensing the tension.
“Okay, but otherwise the child is healthy, right? Down Syndrome isn’t a death sentence mom, she is still a human,” said Jackie
“Yes, but your father and step-whatever-she-is, or I for that matter, wouldn’t have kept a child if they knew it would be born such a deformity.”
“Are you being serious right now?” Jackie was up on her feet, about to lunge at her mother.
“Calm down Jackie. You have a temper just like your father. They’ve decided to keep the child after much debate, but our financial situation might change.”Their mother had said “the child” like an alien had become part of their family.
“Since the child will require a fair amount of financial support, we’ve agreed that I will be the sole supporter of our family and he will no longer provide us with any sort of-“
“Any sort of support whatsoever, is that what you mean?” Ava stood up by her sister, arms crossed, face red with fury.
“I’m not sure why you all are too upset, I think we’ll be able to keep the house. We’ll just have to be wiser on other things.”
“We don’t give a crap about money Mom! Do we get to meet our baby sister?” asked Mac.
“I just don’t think that would be wise, Mac. Your father seems to want to keep his families separate.”
“Fuck him, I think we deserve to get to know our sister. Our sister who they felt was a fucking option to keep. Narcissistic shitheads are what both of you are. I’m back from god damn rehab, by the way, Mom, did you notice?“ Jackie was fuming. "Thank you for noticing my addiction problems and caring enough to ask about them when they started 7 years ago. I’m going to go call our asshole of a father so we can see our beautiful baby sister. Let me know when you become a mother capable of showing any sort of affection for your children. And thank GOD, we aren’t physically disabled in any sort of way, how embarrassing would that be for our perfect family. Which, in case you haven’t noticed, is a fucking WRECK! We’re all fucked up because of you and Dad!” Jacklyn stormed up the stairs, fists clenched, and slammed her door loudly as possible. Mac looked down at his hands, still sitting on the couch. Ava tried one last time to make amends with her Mom.
“Mom, can you please talk to her? I’m sure she missed you like crazy in rehab. She really wants to support you after everything happened with Dad.”
“Ava, she’s being dramatic. I’m trying to support this family the way I think is most necessary, which is providing you with everything you need.”
“Mom, we need you right now. We need you to be our Mom.” Mac said quietly.
“I’m sorry I’m an apparent disappointment to the three of you, but this is all I have. I loved your father deeply and he left us all. I don’t want anything to do with him any longer. Or his family. We are his family first, but he never wanted to be part of it. I’m sorry, I can’t do more than I’m doing. This is what I can give to you.” Her tone was finalizing. She turned and walked up the stairs, quietly shutting her door behind her.
It was then Ava felt the full force of reality, how her mother had once loved fearlessly but had been abused by their father’s manipulative ways until she had no more to give. Ava turned to her brother and hugged him tight for a moment before kissing his forehead. She too walked up to her bedroom for the night, closing her door. She figured Jackie could use space and time after what happened. As she lay down, Panda curling around her head, she saw she missed two calls from Penn. She couldn’t bring herself to call him back. Not tonight. There were some things he would never understand.

