The Extrovert/Introvert Problem

Let me start by saying there is not a single thing wrong with being an introvert or being extrovert. The problem lies with the misunderstanding of extroverts of introverts. We introverts spend our lives listening, observing, taking in our surroundings when they are too much for us. As crowded rooms, distracting color schemes and blaring music deplete our energy levels we see our loud extroverted peers become more and more fulfilled by noise, whether it come from their own mouths (or especially when it comes from their mouths) or any other outlet. We study the people that we are supposed to be like. We see that we are supposed to be leading conversations, talking loudly for everyone to hear us and gaining energy from all this engagement.
We sneak to the bar and pound a couple shots to become even a little bit as socially engaged. We try to pull people we actually care about outside away from the noise to have a deep conversation. We can’t wait to go home to slip into our pj’s, grab a book, journal or remote, and find ourselves surrounded by comfort and our own thoughts.
What bothers me a lot is that I thought extroverts just flat out were ignorant of introverts. The truth is, I just don’t think they get it. Why should they study an introvert when the extrovert gets all the praise from society? Why should they listen intently, talk less, when talking more lands you more friends, better jobs, more popularity? Why should they get it?
Thankfully, Susan Cain and a variety of others have addressed this point before I could write a book about it. If I had to write a book describing why I think and do the things I do and why it works for me I would scream. I get why extroverts function the way they do, but I prefer to be an introvert.
It took some counseling, many years of self loathing and many many years of observing the introvert/extrovert dynamic to prefer to be an introvert. To accept I am an introvert. To not only like myself, but to love the gifts introversion has brought me.
I remember my first counseling session, where my then just grad school counselor (who could teach some older counselors a thing or two) asked me to list some positive things about being an introvert. He had just finished explaining to me what an introvert is and why I am one. I couldn’t think of a single positive thing to say.
I have come a long, long way since those days. To think most of my youth and through high school and most of college I didn’t have a name for why I was so tired all the time being around people, so quiet in social settings, held onto my close friends for longer than most.
Being labeled an introvert was a sweet sigh of relief.
There was nothing WRONG with me.
I simply processed the world differently and gained energy from being alone than with others. My inner world runs deeper than my outer.
There is nothing right or WRONG with introverts.
Just as there is nothing wrong or RIGHT about extroverts.
We are what we are.
Extroverts:
Please stop asking what is WRONG with the quiet person at the social gathering. If you want to get to know them, meet them at a comfortable place of their choice, and leave gaps in the conversation for them to speak. They will be thinking, the words will come out slower, they will need to pause to think but their words will be well thought out (most of the time I can’t speak for all) and meaningful. They will not be the most effective communicators verbally all of the time, chances are they have different outlets for communication, but they run deep. Learn to listen as they do. Learn to think before you speak. Learn from them as they have learned from you their whole lives.
Introverts:
Don’t hate extroverts because they dominate society and are praised for it. Let them help you be heard. Tell one that you’re close to your inner thoughts and ideas and let them communicate more beautifully than you could (and they better give you some credit for the ideas too). They can gather the crowd to your well thought out venture. Learn how they effectively communicate and use this to be a better communicator. When they ask whats WRONG, simply say I am an introvert, do you know what that means? Most of the time they sort of do, and the ones ready to learn will be willing to learn more. If not, don’t feel bad about leaving the conversation because that person truly is ignorant. But lately, extroverts have been asking me how I feel when I walk into social settings and why it makes me uncomfortable. Some people really want to make their meetings/workplaces/seminars more effective to introverts. Some are really trying to get it.
The beautiful thing about introverts and extroverts is that it doesn’t need to be a problem. We compliment each other. Our strengths are each other’s weaknesses. That’s why so many couples have an introvert and an extrovert, why Jobs had Wozniak, Lennon had McCartney, we need each other. To completely drive change, to effectively build communities, to expand our creativity and so much more, we need each other.

Thanks for reading!