Chapter 26 -

Ava was shaken awake in the middle of the night to Penn loudly whispering her name.
"Ava, wake up. Ava. What is going on?”
“Jesus Penn, what time is it?
"You weren’t answering my calls. I had your brother’s number so he let me in. I know something is wrong, you need to tell me what’s going on.”
“It’s four fucking am Penn, why didn’t you just wait to talk to me in the morning?”
“Because I want to be here for you. And I don’t want you shutting me out like this.”
“Ugh, get in here.” Ava threw back her covers and rolled over to let him spoon her. He threw of his shoes, slipped in and wrapped his arms around her, breathed into her hair.
“Are you going to talk to me?”
“Now? Just be with me, Penn. I can’t talk about it right now.”
Ava acted like she fell back asleep but instead tears rolled down her face as she let herself be held, and more importantly, loved. She envied Penn for his relationship with his Mother, but she knew she was lucky to have him. A smile broke through her tears as she heard his breath deepen and drift to sleep. She imagined they were years older, together thousands of miles away from all of this.
They woke up groggily and annoyed as both of their phone alarms went off at the same time. After reaching over one another to turn them off, Ava ended up on top of him. She covered her mouth as Penn tried to kiss her.
“Oh god no, we are not making out with morning breath. I refuse.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad.”
Ava pinched her nose as Penn yawned in her face.
“Oh, but it is that bad! Come on, I’ll get you a toothbrush.”
“Will your Mom freak out that I’m here?”
“Honestly? I don’t give a fuck, and she probably gives less of one.”
“So… it’s that bad?”
“Worse.”
Ava walked Penn to the bathroom and they brushed their teeth together, stealing glances at eachother and giggling as they spit toothpaste into the sink.
“Alright, now you can kiss me.”
Penn held Ava at the waist and started to kiss her when Jacklyn entered in behind them.
“It’s a little early for that, you two. At least wait until after breakfast.”
Penn blushed a deep shade of red while Ava threw her head back and laughed.
“Jack, I’ll catch up with you after school, okay? Has she left yet?”
“Yeah she left earlier than usual, I assume to avoid us for the rest of her lives by working endlessly at the office.”
“Great, glad we are all thinking through things and trying to work it out.”
“Well Ave, I think she’s thought them through and for her, this is all worked out.”
Ava shook her head and gave her sis a half hug before heading back to her room to finish getting ready.
“Are you going to wear your sweatpants to school, then?” Ava asked Penn.
“I mean, I don’t know why not. Every athlete in school looks like this every day anyway.”
“You’re so right. I think you look much better than any of them though.”
Penn grabbed her waist and held her close to him.
“You really think so?”
“Duh, why else would I let you sleep over?”
They kissed again before Penn glanced at his phone and told her to hurry up. He tried to get more out of her about what happened the night before but she didn’t feel like talking about it.
Throughout the school day, Ava was distracted well enough by her friends and Penn, but she couldn’t help feeling a bit off. No matter how much Penn caught her eye and smiled, and how many hot dad jokes her friends made about Mr. Scott, it couldn’t distract her from the fact that her life as she knew it was completely changed.
As Ava stood up to leave Mr. Scott called her over to his desk.
“Hey Ava, I thought of you at the career fair the other day. I noticed you weren’t there but I wanted to grab these packets for you. These schools both have excellent economics programs that I think you have a great chance of getting into. I’ll help you as much as I can, there are applications in the folders and I’ll give you great recommendations. I really think you should apply for them sooner rather than later, they do take notice of students who take the time to apply early.”
“Wow, I uh, yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I was trying to research schools but it wasn’t going well, so thank you. Honestly, thank you, Mr. Scott.”
Ava walked out of the classroom in a daze, skimming through the packets Mr. Scott had selected for her. Penn put an arm around her and looked down at the papers.
“Did Mr. Scott give you those? I knew he would love to help you out. That’s so cool Ava.”
“Yeah, but Penn, these are both Midwest schools. Have you thought about that? There’s no way you’ll go to school in the Midwest. We both know you’re headed for the West Coast.”
“I mean, yeah, of course, I want to go to Stanford but who knows if I’ll get in.‘
"You’ll get in Penn. You know you will.”
“Yeah, well, we will figure out when we get there won’t we?”
“Sure, I guess.” Ava was beyond frustrated Penn wouldn’t discuss the future with her. “I’m going to go to the coffee shop after school to look these over a little more.”
“You sure? I thought we were going to hang.”
“Yeah, maybe later, okay?”
Penn looked confused like he knew he had done something wrong but wasn’t sure what. “Of course. Yeah, you really should look those packets over. Let me know if I can do anything to help.”
“Yep, I’ll let you know. See you later.” Ava said shortly and turned to head towards the parking lot before Penn could properly kiss her goodbye. She knew had she left him standing alone in the hallway, watching her leave, but this wouldn’t be the first time he’d avoid the college talk. He knew very well where he was going after graduation, and Ava didn’t want to ignore it for the next year.

The coffee shop was slow, the temperature already well below freezing outside with a violent wind ripping its way through the town. Ava tore off her coat as the hot air blasted her upon entry to the coffee shop. She sat down in her favorite chair and started going through the packets. Mr. Scott hand-selected the University of Chicago and Vanderbilt for Ava to apply too. She took time to pour over the program information, picturing herself as a smiling face on their brochure. The more she imagined herself in college, she saw a single version of herself, determined, surrounded by friends, and damn it if she wasn’t happier and more content than she’d ever been. She felt it in her gut as much as Penn likely had, their chances of staying together after school was slim to none. She understood why he didn’t want to try to date. Thinking about losing Penn was more than she could handle.
She completed both applications and would ask Mr. Scott for a recommendation the next time she had a chance. She’d also ask her UN teacher and her volleyball coach. She took a deep breath as she opened the coffee shop door to head home. She never knew what would erupt there next.
She found Mac sitting on the couch, watching a dumb movie. Ava plopped down next to him.
“Hows it goin, kiddo?”
“Oh, you know, great as always. How are you holding up?”
“I’m holding up. Filled out some college apps this afternoon.”
“When you leave you’ll take me with you right?”
“I wish I could. But man it sounds nice to get the heck out of here, you know?”
“Oh, I know. Did you tell Penn where you are applying?”
“Kind of. I don’t think it’s going to be anywhere near him, that’s for sure.”
“Well, that sucks. But you guys are just in high school. As much as I love the guy, you’ve got to go do what’s best for you.”
“You always amaze me, Mac. You’re going to steal all the girl’s hearts here soon. Where’s Jack?”
“I think she went out to look for a job?”
“Wow, that’s unexpected. I thought she was supposed to be looking into local colleges to go too?”
“She told me the college route wasn’t for her.”
“Welp, it didn’t go well for her the first time”
“That’s what I said.”
Ava and Mac shared a laugh before she went upstairs to lay down and give Penn a call.
“Hey, Ave! What are you up too?” Penn asked excitedly, a little too enthused.
“Oh you know, just got back from-”
“Ava, you won’t believe what happened today.”
“What’s that?”
“I think you should come over.”
“Is everything okay?”
“No, I mean yes! it’s great news actually, well, kind of great. I’ll tell you when you get here. See you soon!”
Ava felt her heart sink deep into her chest. Whatever this was, she had a feeling it wasn’t going to be great for her.

SPRING

Color
rises to
Earth’s surface.
Can you smell it?
New beginnings.
Yet, somehow,
I always forget -
your world
has a life
of its own.

Chapter 27 -

“Ava, you won’t believe it!”
Ava was taken aback by the practically giddy Penn and Jana as she walked through their front door.
“What won’t I believe?”
“Should I tell her Penn, or should you. Oh, I think you should!” Jana clapped while jumping up and down. Penn nervously paced around the room.

“Sure. Sure. Ava. Do you want to sit down? Take your coat and shoes off? Here, here let me help you.” Penn said nervously.
Ava attempted to look excited for whatever news was to come but wanted to run right back out the door instead. She slowly sat down on the couch, the same couch she had enjoyed laughing on with Jana so many times. Where she had some wonderful makeout sessions with Penn as well. She slowly looked up at two of her favorite people, waiting for them to deliver their exciting news. Penn sat down next to her, took her hands in his and faced her.
“Ava, my Mom got a really amazing job over that she can’t pass up. And I- and you for that matter- would never want her too. You won’t believe where it is!”
“Okay… can you just tell me?”
“Stanford!” Jana piped up, giggling. “Ava, this has been my dream job, for, well, forever! And if Penn gets into the school we get an excellent discount, and oh, I still can’t believe it! I can’t believe it!
Ava tried to disguise her complete disappointment with a pasted-on smile. She was frozen to the cushion, devastated.
"Wow, that’s, uh, that’s so amazing. That’s, really something.” She thought she heard herself say.
Ava held back tears as she watched Penn beam at his mother. It would always be the two of them, together. While she tried to hide from her own family and become part of theirs, they would move on without her. They were incredible, and they deserved the best. She stood up and gave Jana a huge hug.
“You earned this Jana. You will be absolutely incredible. And Penn will get to go to his dream school and be close to you. I’m so happy for the both of you.” Her words sounded oddly cordial.
Penn joined in on the hug as they sat down for dinner to talk more about it. They both asked about Ava’s day but she didn’t say much, just smiled and chimed in when she could. She felt dazed throughout the meal, not sure what words came out of her mouth.
“You’ll stick around a while after dinner, right Ava?” Jana asked.
“I would love too, but I think I’m going to head home early tonight if that’s okay?”
“Of course! I know your sister is home now and I’m sure it’s exciting to have her back. Penn walk her out will you?”
“Mom, I always do that.”
Penn continued to try to ask more about the applications and her day as he walked her into the freezing cold. Ava evaded each one as she ran to her car, attempting to lock the doors before Penn slipped into the passenger seat.
“Ava, you can’t keep avoiding me. We have a lot we have to talk about.”
Ava looked straight ahead, hoping he would leave her be.
“I get it. It’s a lot. Whatever happened at your house last night, and now this. And college applications on your mind. It’s a lot.”
“Three months, Penn.”
“What?”
“Your Mom said you leave the week after school is over. We have three months.”
“Yeah. Wow. I guess I didn’t think about it like that.”
They sat in a long, unbreakable silence. Ava felt her lip tremble but didn’t dare let Penn see her hurt. She spoke up to distract herself.
“I knew you were going to leave for the West Coast at some point Penn but I thought we had more time. More time to be more than friends, to walk the hallways with each other, to just be you and me. More time to try to get Darron to like me. To try to claim your Mom as my own.”
“You know she’d be okay with that. She loves you so much. Ava, I don’t know what to say. You know how much I care about you, and I won’t stop being friends with you.”
“But we stopped being friends, didn’t we? When we became you and me, we stopped being friends.”
“I tried to stop that from happening, you were too persistent.” Ava half smiled at that.
“I know what I want.”
“That’s the thing, Ava, I’m not worried about you. You may have felt like a mess when I first met you, but you’re so much more put together than you know. You’re strong, independent and intelligent. You just had to see that for yourself, and I know you do now. You’re going to do phenomenal things your last year of school, and we will stay in touch as much as possible.”
“Yeah, but deep down I wish you could stay.”
“Yeah, me too, a little bit. I feel guilty for being so excited.”
“You shouldn’t, this is everything you guys could ever want.”
“Until I wanted you.”
“Ah, such a romantic.”
Ava finally turned to look at Penn, saw his eyes were watery and leaned in to kiss him. Once again a taste of salt played on their lips as they said one of their first last goodbyes.

Chapter 28 -

Months passed quickly into weeks, and into days, with each minute spent with Penn as much as possible. They tried out every restaurant in town on their list and visited their favorite Chinese place once a week. Ava spent late nights and even slept over a few at Penn’s, while he did the same at hers. They rarely spent time apart. Ava eventually told Penn about her new sister who she wasn’t allowed to meet and her Mother who had basically decided she didn’t want to be much of one anymore.
Not much had happened on the homefront besides Jacklyn getting a job at a local tattoo shop as the receptionist, which for some reason seemed like the perfect job for her. They paid her well-enough since rich kids liked to spend a lot of money to piss their parents off. She had some great stories to tell about kids she used to go to high school with, and some Ava went to school with now.
Mr. Scott had written her excellent recommendations and Ava would turn her applications in the fall. She still hadn’t told Penn much about the schools and didn’t want too until she was sure she had gotten accepted. Hell, she wasn’t even sure they would still be together by then.
When May showed up Ava couldn’t believe their time was down to just four more weeks. It was downright painful to kiss Penn goodnight each night knowing their time was so close to over. They avoided talking about the inevitable move and instead Penn did his best to distract her by testing her knowledge for her upcoming Model UN Conference.
“What’s the current GDP of Norway?”
“Penn, I don’t really care.”
“You have to know the basic facts!”
“Really, I know enough. I’m prepared. You’ve been prepping me for months.”
“I just want you to rock this. I don’t want Amaya to graduate and hate you for being the reason you blew it at her last conference.”
“Amaya knows I’m prepared! She has faith in me, unlike you.”
“Oh, of course, I have faith in you, Ava.”
“Yeah? Well, then can we talk about ANYTHING else?”
“Okay, okay. How is your Mom doing lately?”
“Ughhhh, anything but that!”
“Come on Ava, you need to talk about these things.”
Ava rolled her eyes and got up to shut her bedroom door. Her Mom would be home any minute.
“She’s…fine. I don’t know. She works 15 hour days and has taken the bills back over. I think she got a raise because she hasn’t mentioned money since my Dad decided to cut us off.”
“Well, that’s good? I guess?”
“I don’t know. I just feel bad for Mac. After I leave to go to college I just don’t know what he’s going to do. I know he’ll be a sophomore in high school and can take care of himself, but, I don’t know. I hate thinking that I will have to leave him.”
“So, you think you are for sure going to go away for college?”
“You know I don’t want to talk about that.”
“But, you have too eventually tell me, right?”
Ava paused, looked out her bedroom window. She felt a surge of anger in her chest and knew this wasn’t going anywhere good.
“Sure I will Penn, right when you tell me your plans for us when you move in less than a month!” Ava still wouldn’t make eye contact.
“Ava… you know I’m struggling with this. I’m just thinking through our options.”
“Our options, Penn? WHAT OPTIONS? You leave and we’re over, right?”
Penn got up from the bed, slowly to approach Ava across the room.
“Is that what you want?”
“No Penn, of course, it’s not what I want. But I know you. You’re going to do what’s best for us, won’t you?”
“Well- I’m trying Ava I don’t know what to say.”
“But you do know, don’t you? You’re going to ask us to be friends, just like you always did. Because it’s easier that way, isn’t it?”
“Ava, don’t act like there’s a better solution to this. If you want to try to stay together, then let’s try to stay together.”
Ava brewed silently with Penn helplessly looking at her, as if searching for the right answer.
“I don’t want this to be over Penn.”
“Neither do I.”
“So what do we do?”
“Maybe we let time decide.”
Ava had never hated any answer more than that.

CH 29

The day of the Model UN Conference Ava told Penn not to come. She would be too nervous with him there, watching her so closely the way he always had. They hadn’t talked much since that night about Penn moving, and with it only two weeks away she couldn’t bare the thought of it.
“Alright girls, ready to crush it?!” Amaya was glowing with excitement. Her graduation night was next weekend and she was just ready to give this last conference her all.
“Yeah girl, let’s give 'em hell!” Syd had grown out her hair so the blue only showed now at the tips. She was turning into a real nerd-magnet and Ava couldn’t be happier about the sweet guy she had started dating.
“Don’t be nervous Ava! This is only my second one, but once you get up there it’s a rush and happens so fast. You’re going to do great!” Gloria, always sweet and positive, had turned into Ava’s closest friend, though she wouldn’t admit that to the other girls. It was always her she turned too, outside of her sister, to talk about her parents and new half-sister she still had yet to meet. Gloria always knew just what to say.
The four girls waited for their turn to be called, and as soon as they stepped onto the stage Ava could hardly breathe. Hundreds of eyes were on her, and the thought of having to talk in front of them shook her to the core.
“Ava, Ava, are you okay?” Amaya grabbed her arm.
“Fine, fine, I just…” Ava froze again when she looked back into the audience. She couldn’t move. Gloria put an arm around her, encouraged her that it was all going to be okay, she just needed to get to her seat. But Ava’s feet were stuck to the ground. She could feel the audience start to whisper.
“Shit, is she going to be able to do this?” Syd looked genuinely concerned.
A voice she recognized to well came from the front row.
“You got this Ava! We love you!” Jana and Penn stood on their feet, about to rush the stage. The sight of them brought a huge smile to her face, and she realized for the thousandth time how lucky she was to have them in her life, and just how much she would miss them.
She gave a curt wave and walked to her seat to sit between the girls. Before she knew it they were given their topic and off they went. Ava nearly forgot the crowd was there once the conversation got going, and by the end of it she was the one, along with Amaya, to create the final resolution. In what seemed like minutes the audience was clapping and their turn was over.
“Oh my GOD AVA that was freaking amazing!” Syd gushed as they walked back to their seats. “Like, Amaya, we expected you to do awesome because you always are, but Ava we didn’t know you had that in you.”
Ava smiled and told the other girls she couldn’t have done it without them.
“If it weren’t for you guys there’s no way I could have done that. You are each so incredible and I’m lucky to have you as my friends. Amaya, I’m going to die without you around next year.”
“Honestly, I’m feeling better leaving this group in your girls’ hands after this. I’m going to miss it, but I need some damn space away from my family!” They all giggled together before Penn and Jana made their way to Ava.
“Ava, you were FANTASTIC! Oh my goodness, you are so talented. I can’t wait to see what you do as an adult.” Jana gushed, enwrapping her in a hug. She stepped aside to give her and Penn a second alone.
“You were amazing Ava, just amazing. I know it’s cheesy but I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks, Penn, I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Of course you could have. You would have done it eventually. Just needed some encouragement.”
“I needed you.”
Penn nodded, a little distant, and Ava just caught the look of sorrow he gave to his Mom as he stepped away from Ava. Ava tried to call out to him but she was swept away by Syd to go out to dinner with the group. She tried to catch Penn’s eye but he was deep in conversation with Jana, and whatever they were talking about did not look pleasant.

At dinner, Ava tried to stay present but just couldn’t. She made an excuse to the girls that she wasn’t feeling well and stepped out into the parking lot to get some air. She tried calling Penn several times but he wouldn’t answer. What was going on? She paced back and forth, imagining the worse, when her phone buzzed in her hand.
“Why weren’t you picking up?”
“Calm down Ava, nothing is wrong. I was just hanging out with Darren.”
“Oh. He’s in town?”
“Yep, just for the night. Surprised me by coming in, he is going away for the summer so this is his last night to see me until he goes.”
“Ok, great. Great! Well, I guess I’ll let you enjoy your night.”
“Thanks Ava! We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“Love yo-” but Penn had already hung up the phone.

Since Ava’s classes required mostly papers, her final day of Junior year had come. She would finish up the last hour with Mr. Scott and walk out of school an official senior. It was a weird feeling, but the knot in her stomach was knowing a hard conversation with Penn was lurking around the corner, just waiting to jump out and bite her.
Mr. Scott’s final was relatively easy for Ava, basic economics had become a breeze for her, she was ready for a challenge and couldn’t wait to take his Advanced level class next year. She turned in her test first and gave Mr. Scott a high five and a smile, so glad to have found a teacher that believed in her enough to help her plan her future. She waited outside for Amaya and Syd to finish, and half expected Penn to be there as usual, but he wasn’t. She acted like it didn’t bother her, but another knot formed in her throat.
Amaya and Syd got out at about the same time, and they all hugged one another tight. Amaya had a packed schedule until graduation, and would be leaving to visit family for the rest of the summer. Syd was going to art camp for the next month, and Gloria had already left for Europe the day before. It was going to be a very lonely summer for Ava, but she tried to act like it didn’t bother her.
“So, what are you and Penn going to do? I have to know.”
“Girl, I still don’t know.”
“You guys are going to try to make it work, right?”
“I really don’t know, but I’ll text you both okay? Don’t forget about me back here, alone in ”“.”
“At least you’ll have Mac, and your sis.”
“That’s true. Well, this is it for now girls. I love you both so much.” They squeezed one another tight and headed to their cars, Ava hiding her tears until she got to her car, where they fell in quick drops onto her steering wheel. Ava figured it was more of a time than ever to talk with Penn. It was a day for emotional things and Ava needed to get it all out. She drove to Penn’s house and nearly screamed when she saw the moving truck in the driveway. There was Penn, sweaty and golden, moving a couch into the truck with Darren. This is why she hadn’t heard much from him in the past couple days.
“Hey guys, need some help!?” Penn nearly dropped the couch when he saw Ava. Darren rolled his eyes.
“Got a problem, Darren?”
“Picked a fine time to show up!”
“Well, if you hadn’t been hoarding my boyfriend I would have been around to help sooner.”
“Well, it looks like he didn’t really want your help then.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, you two. Let’s put down this couch, Ava my Mom is inside making dinner if you want to see her.” Ava glared at Darren and made her way inside. Jana greeted her with slightly less enthusiasm than usual, but Ava tried not to notice.
“You know Ava, I want you to know, whatever happens, I’ll always love you you know that?”
“Are you breaking up with me for Penn?”
“No NEVER! Never. Why, did you guys talk?” Ava was infuriated, but hid it under her cool outer layers.
“No. Not yet.”
“Okay well, do you want dinner?”
“No, Jana. I’m fine. I’m not hungry.”
“Okay honey, well, I’m happy to make you something-” Penn walked in, Ava could smell the sweat from across the room.
“It appears we need to talk, Penn.” Penn glared over Ava’s shoulder at Jana, but Jana acted like she was very busy stirring something on the stove.
“Okay, well, I was hoping we could out to dinner tonight or something but I guess it’s happening now.” Penn walked back to his bedroom and gestured for her to follow. He stripped off his t-shirt and threw it to the ground. Ava sat on his bed and fingered the bedspread. She and Penn pretty much kept their clothes on around each other. Penn had a no below the belt rule because he didn’t believe in sex in high school. Ava figured it was probably for the best since her sexual experiences were not the highlight of her high school career. But looking at Penn sweaty and shirtless was enough to change her mind quick. She remembered why she was here pretty quickly though.
“Well Penn, something to tell me?”
“Ava, can’t this wait?
"You leave in less than a week- I’m done waiting.”
“I know but, Darren is-”
“I don’t give a shit about Darren.”
“Oh my god, well, what do you want me to say?”
“I want you to say it to my face Penn.”
“Say what?”
Ava stared at him, daring him to come clean with it all. She had known this was coming since the day he announced the move back in February.
“Say we’re over. Say it.” Ava could barely see beyond her fury.
“Ava, come on. You can’t just make me say it.”
“I want to hear it. Stop leading me on, avoiding the issue, ignoring me. Say we are done.”
“Ava, I can’t. We can still be fri-”
“IF YOU EVEN THINK WE ARE STILL GOING TO BE FRIENDS YOU’RE CRAZY!”
“This is what I was afraid of. I knew this was going to happen.”
“Well good fucking job Penn. You’re right. You were always right. How can you say you want to be just friends with me?”
“Because Ava, I want you in my life always. I’ll take friends if I can’t have you as my girlfriend.”
“Why wouldn’t you try long distance? Why would you say you would, and then so clearly not want too?”
“I’ve talked it through with my Mom, Ava. It’s just too much to put on us. We need to figure out our futures without letting the other one get in the way. You have things figured out, and I don’t want you to change plans because of me.”
“So this is it? We’re just, nothing?”
“I’d love to have you as a friend Ava. I really would.”
“I can’t do this shit again Penn. I love you too much for that. And I think I need to leave.”
“Ava- don’t-”
But it was too late. Ava was already out the door, regretting the whole way that her final goodbye to Penn, and to Jana, was nothing like she imagined it to be.

CH 30.

Next Summer

When the glow fades
what are we left with?
Sticky, intertwined
fingers,
sweet salty lips
pressed against a
sunburnt forehead.
Framed, here we are -
pieced together,
our place in time.

Darren invited Ava out to lunch to celebrate her graduation. A year ago, one week after Penn left, Darren showed up at her doorstep, staring down at his battered converse that so much reminded Ava of Penn. With his heart in his hands he apologized for being such a dick, and hoped Ava would give him a second chance at a friendship. With Penn gone, Darren figured they may have something to bond over. They spent nearly every weekend together, and while Ava refused to talk to Penn, though he texted often, it was solace enough to be close to Darren who reminded her more of herself than of Penn. It made sense why they didn’t get along at first, they were practically the same person.
Darren planned on attending a local community college in his hometown until he figured out what he wanted to do. It worked out well because Syd planned to do the same, and since the two of them had gotten quite close over the past year, the two of them were very happy.
It was a challenge at first to talk about anything other than Penn, and they usually fought when Darren gave his unsolicited advice to please call him, but Ava refused. After all, she was always all or nothing, and she would stick to her guns.
Ava had gotten into Washington University in St. Louis, (where did Amaya end up going??) and had managed to find a few scholarships thanks to Mr. Scott. She was excited, but very nervous. Ava walked into the chinese place and sat down with Syd and Darren. She had just recently gotten to a point where it didn’t remind her of Penn everytime she walked in.
“Hey lovebirds, did you order me the usual?”
“Yeah girl, I got you. Orange chicken with those crab rangoons, I wouldn’t forget.”
“That’s why you’re my girl, Syd!”
“So, how did your last Model UN Conference go, I was so bummed I had to work and couldn’t make it?"Darren asked, glancing up every few seconds at the door. Ava noticed, but tried not to let it bother her.
"Oh, you know, pretty great! I think it was one of our best, still miss Amaya but Gloria was more outspoken than ever. She’s going to be one of the best in the United States by the end of this. I’m sure she’ll get a full ride somewhere.”
“Yeah, I’m so jealous she’s visiting Peru this summer, she gets to go everwhere! While I’m stuck here watching my brother in his dance competitions every weekend!”
“Hey! I thought you were excited to hang out with me!?”
“Darren, I love you, but, it’d be nice to leave this state for once.”
“Speaking of another state, what up there California!”
Ava froze in her seat, not wanting to turn for fear of who was behind her. This could not be happening. No, she was not prepared for this. Her hair was chopped short and unstyled, she had thrown on an old tank and pair of Nike shorts. This was not how she pictured seeing him.
But yet, there he was, embracing Darren and Syd, like no time had passed. Like he hadn’t been absent for a year. Like there wasn’t a Penn size hole in her heart. She couldn’t get herself to move.
“Hey Ava.” Penn stood at the end of the table, tanner and happier than she had ever seen him. She wasn’t sure what killed her more, that he looked so good or that he glowed from the inside out. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat.
“He-Hey Penn. How are you?”
Daryn and Syd looked awkwardly at eachother. The server arrived carrying only two plates, Ava’s favorite meal, and Penn’s.
“Well, we uh, gotta get going right Syd?”
“Yeah, yeah, gotta, have, just, so much to do today! Foods on us, love ya girl!”
“I will kill you both!” Ava yelled as they sprinted out of the restaurant.
Penn sat down across from her, tried to look her in her averted eyes.
“Hey Ave- It’s so good to see you. You look, different. Beautiful as always don’t get me wrong, but different.”
Ava smiled, he still sounded like Penn. A bit awkward but always supremely genuine. It was one of her favorite parts of him. One of the many, many parts of him she forgot she missed so much. He was right, too. Ava had lobbed off her hair into a blunt bob and started dying it a warm brown.
“Yeah, I guess I thought it was time to replace the blonde that used to match Jackie’s hair so perfectly and do my own thing.”
“Yeah, it really suits you, how is Jackie doing?”
“Well, her hair is now a shade of dark purple, which serves her well as she was recently promoted to a tattoo artist. But she is doing incredible. She designs specifically for recovering alcoholics and drug addicts. She is so amazingly talented, and the happiest I’ve seen her. Her co-workers are all sober and go to meetings together, and make sure to keep Jackie out of trouble. It’s the closest thing to a real family she’s had. I live with her now, close to where your house used to be, in one of the apartment complexes.”
“I think Darren mentioned that. It sounds like you really love it there. And Mac, how’s my dude?”
“He’s so good, it was great to go to high school with him and look after him. He’s getting so handsome, I hate it. But he’s such a good guy. His friends are dorky but quirky in the best ways and I don’t think he will make near the mistakes Jackie and I did during our high school careers. He’s the best. I could already see Linds eyeing him, though she would never admit to liking a freshman.”
“Forgot about that bitch.”
“Well, she’s easily forgettable. Anyways, my Mom sold the giant house and lives in a cute little home closer to her office. Mac stayed with her, we all go to family counseling once a month so things are much better. My Mom is still challenging but she’s coming to her senses. Still a workaholic but takes time to be with Mac and us girls even sometimes.”
“I’m so glad to hear that Ava. It sounds like things are working out for you. We kind of met at a crazy time for you.”
“Yeah, that’s a bit of an understatement.”
They ate in silence for a few moments, finishing up their meals.
“Welp, I guess you and Darren have made amends since I left.” Penn joked.
“Yeah, turns out he’s not so bad of a guy. Kind of great, actually. Still a total pain in the ass though.”
“Well, of course. That’s the best part about him.”
It was quiet for what seemed like forever as they stared at each other, not quite sure what to say. She had ignored his calls and texts for the past year, and wasn’t sure what to say, she still wasn’t that sorry.
“Well, do you want to get out of here? I ubered here from the airport, so you’d have to drive, but I’d like to go somewhere with you.”
Ava smiled, “I’m used to driving your ass around. I think I know the perfect place to go.”
“Is it okay if I pick the song this time?"asked Penn.
Ava shrugged as he picked out a song.
Simple Man covered by Head and the Heart blared through the speakers, Ava turned it up louder so they wouldn’t have to suffer through small talk until they reached their spot. She tried not to listen to the lyrics too much, but couldn’t help herself as the perfect summer sun began to set as they wound up to the top of the Lookout. Ava turned off her car when they got to the top, hopped out and grabbed a blanket out of the backseat. Without saying anything Penn helped her spread out the blanket and sat down, leaving quite a bit of distance between them.
"I forgot how beautiful it is up here. I miss all of this greenery, it takes my breath away. The smell of damp earth, leaves, fresh grass, it makes me miss everything about this place. California doesn’t know what they are missing.”
“I figured you would love it there.”
“I love that my mom has her dream job. I love that I’ll get to go to my dream college and learn from the best professors and possibly go back to teach there someday. I even have a couple buddies I didn’t expect to make. But it can be lonely, sometimes.”
“Yeah, but it gets lonely here sometimes too. Congratulations, by the way, on getting into Stanford. Darren mentioned it. I really am proud of you.”
“Yeah, Congrats on WashU too. You could have called me back, you know. or texted me at any point.”
“Penn, I-”
“I know. I know it was hard, getting over us, or whatever.”
“Yes. It was hard. But I am very happy that life is working out the way you dreamed it would.”
Penn was silent, staring out at the sunset. After a few minutes he spoke slowly.
“I think dreams… I think they change all of the time though. And when dreams become real, I’m not so sure they measure up to the original.”
“What’s going on with you, Penn? You were always the positive one here. Reach for your dreams, Ava! You can do it Ava! This doesn’t sound like you.”
“Well, I’m kind of pissed at you, to be honest. I’ve missed you like crazy. You made me feel like a jackass, texting you and calling you all last summer until I stopped out of sheer embarrassment.”
“I wanted you to do your own thing, you chose to break up with me Penn, not the other way around.”
“I never wanted to do that, Ava, I just knew it would be best for you.”
“You do that a lot you know. Always putting others before yourself. Your Mom, Darren, and definitely me. Maybe you should do what’s best for you for a change.”
Penn stared down at his hand, twirling a blade of grass between his fingertips. He breathed deeply, then looked over at Ava.
“I’m not so sure how to do that, honestly. It makes me happy to see everyone around me happy. But, somethings not right and I know it. I messed up with you, and I know it.”
Ava squirmed on her side of the blanket.
“Ever hear from your Dad? I’m scared to ask a bit but, I’m curious.”
“Well, I guess our relationship is better than it’s ever been. All three of us kids go and see our sister Sarah once a month. She’s so big now, walking and talking. They are in a support group for other parent’s who have children with Down Syndrome, and they love her so much. It’s great to see my Dad show emotion and truly care for his family. It was in him all along, I guess, just not for us. He admits my Mom and him were in a horribly dependent relationship, and that he was a terrible Dad to us. Even though he’s sorry, it doesn’t fix it, but we try to forgive him a little more everday. And Sarah is just, just one of the most incredible humans. She’s changed us all, for the better. ”
“Your Dad will always be a piece of shit in my book, but I know your Mom had her own issues. It never should have had anything to do with you three though. But that’s great to hear about Sarah, I know you three are probably wonderful sibilings to her.”
“She’s one of us, and I’m so happy she’s the one who will be loved the most. If Sarah’s what it took for my Dad to become a loving, human being, then I’ll take it. He does make a bit more of an effort to invite us over and try to get to know us, but I think he’s guilt-ridden too and not sure how to deal with us.”
“Well, it sounds like a lot has changed, but for the better. I couldn’t be happier to hear that. On a lighter note, Syd and Darren, huh?
"Oh my God, I never saw that coming. They were so opposite in my book but they took to each other like moths to a flame from the moment I introduced them last year. I love them though. Thankfully I had Gloria around to not feel like the third wheel. Sorry, I kind of stole your best friend when you left.”
“I’m just pissed you didn’t get along when I was here! You two were too busy competing to be my favorite, and as soon as I leave you’re BFFs. I’ll act like I wasn’t pissed about it. Really, I was secretly happy aside from being jealous.”
“I’m sure it had to be hard, starting over.”
“Harder than you know. But you’ll understand this year when you go to college. How are you feeling about it by the way?”
“Ugh, I’m nervous as hell, but I’m excited. If anything our parents did set aside funds for us and I got scholarships, which is something to be grateful for.”
“That is quite a positive. Makes up for a lot of the shitty parenting, for sure. Not.” Penn looked over at her, grinned. Ava laughed.
“But, it’s scary. New things are always scary. Enough about me though, what else is new in Palo Alto?”
“You know, same old same old. Lots of rich, smart people in their own self-
absorbed worlds. I guess that’s who I’ll be one day too.”
“You could never be self-absorbed, ever.”
“I’m starting to think life would be a hell of a lot easier that way.”
“Probably, but then we all wouldn’t love you as much.”
Ava wished she could have grabbed the words before they fell out of her mouth. She almost apologized but didn’t. It had been a long time since she told him she loved him, in any way.
Penn shifted his body weight over, easing the gap between them, his body turned to look at her.
“I’ll be honest with you Ava, I may have mentioned to Darren that I wanted to see you.”
“Oh yeah? It wasn’t just Darren masterminding all of this? Shocking.”
“No, I - I needed to see you.”
“Well shit, that makes it sound urgent and terrifying.”
“Ava, you know I always try to do the right thing. I try to take care of everyone, do everything the right way, put emotions aside. It took me months to even admit that I liked you, because I didn’t think it would be good for you to attach yourself to me when you needed to figure out you. And I think I was right. Maybe I messed up giving into you, but I couldn’t help it. But leaving you, it fucking broke me Ava. and I don’t know if you’re seeing anyone, I don’t know if you even still care about me. But you’re all I think about, at the end of the day, when I can’t sleep. After all of the school work is done, and my work days are over, after my Mom and I take road trips up and down the coast. It’s you I wish were there with me. To stare up at the awe-inspiring redwoods, I can picture you soaking up the eery beauty of it, running around the giant bases of the trees. I see you picking up shells and stones on the beaches of Oregon, and falling in love with the rainy, dreary Seattle culture. Ava, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was supposed to move on, love everything about California, embark on this new journey at Stanford and get on with my life. My Mom won’t say it, but she thinks I screwed up with you too. She told me before I left that I was always so scared to be with you, of breaking you, that I wound up losing all of you because of it.”
“I’m not that fragile, Penn. I may have seemed like it when I met you, but you didn’t have to fix me, I would have done it, eventually, on my own.”
“I know that Ava, I know you’ve experienced way more hard shit than I ever have. I just figured that if we stayed friends, things would be simpler. You could enjoy your new friends, go to a college you wanted to go too and become the person I always knew you wanted to be.”
“And you thought I couldn’t do that with you?”
“I didn’t want to hold you back in any way, and a part of me thought it would be devastating to watch you move on with your life without me there with you as part of it.”
“I’m not sure it was any easier this way Penn.”
“Darron told me you dated someone else for a little bit. Thankfully he told me after it was over I would’ve flown back here and kicked his ass.”
“No, you wouldn’t have.”
“I would’ve thought about it.”
They sat there silently for a while, watching the sun sink lower and lower until they were both left speechless in the dark.
“Remember when we first came here together?” Ava asked, leaning her weight in towards him on so their arms were now touching.
“How could I forget? I was blown away. Not just by the spot, but by you in general. I didn’t expect you to have so many layers and pieces tangled up within you. I was more than intrigued.”
“Yeah, I thought you were the strangest, most interesting, intelligent human I had ever met.”
“You still think that?”
“Of course I do.”
“What do you think we should do now Ava?”
Ava looked over at him, studied his face long and hard for the first time in a year. It was even more defined than she remembered, the little cuteness he once had was turning into full-on grown man handsome. It made her almost sick to think of all the time she’d missed with him this past year.
“How long are you here in town?”
“For just a couple weeks, staying with Darren. My Mom thought I might want to stay here for a while before college starts and things change all over again.”
“Stay through the end of the summer.”
“That’s demanding. Why would I do that?”
Penn turned his whole body to face Ava, smiling widely.
“I think you know why.”
Ava grabbed the back of Penn’s head, crushing his lips into hers. They rolled over onto the blanket, wrapping themselves around each other, kissing, laughing, and crying all at once. Penn broke away to look down at Ava.
“But, what happens when we have to leave? What happens when the summer ends?”
Ava looked up at him, ran her fingers down his cheek and across his lips. She pulled his ear down to her mouth, and whispered so only he could hear.
“You better not ask me to be just your friend again Penn, that’s all I know.”
He crushed his mouth back down to hers, and as the final curve of the sun sank into the horizon, Ava held on as they collided, memorizing every piece of him, tears falling into the crevices of her smile as she gave herself over to the present moment; awake, in every sense of the word.

This book took me over two years to write, edit, write some more, and eventually let people actually read and edit again. If anyone asks what inspired me to write a book, it was because I was always a writer, even when I didn’t have the courage to say so. I was a writer even through all the jobs that didn’t work out, the places that wouldn’t hire me, the employers that wanted to keep me even though I hated my job. I was a writer even while everyone else around me became other things that I admit I was extremely jealous of. I was a writer even when I denied myself the gift of writing. Even when I thought I wasn’t worthy of writing, words found their way onto a page. Each word I wrote encouraged me to keep going. When you’re a writer, the words don’t care what you tell yourself inside your own mind. They only care that you write them down and help them tell their story. So a writer I am because words chose me, and they wouldn’t leave me alone until they told their story.

“I just want to hold you, I don’t want to hold you down” - Simple Man Head and the Heart